I just re-read my letter. It reminded my why I have to tread lightly; Why things are the way they are. It reminded me that I understand more about this than my mind wants to think I do. It reminded me that I kinda already know all the answers that anyone has right now. No one knows. We are confused. And maybe I just shouldn't push something further when it already feels so precarious. Maybe I just need to wait, and wait, and wait... And maybe someday I will lose interest in waiting, and look somewhere else for what I found here. Or maybe...




anyway. It is late. I need to sleep. Here are some thoughts I had while talking to Tyler tonight. Hope you don't mind me posting part of the convo, Ty. I will take it down if you do. The first part are just things I wrote to him as I thought of them. Then there is a snippet of interactive conversation:

"i do a lot more thinking than crying though. i mean, i guess thats good
until i get stuck on somehting like tony
i donno. i have somehow managed to push a lot of things below
i dont know if that is good or bad
or if is just a result of not being overwhelmed with work AND emotions
i anticipate my usual self to come back when they quarter picks up
though i sincerely hope there arent any terrible turns like last quarter"

"i donno. about anything.
im tired of wondering about everything
and not ever being sure"

*alex* says:
it would be nice to be able to trust something... something sturdy that won't let me slip off the wall so fast, without warning.
i am rereading my journal now. i remember what i mean about thinking more than crying
i think it means, i am not showing outward what i am feeling inside. at least not the bad things
i am filling up this journal fast, with all these thoughts i dont want other people to hear/read
Tyler says:
I do that. But with drawings.
the quarter hasn't started and I'm a quarter of the way through my sketch book
although I take those drawings out
it helps me feel my emotions without having to express them for everyone to see.
*alex* says:
i find that... to be completely false
for me
Tyler says:
Well I draw like I'm talking to someone. its a conversation. and then its not a secret any more. its alive for me to see... and feel.
You write to remember though, don't you?
*alex* says:
no
i feel that too
same with when i am climbing
running
anything
its a conversation with myself, and with... thoughts, or with the rock, or with the ground



What I just said, in that last part, is something I wrote about in my journal. There are things I have written that I really want to share with maybe some people, certain people. And there are some that I want to post here... but I am really emotionally attached to them, and almost don't want to put them on the internet for someone to potentially steal. Not that they are even worthy of that, but they are precious thoughts (like all are, I suppose), and they are mine. And I want them to stay mine. Anyway... one is inspired by that painting Amanda made for me... of the tree. I wrote it over the break, and it was amazing how the picture captured the emotions I was feeling, and evoked from me the exact words I needed to express. Someday I might put it up.
There are things in this current journal... ways of writing that I haven't attempted for a while. Just very... raw I guess. Lots of questions. Lots of... not answers, but... truths, I guess. Not solid, end-all truths about the world. But just little truths about myself. Who I am. Why I am. What really is the cause of some of this anxiety. What does actually alleviate some of it. Its really honest. I guess that's why its important for some of it to be "private." But I don't think that is because I feel the need to be private, for me. It is more for the sake of others. I use to be able to put that sort of stuff on here, but I guess I got sick of... making people feel like I had judged them, or betrayed them with something I said (even if it wasn't really about them). I don't feel like I say mean things in my journal. I have, in the past (on my blog too). But that isn't the issue here. Its just... I guess where I put my expression of somewhat rash emotions; where I can question their truth without anyone else having to question it too ...or without having to hurt someone by thinking something that isn't necessarily true or false, just a thought or question (but also isn't quite "socially acceptable," or whatever you want to call it). I guess in a way that is to save face... to keep it private for my own good. But honestly, I could post it all here, and be fine with whatever consequences it might stir up. I would be fine with people knowing. It would just make many things more complicated, and it might hurt people who don't need to be hurt.

Well, that's all. As always, I could keep going. But it is way too late for anything more.