From March 31, 2009:
"I went rock climbing today. Zach invited me. It was probably the best thing I have done here all year. It made me feel strong and empowered (at a time where I feel so weak in character). (That is such a weird things to say about myself, especially here, but I don't know how else to describe it... I feel weak.)"


Its not that I feel weak now. But trying to go climbing today... or anytime soon, doesn't seem like a good idea. I just get mad at myself for sucking so bad... or for not being as good as other people. Or for not being good enough for myself. For trying so hard and not seeming to get any better, any braver. And when I'm in the gym its like im projecting all my other inadequacies on my ability to climb. That's no good since clearly I started climbing in the first place because it empowered me. Not just the first time, but this year too. And that's ironic because the person who brought me to it last year, is also kinda the reason I went back to climbing this year; to let me feel strong, when I desperately needed strength.

And that weakness I was talking about last year... maybe it doesn't manifest itself as necessarily weakness, but just a lack of some important essence that other people have, that make them all so much more functional than me.

Last night, upon meeting 3 new people, I was reminded of that hole within me where something so essential is missing, something that was there at some point, but that I have severely supressed. And there are other things in that catagory of suppression too, which were re-evoked last night. Things that I will further supress and further suffer from.

Knowledge is power. It should be. But even though I know all these things about myself, I lack the ability or the will or something to change them. And even if I did change them there would always be something else.

Anyway, now onto something important:

I've been working on my research project for 4 hours and I feel no further along than I did yesterday. Its gonna be a long weekend.

For now, I'm gonna go eat dinner with the guys and hope to feel better through quality of company.