*sigh*

...but...
it is better now.

i think what hurts the most (was being so close! ...no, just kidding ^_^)
is the nostalgia.
i mean, like i said before: maybe remembering is my "problem".
well... yea! it fucking hurts to think about times that don't exist anymore, or people who have changed so extraordinarily much that you can hardly recognize them as the same person you once knew.

("love is watching someone die" -DCFC)

but... the fact that they once existed... that means something.

"I'm staring at what once was the wall" -The Fray
(i know the song is talking about something else, but this is what it means to me.)
maybe something once was my wall, protecting me from the world.
maybe I'm looking at it now, and i realize that those walls are broken and they will never protect me again...
(or... maybe the fragments can still shield me from certain pain at certain times: "As you handed me those sunglasses and motioned for me to put them over my tear-stricken eyes, I recognized that look across your face of purity and kindness. I hesitated to put them on, but realized that this was your intention-- to hide me from the world and keep me and my pain to yourself when you would pass no judgment and where no one else could say a word. And i felt safe, once again, by your hand" -Journal 3, 9/26/07)
...i remember that,
and it doesn't hurt.



and you suddenly realize that things have changed so much that there is a rift... something you can see across, but you can't quite get across. you can change, and things can keep changing,
but...

some things will always change,
some things will never change,
there are no guarantees.
only opportunities.

"possibility is what makes life go on" -Alicia


("maybe in 5 or 10 yours and mine will meet again, straighten this whole thing out" -The Fray)
i won't know.
i can't know right now.
but i can remember.
and i can feel -good or bad- whatever emotion those memories evoke.

("the gift of memory's an awful curse. with age it just gets much worse. but i won't mind..." -DCFC)



wow... I'm tired.
I'm confused.
I'm lonely.
I'm anxious.

I'm ready for my trip. Right now.
Right.
now.
I want to be isolated,
so I can think,
so I can be.

At least I am going to camp soon. I need to be away. To meet new people. To be a leader. To make a difference. To grow. To change.
Yea, to get the fuck outta here,
figure out what I want.

*sigh* I feel like my summer freedom is coming to an end shortly, but I know I couldn't survive here much longer anyway.

Now I'm rambling.
I think I got to the point.

I feel alright. Drifty. Alone.
But... I think I'm okay with it ...Even if it is a bit uncomfortable.