I'm feeling nauseous again...
but now its for a different reason.

When you feel physical pain, you wish that it was emotional pain, because you feel like you can control or deal with that better.
But at least physical pain doesn't attack your character.
Doesn't destroy what once was real to you.

You can't unhear things.
That idea pissed me off enough when I heard some Twilight spoilers.
But... when you hear someone talking about your life, so freely, as if they know who you are, and they know the questions you have about things that happened, and they know how to get to your heart...
that's a whole different story.
its like... the cliche high school scene in some teen soap opera when the girl overhears her new cheerleaders "friends" talking shit about her in the hall.

I was sitting right there, right in the sunlight, 20 feet from them.
He was speaking loud enough for me to hear, so either he knew I was there, or he just didnt care to look around.

fuck.
I just HAD to get to the Greenery early.
I just HAD to sit outside.


its funny, because last night, and all week really, i thought these were the people I would spend most of my time with this year.
now i get why they don't mind my presence.
I can boost their egos cause i'm a girl, without being intimidating in any way, cause im just too fucking plain.
its now clear enough that invitations were more of sympathy cards anyway.

so fuck that.
fuck them.
im fucking better than that. way fucking better.



... after listening to the conversation until it was over.
i didnt know if i should sit there and pretend not to exist,
or walk out with my hair covering my face...
i was gonna be sick, so i quickly and quietly grabbed my still-full plate, my half empty glass of water, and slipped my flip flops on. i walked past them with my hair falling in the way, but i peaked through the strands, and the gossiper was hanging his head.
maybe out of shame, maybe he noticed me.
but more likely, he was feeling the warmth of sun on he back, a reward for putting me back in my place.


i honestly don't know what to feel about myself.
or him,
or you,
or any of them.


as much as i love my roommates, and my room, and as much as i will enjoy my classes and my job... i want to be in Peru. At least then if people talk about me, i cant understand what they are saying.