It's bad enough that I had to relive hope and letdown twice in "real life" but the fact that I am not even safe from getting my hopes up while asleep makes this whole situation even worse. Sleep should be a refuge from my scheming mind, full of grandiose, unrealistic ideas (heightened -and sometimes defeated- by the music i listen to). But my mind should not betray me in sleep, because it knows that eventually I do have to wake up. And having to wake up, I should not be constantly forced to rediscover the unfortunate "reality" that I have to live with in my more prevalent form of consciousness. Already I have to guard against the thoughts that keep me hopeful, in addition to the problem that all of these things changed so quickly that sometimes I feel myself smiling at a "reality" that is no longer relevant.

I should begin treating anything that happens, in any mode of consciousness ("awake", "asleep" ect.) as though it is a dream. Why not, if all things will eventually end? And they must.

The rain is really coming down. It threatens to maroon me on this island. I am already isolated from that which made me feel less alone, so what's the difference? Is this not what I wanted; to be a drifter? Perhaps the prospect of a fellow to drift with really did make me romanticize the lifestyle, and the moments, and the person. I don't believe that though. Realistically I didn't romanticize anything. I took what I knew, and what I felt, and I put faith in it. Is that so wrong?


I was going through and deleting text messages today. I only have a few saved "sent messages" and they are from a long time ago. I came across one I sent to Matt: "Just remember, loving someone can't really hurt them."
I am stuck wondering whether or not this is true.