I feel better today.
I remembered something you said, and...

Anyway,
when Tyler left last night I felt like my life was over. I was so discouraged. So angry at myself, and him, and everyone and everything. I felt there was nothing that would make the pain stop.

And then Em came home crying too. And I just realized how disgusting it is that people suffer so much, even though they are amazing people, unlike anyone else. And I can't decide if they (we) suffer because of the things that make us different, or if we are different because we suffer. Or both. Or neither.

I don't know anything.
How to answer these questions.
How to deal with these things.
And neither does he, and neither do any of you.
No one knows anything,
because nothing is to be known concretely.
Everything changes, always.
Each situation is different, always.

But anyway, seeing Em like that (broken down, feeling inadequate just like me) and crying with her, knowing that we felt the same pain, and that we both wanted to change... that was empowering. That was what I needed, and what I think I sought with you, Zach. I hope you can do this by yourself, because I know I can't. I can't stand alone against the world.

what is that quote?
"Love is too people looking in the same direction."
something like that.
maybe its not true all the time...



---
i was interrupted while writing this. had a tutoring session.
when I was done with that, Roger (form CV last year) came in and sat down with me. I listened, waiting for him to give me some answers, from his age and wisdom.
His stories, written or told, were always my favorite.
He didn't say much that meant anything to me while we were sitting there, but I do like listening to his stories.
As he started to get up to leave, he looked at me and said "I can still stand up." He braced his hands against the table, and made a brief struggle out of his chair.
I stared, proud,
and slightly confused.
"I was supposed to be in a wheelchair a few years ago. I avoid that by the mere fact that I just keep walking."
And he walked
away.