Watching New Moon again tonight got me thinking a lot. Tyler asked what I liked about seeing it for the second time. I liked that I got to feel it this time. The night I first saw it, I was fairly numbed by joy and overcome by the ways of the world, and just so happy that I was seeing the movie, and being with the people I was with, and that so many things had seemed to work out. I couldn't feel the emotions that the book had evoked from me because happiness was overwhelming. But I let it be. I needed to feel overwhelmed by something other than despair. But when I saw it tonight, in light of recent events, it really brought me into my mind again. I got home and turned on the soundtrack and just laid on my futon and thought for an hour or so. I felt panicked. I felt dark and I was scared I was falling backwards again. I was lonely, and i wanted to feel... home, love. but i was home, sitting in my room; i felt restless, but i could sit, and be held by this comfortable place where i could sit and think in peace... safe.

And I was thinking about love (not that I hadn't already been thinking about it). Then on facebook I had a short exchange with Brian about the "love" story that Twilight is... much of it has been omitted but it was basically::

B: and i wouldnt cal that love :( sorryalex. i call that obsession with extreme infatuation
A: obsession is a real part of love, especially in relationship at that age. but that doesnt mean it isnt love. ... See Morethere are many types of love, many ways to love another person. they might not all be the most healthy, but they are very real.
B: it is a completly unhealthy relationship.to be at a level that you absolutly cannot live without the other person, i think is unhealthy.
A:but i still think that is a strong type of love... when you find someone who can make you happy beyond anything else that could go wrong. dangerous, but powerful. and yet, still not the most powerful, arguable. a more powerful love is one in which you choose the person because you want them, not because you need them. and that comes with trial, and time.

I'm lucky enough to have been so deeply in love with a person that it nearly destroyed me. and this has happened more than once.
..that sounds funny, but what a powerful emotion to be able to feel. and I am glad that i have, and that i am capable of caring for another so intensely.

I have also been lucky enough to love people so deeply that eventually it didnt matter if we were together or not, near or far, we would always be so close to eachother because of love. It sounds fucking cliche, but its real.

There are so many different forms love takes. and this connects to what i was saying last night... home is love, in so many ways... i dont even want to try to get into that again though.

I've been thinking about my feelings about Zach and Tony and Matt and Nygil and Kody and how they were all so different. Different types of pain, and joy...


blech. I sound like an idiot right now. thats fine; its 1am and I have a massive headache. i cant stop clenching my teeth. my back is killing me and my head is full of thoughts that i can't fully convey using the limitations of standardized written language (hah, yay for school connecting to just about every aspect of my life). i almost feel horrible for saying that about writing, because writing... well, i might as well just say it: I love writing, to the point that i depend on it for half of the things i do in my life. i would be devastated without it. maybe that is completely unhealthy (especially since many cultures don't have a written form of their language and get on fine without it), but i do "need" it to function, to get by. i want to have complete faith in it.

is it too much of a stretch to relate that to bella and edwards relationship? well too bad, cause i just kinda did. Unintentionally too.

take or leave what you will. i dont care at this point. i have found so much power in the connections of understanding between people. and misunderstandings too. but there is a point where i just can't worry about it anymore. and by "it" i mean "anything." so i keep splurging my thoughts...


this is where i get around to saying what i wanted to say in the first place, which is that i like being me. i like my mind, which always has something to ponder. i like my thoughts, i like my experience in this world. i like my way of looking at things.
and i like all of the things that have shaped me to become this person.
and sometimes it fucking sucks, and it hurts. and sometimes i wish my mind would shut up so i could be ignorant and not think so hard about everything. but then, i get to this point, where yea, i might still be thinking/wondering/questioning but i realize that i am not going to "figure anything out" or convince anyone of anything or whatever i was trying to do with my thoughts in the first place. and thats some sort of peace...

well anyway. i am getting better at being what i need to be for myself. i am trying to. i dont want to rely on people for happiness, because people arent reliable enough to always make me happy. but... they are reliable enough to sometimes make me happy. what about the rest of the time? and what does "happy" even mean?

ooooook, i am about to cut myself off here. i havent let myself tangent like this for a while, so it has been nice. but, my headache persists. and tomorrow is a long but exciting day.


wish this had been a conversation with someone rather than a blog post. i bet it will be, soon. actually, i know it will be; tomorrow i am seeing Ashley...

*sigh*
i haven't even touched the surface tonight. there is so much happening in my life. there is SO many complex things occuring within my and around me. its really something, trying to navigate through all this. and this random ass blog post is an example of the choas occurring. there's a microcosm of it in my mind (or is it a macrocosm?)

see, i could go on forever.

hokay.
fuck it.
im done.
goodnight.
^_^