sometimes you are so wise
and sometimes you are foolish beyond my comprehension.



something I have learned this week:
Love is not strong enough.
Loving someone is not enough.
Even if you pour your heart and soul into someone's well-being, you can never protect them... you can never save them, especially from themselves.
Love is not enough.

Love is enough.
Yours is enough to keep me alive.
My love for nature and the precious moments of beauty are enough to keep me from making the jump, as exhilarating is it may have been to leap off that bridge and fall so slowly I would fly... and then I would die.
Love for my family is enough that despite the treachery of this world and its people, I need no one else but them to be okay, and have a will to stay alive.

But...
I will be honest. There was a moment of consideration. It was enough to get me to my feet and stare at the structure loom taller and taller as I walked toward.
The consideration was this:
Maybe I was right all along that I am meant to die for the ones I love. And maybe this would be the only way they might see.

The counter-argument is this:
Find the beauty in the filth.
I can be the beauty. And if I am, then I cannot die, else all hope be lost that love and beauty can overcome.

The problem:
I am probably not that significant.
I only say these things to give my life meaning when I feel I have none, and no one.
My life is as meaningless, or only as meaningful, as the rest.
I stay alive for me, because I long to see the beauty as much as I can before my time.

The kicker is this:
I suffer.
And I always will.
That is another thing I learned this week, I have to suffer because of who I am. Yes, I can change, grow, find joy... but my soul will always be inherently the same, and the world won't change enough that my soul will be fit to settle in, and be content or sure.
Unsure,
always.
You probably all are too.
Well, some.
Some of you have faith.
And some of you have escape.

But me...
again, not to say that I am special, but I am different.
Everyone who has ever known me well has always told me that,
and I always somehow knew it,
but only now am I starting to truly believe it.

Your words,
your actions,
the ways of this world
turn my mind to jolted-illogical-electrical static that makes my head spin.

sometimes you are wise...
sometimes I despise everything about you.
sometimes I can't wrap my head around reality.
sometimes fantastical worlds with vampire lovers, and werewolf friends would just somehow make more sense.

but always,
ALWAYS

I will be...

I will meet others

I will not do...

I will find more truth

I will love...


and maybe I will waste my time
and maybe I will waste away

and maybe someday I will find that love can be enough,
that my love can be enough
for someone else
that I can be enough
for myself.



I feel so useless.