is how I feel right now.

it doesnt really feel good

or bad.

i feel beaten. i feel lost
nothing new.

i hate everyone else
almost as much as i hate myself.
i fucking love life.

i hate all this strife. i just want to buy a sailboat and leave with you
and leave everything
and even leave you
cause you are fucking killing me

how can i be so lovesick over someone i cant stand.
i cant fucking wait to be away from you
to not have to fight to urge to tell you these feelings i dont even know if im really feeling anymore
or ever

i cant fucking believe
you leave
so soon
and i leave too

and maybe someday i'll leave with you
but i doubt it
and i doubt i will want to

i just fucking hate the way we are to each other
love hurts each other so much.
Love.
love
i thought it was ... permanent
not that we would last
but just that i would feel that way forever

and i feel that its all just brilliant flashes
that fade
and you can see faint glimpses of their spirits when other explosions happen
like fireworks.
but the wind carries them away
and you forget how or why
and you fucking forget everything you would never forget

and you forget how to love
and how to feel
anything that will actually sustain, remain ...create anything lasting.

how could i have loved you or him or you or fucking you? i just don't remember what that means.

all it means is that my purposeless life seemed to have more purpose
but that went away too.

so i just don't know what its all for
and i just don't know why, even though i know you are not ideally what i want/need, you are the only person i care to try for. is that love? i doubt it

but why the fuck not...
i can't seem to reach anything else, anything more gripping, anything more tantalizing, or fuckin addicting.


but see...
now that i finally see
life wants to show me something new
wants to throw my conviction to the wind.
we will be new
places
people
and i will come out of it with more or less
being more or less of a person than i am
with more or less conviction
or more or less ability to love

probably more compassion
probably more hate
(and yes, i believe those things can increase at once, somehow... even as a contradiction to supposed common sense)

whatever.
its late and i should sleep
and i need to shower cause im itchy
and i need another day than i have to study for my spanish test
and i want to go climbing but i dont have the will to exert energy or inflict pain on myself (that's a definite change).

but all of this is stream of consciousness and unfiltered, except the names.
but the names don't matter cause it is all pretty general
so don't fucking worry about it
and don't fucking assume things
im just writing to write tonight
because the flow of my fingers on keys feels better than scribbling on pages incoherently. but that's just tonight...
and because its been a while.

so yea,
warm shower, brush teeth
get in bed to sleep, study, or read.

sleeeeeeeeeeeeeep.

oops
i left my cell phone in the writing center....