I am building my ant farm. I know this seems stupid, but I am really sad to lock the ants up in a small container. I want them to have a good life. I guess that is what this assignment is about: stewardship. How far I am willing to take my design in order to give these ants the best captive life possible. Right now it is small and simple. I have a week to make it better, and then actually find the little guys who it is going to be better for.

I think the reason I got so hooked on the idea of an ant farm is because I have never really liked ants. I don't mind one here or there, but when they are in large groups it always really grosses me out. That fact makes this assignment more important, because I am taking care of something I don't like to look at as much as I would like to see a fish or a plant every day. At the same time, even though I don't even have the ants yet, I feel very protective of them and I don't want anything bad to happen to them.

I have this really vivid memory from the end of Sophomore year. It was right before Tony broke up with me. Tony and I were the only ones to show up for Jackie S's BBQ and so we went on an adventure in the woods. By the time we got out we were all exhausted and angry at each other. I don't remember if Jackie left, but at least Tony and I sat on a curb in the setting sun. I was laying down and watching this ant crawl in front of me. His shadow was hugely exaggerated by the low sun angle and I was wondering if he felt that big, if he was afraid of me, where he was going...
I might have pointed to the ant, but somehow Tony became aware of it and seemingly out of anger toward me he took his big boot and stomped on the ant until it was dead. I know... it was only an ant, but I felt devastated by what he had done. It was the moment, and my thoughts, and his anger, and the meaning behind his action. A little tiny fissure was made right there in the integrity of our relationship, and that I ignored for years after --even though he solidified it in himself no more than a week later. Eh... you know the rest of that story.

Anyway, I don't know why I needed to write about that. Perhaps because I never have before, and it is something I think about periodically. The point is, I don't want anything dying because of me, or for me. I try to tell myself there is nothing I could have done to save that dog in Peru, but what if I had tried harder? What if I had gotten something loud to come out of my mouth, or if I had gotten my feet to move to try to stop that truck? I don't think those questions will ever leave me. And I will certainly never forget that moving picture of what happened next. When it comes up in my mind, I work hard to avert my thoughts. But I can't shake the thought that it was partially my fault, even if realistically anything I would have done wouldn't have changed the fact that he was going to die soon. He could hardly walk or think because of how malnourished he was.

Oh man, this got wayyyy off track.

On a happier note, Tyler suggested for my prototype I should draw ants and tape them on the container. I did that, and they are super cute! Soon I will have real ant-guys crawling around in there, hopefully happily!

(Oh, and I am aware that I am disgustingly corny sometimes. End author's note.)