i vvoke and i vvish i hadnt.
i vvoke and i vvished the dream vvas real.

i vvill vvrite it in detail, including vvords that vvere actual thoughts in my dream. i am going to post it no matter hovv much i vvant to hide these emotions that have i have somehovv been suddenly reminded of, because i dont care enough to censor myself anymore.

i had gone home (evergreen), but just for the vveekend, to vvelcome him back. i vvas still gonna fly back to Peru, but i couldn´t vvait all summer to see him.
somehovv i vvatched, at level, the activities through the vvindovv. Someone vvas doing backflips and cartvvheels but they vvere moving so svviftly i couldnt see. vvhen they rounded off i savv it vvas Eric... huge grin on his face. I could feel hovv happy he vvas to have his friend home.
Daniel sat... vvorking dilegently on something in his hands that I couldnt see.
Tyler must have been in his room.
And the guest of honor... my eyes svvept the room for him. maybe he hadnt arrived yet. There vvas this person in the corner vvith buzzcut short blond hair, and i remember being surprised by the vvay they held themselves against the vvall. It couldnt be, but it vvas and I stared trying to figure out vvhat had changed. He had a fuller look to his body and his back vvas straight, as it is vvhen he vvalks, but not vvhen he sits... used to. He vvas reading, naturally, and even though he seemed more rigid, he didn´t look depressed or destroyed as i had expected. He seemed light, and relaxed, and -dare i say- content. I don´t knovv vvhy I hadnt seen him at first, he vvas right in front of me. Then he shifted and I realized that I vvas being a very unsneaky voyeaur if thats vvhat I vvas trying to be. So instead I ducked dovvn and popped back up, immediately throvving open the vvindovv and strolling in. I said a quick, general ´hey´without any eye-contact before struting dovvn the hall vvith the pretend purpose to grab something from a room, vvhile similtaneously seeming uninterested in the reunion. After I turned the corner into the hall vvith the rooms, I regreted my face of nonchalance. I vvalked out, admitted my stupidity and asked if I could try that again. Everyone nodded in compliance so I stepped out the vvindovv. VVhen I stepped back in I gave the most ridiculous expression of excitedment I could muster. It came out so vvrong and everyone stared at me blankly Then someone made a comment about sincerity. I stepped out of the vvindovv again, and back in one more time. This time I looked dovvn at him. he had stopped reading and his eyes vvere aimed upvvard to meet mine. vvith tears vvelled up, I almost yelled that i missed him, and fell to my knees to threvv my arms around his shoulders. His hands found my back and pulled me in for the same sort of half-hug he had given me upon his deparature. But it vvasnt the same. It had more meaning behind it, that I couldnt place. I vvas practically sitting on him, and he jokingly asked me vvhat I got him from Peru. The ansvver vvas nothing, but I asked him vvhat he had vvanted me to get him. He vvas already vvearing a vvool svveater (suddenly, as before vvhen I vvas spying he had been vvearing a tee-shirt), but its vvhat he said he´d like me to get him. I planned to find the perfect one for my final return. VVhat color? VVhat design?

Something you like.

Then I realized I hadn´t greeted anyone else.

Then I vvoke up.

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its not the most worst time vvaking up has let me dovvn, but vvaking up today in Peru vvas hard.

not as hard, though, as not vvaking up on Thursday vvhile I vvitnessed death and tragedy. not nearly as hard.



I finished The Road last night. I needed to talk about it, but I let Ben sleep.

I am fighting desperately to hold on to the feeling of lightness I had been experiencing. I vvonder vvhat it vvill take. Surely feeling so seperate from people (just on basic principles of choice and action) doesnt help. (It isnt just that. It is also just vvho I am. Hovv I see vvhen I look out my ovvn tvvo eyes. Hovv I react to certain situations.)


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If I don´t go novv, I´m gonna miss breakfast.
Lima today, instead of a half-day of vvork.