that was the most emotionally taxing seminar I have had for a long time. In full group I didn't say anything. I don't think I got the full concept of the book until after we had talked it all through. I didn't feel qualified to speak because I hadn't thought it through enough. I wish I had time to think it through.
Maybe taking 20 credits worth of school and work is just not reasonable. I know my mind is strong enough to develop these concepts, but I'm not doing it. I need time to process the information, to work through the doom and gloom, and the chaos...

This week we start our research projects on top of everything else.
Shit.
I am partly considering dropping Spanish, forgetting about Peru, just so can deal with everything else. Not that dropping Spanish would do much. Its the most relaxing class ever so I'd still be overwhelmed without it.

After seminar I was supposed to go to this workshop. Fuck that. There was no way. So I decided to take the hour off. I went on a walk back down to the dorms for the second time (I had done this between peer review and lunch since we got out early). The walk was what I thought I needed. But it didn't help. Zach and Eric and Daniel were on the field throwing a frisbee. I didn't stop to chat cause I was breaking down by the minute. I didn't know if I wanted to go to my dorm so I went into the HCC bathroom and splashed water on my face. Not enough. I slunk to my room and screamed into my pillow and felt like crying but couldn't. I got up and went to the kitchen cause I heard Em in there. I was about to ask her if she had any fruit lying around and she told me there were some apples in the fridge. I considered two or three, but grabbed one. It was pretty good. Really good for the moment, because everything felt like shit. The apple accompanied back through the field and up here, to the library where I am waiting for work to start. I should be reading. I told myself I would be. But honestly I can only do so much.
Maybe I am just being weak.

After work it'd be really nice to go back and read slowly and peacefully. I'd like the company of someone, but I don't know...
I really need someone who understands me in a certain respect, but I am not sure if there is such a person. Lots of people have lots of different understandings of me. I need a specific one. "Need." I am so weak.

After that seminar, I can't help but hate myself a little bit. Not only because of my inability to contribute anything of significance, but also because I am part of the burden of this world. And I carry that with me. Why shouldn't I? No, the real question is why don't more people carry it too? I feel like the people in my class understand how overwhelming it is. Some of them vocalized that today. But every positive. Every piece of hope that gets tossed in the middle of that circle of thinkers, is ravenously torn apart by questions. And questions are good. And there is the rub. We should question everything. But we can't question everything to the point that we do nothing. But I am so stuck.
Someone in seminar said "there is not point in being paralyzed the weight of these ideas." I agree, yet here I am... completely deer-in-headlights stuck.

You said "I guess I'm not as much of a rock as I thought I was."
I feel like my rock-self is quickly deteriorating into dust, or melting under pressure and heat.

The more the world pushes, the stronger I must be.
I said something to that effect right before camp. Camp... where nothing is wrong with the world.

FUCK.
Seriously.
FUCK!!

I'm so fucking angry.

6 minutes.
How am I supposed to be a tutor to someone when I can't even hold myself together.
Put it all on hold. Forget it for now.
Stop being so goddamn weak.

I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs.