well...
we can blame it on Jupiter's alignment, or just pure idiocy...
it doesn't really matter.

I'm not really as bad as I think I feel, I hope.
Glad that made sense, nothing else does.



It's really okay though. Its funny how fucking okay it actually is. Especially with this music. Its just so fucking wonderful when my current soundtrack really does parallel my life quite nicely. I mean, it makes me feel like I am where I should be. Oh, and listening to people sing their souls into songs I can relate to, that helps too... it makes me feel less alone, less stranded in the middle of nothingness. And this soundtrack makes me feel surrounded, which is good because that is what I am. I am surrounded by...
...there is no word for it.

I think I know what’s on your mind
A couple words, a great divide
Waiting in the wings, a small respite
Crowding up the foreground from behind

Even though you’re the only one I see
It's the last catastrophe
Place your bets on chance and apathy

Take anything you want, it’s fine
Keep up the slow life for the night
Don’t take it back, I’ll just deny
This constant noise all the time

Even though you’re the only one I see
It's the last catastrophe
Place your bets on chance and apathy
From the wind in front of me



All I know... this soundtrack, and this movie, and the book too, are beautiful. And so is this fucking life I'm living.
I stand by it: pain and misery are beautiful. So beautiful that I might plead addiction. Maybe that's why I always end up falling, cause I let go. Maybe not. I'm just trying to do what feels right. Is that so wrong? Or is it not about it being wrong?
wait... this reminds me of Into the Woods. oh god, i love that musical. harsh, but it tells it like it is.

so, now... there are things I need to go do. One of them being sleep. Another being homework. And a third being making a decision because of a stupid decision I made before. I already took a shower. A long shower, not hot or cold. Not to feel anything, or numb myself, but just to get clean.

Laugh.
I'm serious.
Laugh.
Life is so goddamn funny and fucked up.
But I can't even laugh right now. I'm gonna go sleep, find some rest for my mind, where I'm at least not consciously twisting ideas until they snap. Then I'm gonna go read, and instead of doing what I always do (integrate personal life into the book) I am going to immerse myself in the story, and limit my thoughts from beyond interpreting the words.

After that, I hope that maybe I won't have to play pretend all night, but I probably will, which is why I at least need to escape expectations for a little while.

I'm sorry.