there is so much loss.
I feel my pieces of my heart being torn off one by one.
hearing stories I never knew
seeing faces I'd forgotten.
Oh god, there is too much emotion in this world
and I'm bursting.
There's no where for me to pour it out, and I want to scream, and cry
but I'm all out of tears.
I look around and see desperation everywhere
and there is nothing I can do.
I am desperate too.

Maybe this is our state,
strain, and painful love
of something out in front that we can't reach.
And some of us will follow, and some will look away.
And it will be meaningless either way.
Or meaningful, if you are one who can fill your heart with meaning just by choosing one direction or another,
or if you are one who can bury the pain.
But me...

I look at the happiest points of my life, and still feel them filled with desperation. Not in a bad way, but it is just a realistic admittance that happy does not mean fulfilled.

My mind is turning in cycles and I can feel my brain telling me to give up on this pursuit of truth.
Go to bed,
wake up tomorrow,
do your work,
run,
eat,
got to bed,
wake up,
do work,
eat,
sleep.
Cycles. I am stuck in them, physical, mental, conscious or sub.

That's why when you are spinning, you look at the light, you fall. And you like it. Because it is something shocking. A point of reference that throws the cycles off, if only briefly.
And then you hit the ground.
It's a loss. A loss of balance. A loss of control. A loss of bearing, of judgment, of thought.
And suddenly, temporarily, you are free.