nevermind.
i dont think i will.
i cant look at the word.

but goddamnit. i cant stop sobbing. i cant stop feeling like hell. i dont care about how i look. i eat everything in sight. i havent showered for days. i cant focus on work. i hate sleeping. its fucking terrifying for me to sleep. but i need to sleep, more than anything.
im shaking.
im alone.
im slaving over these stupid assignments because i want to impress my teachers so i can go to peru, but i dont even fucking know if i want to go to peru. as if that would make me feel better. no. its just gonna fucking shatter the rest of my mind.

i feel like i can see this ideal life. and i know its possible, but i am too fucking scared to do it alone. and everyone else is too scared. and we're all just scared and stuck and fucked up. and were all alone in our rooms fucking miserable because we dont fucking know how to get to that place where it actually be better. we cant fucking do it.

its like trying to pull yourself up to the next hold, and you just cant do it. you just cant fucking grab it. its right there for you to grab but you just arent strong enough. and you reach and you trust but you fail and you fall, all the way down. it doesnt matter how much energy you exerted to get that high... all of it means nothing.

fuck