"Out of damp and gloomy days, out of solitude, out of loveless words directed at us, conclusions grow up in us like fungus: one morning they are there, we know not how, and they gaze upon us, morose and gray. Woe to the thinker who is not the gardener but only the soil of the plants that grow in him."

I don't really feel like making any declarations to anyone, which is why this blog feels too public. But that isn't why it is really here. It is here for me, to express. And if others wish to read these expressions, that is by their own choice. But remember: This is my blog, this is my space, and there is something I want to express right now.

This is a new year, which in all reality means very little to me. It means I can think of it as a beginning, just as I can think of any day as such. But days mean almost as little as years. And I don't mean that the time is insignificant, but that our definition of the beginnings and endings are only made because of rotations of celestial bodies, because of circles --and circles don't begin or end. And well, they are not even necessarily circles. They aren't drawing lines that form a circle. The lines these rotations draw form a sphere, or maybe even a spiral. I like the idea of a spiral, because spirals don't have to end, but they also don't have to repeat. They are movements across time as well as space.

What I mean by all of this is that I use "Each Day" as a motivation to make every day of my life count for something (whatever that means). But what is a day? It is the rising and falling of the sun (from our perspectives); It is the rotation of the Earth on itself and around the sun. Nothing is really beginning, nothing is really ending. All of this doesn't matter. All of this, we already know. The "beginning" and "end" of each "day," each "season," each "year," is but a symbol to remind us that time (as we think if it) has passed, is passing; to remind us that change is always upon us. We shouldn't wait for a new day to change, and we surely shouldn't wait for a new year. Not if we already see the changes we want to make.

So, its "2010." That reminds me that "2000" (10 "years" ago) feels not so far away, because there are specific moments from that time that I can still vividly recall. But so much change has happened since then; in my life, in the world. 10 "years" ago, I was 10 "years" old. It feels so strange to me to mark time in such a way, but the only other way is to describe the difference between having lived on this planet (in this form) for 10 rotations around the sun, and for 20. That's simple enough.
No, not really. Though, right now, I don't have the time or the will to explain how complicated it is, or even how it is complicated.

Anyway, the declaration I was going to say for myself is something I couldn't put into words. But if I could it would probably use the words: change. love. power. presence. and something about how the quote above, that I found on Jess's facebook page, feels like something I really needed to hear. I was getting so caught up in some things, with some people (especially some people planning on coming to this school) that I just don't need to deal with anymore. Of course their existence and presence in my life have influenced me and maybe it will again. But I am taking new roads, and even if they feel like they are following behind closely, they aren't. I don't have to listen to their psychobabble. I don't have to let them bring me down. Maybe I will anyway... or maybe I actually don't have a choice in the matter. But I am going to try to be better than that. I'm sick of feeling insignificant, betrayed, looked down on.

and there is always more I want to say...
always more I need to do
want to do.
So...