a description of my weekend as told to alicia:

"so yesterday i went to that memorial service

and the night before, i went clubbing

both those things were terrifying and hard

clubbing was the most... disgusting thing i have experienced. and the service was ridiculously sad. i sat next to Jessie Shain (the girl Eric dated in highschool) and she was a wreck

tyler dressed up like a gay guy, which... you HAVE to see the pictures

but being at the club... it was like straight out of a movie. the girls were just acting like complete sluts. the guys were like vultures."

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i felt like screaming all weekend.

i felt so trapped

it feels so strange to compare these events. but they were similar. both made me go deeply inward to find strength, though different types for each.

i entered both with expectations, and a feeling that i didn't belong. it doesn't matter. i was there. and i talked to Jessie, and she said my presence really helped. her opinion on whether or not i should be there is the only one that really mattered to me anyway. i was there for Eric, his friends and family, and Jessie. and I learned so much about him by being there. i also needed to be next to Jessie because i think out of anyone i can relate to her loss the most, not because i have lost anyone in that manner, but because i have loved someone in a very similar way that she loved Eric.

i don't think i need to revisit anymore of the emotions. so much anger and sadness that i had to hold inside. and there is no reason to let it loose now. not now. now there are other things to feel...

i will never forget either event though.