Why do I feel like I have to decide? ..Between one life, or another completely different one.



And I feel like...
hmm
fuck it.

Why can't I just live? Be content. Not be miserable (or constantly fighting misery, or constantly worrying that I am going to end up miserable).


----

I always find myself shaking my head, when I get lonely, or down. I shake it at the idea that I am stuck like this. That's how I feel at these times. Like I am stuck in a dream. And I feel like someone should slap me, pour cold water on me, shake me awake. Something to spark some life into me.

So often I find myself like this. Lifeless. Unmotivated.
Unmoving.
Dizzy from the spiraling thoughts; from the whirlwind of emotion; from all the meaningless words that people say / that I say / that I hear.
Dizzy. Tired.
Stuck.

---
The train tomorrow will be good. The destination isn't perfect, and the distance isn't long enough, but the ride will be wonderful, as always.

I can sit, in peace. Move along the earth. See the world. Feel, hear the movement of the train. Taste a new air. Touch the cold window. Fly away for a while.

There are people to talk to... but only if I want. Most of them are too caught up for interaction. And that is fine. I am too.


-------
Hmm, on this note, of traveling.
I wish I was working from place to place. Paying myself around the country, around the world. I wish I was brave enough.

I want to watch Into the Wild. I've seen it once, and only once. Strange because of the connection I have to it. I guess it makes sense though. I don't want to watch it because I am afraid to watch it... for whatever of many subconscious reasons.

--
Beh,
I need to go read
and write
and get ready to sleep.

Early morning tomorrow.

--

PS.

I
LOVE
TWILIGHT.