today...
Well... besides the fact that I have had to be somewhere non-stop between 10am and now (and continuing until 8) I'm starting to remember why I struggled so much with the world for so long.
I don't really wanna go there though.
To say it (without saying it):
I feel very alone.
I'm calling myself into question again.
Once again, I am starting to rely on other people's approval for my acceptance of myself.
Maybe I never stopped doing that, but it sure does start to stick out when other people blatantly don't approve.
Fuck. It was seminar today that broke me.
It was like I reverted a year. I didn't have anything to say that I thought anyone else would think was important. It wasn't until we had about 15 minutes left that I spoke up in full group, and it was in response to someone else. Basically when I was done explaining what I was trying to say, I had 15 blank faces staring at me as if I spoke a foreign language (funny cause we were talking about linguistics, and my point had to do with how standardization, or at least, specificity is important when trying to communicate effectively across differences... especially with like census data).
Apparently I'm some sort of alien or idiot cause like I said... it was silent. I tried to re explain, and instead of people trying to get my point, this girl commented on how someone else's previous point was a good one and went along about it.
There are many reason's I hadnt spoken up until that point.
One was that I had been similarly shut down in small group discussion, where I tried to explain something and wasnt given ample time to work it out in words.
Two was because I felt overwhelmed by the info in the book, and kinda wanted to get a feel for how it was being interpreted before I stuck my neck out on the chopping block (clearly that was effective...)
Three was because many of these people are upperclassmen, and for some reason that I can't figure out, are all more articulate, smarter, and more knowledgeable about this topic.
Whatever really happened in there, I was broken down by it, and for the first time in weeks, I wanted to cry.
All the while Dana was sitting next to me, cause she wanted to sit in on one of my classes. She enjoyed it a lot and even thought it was better than most anything she had experienced at Whitman. That made it worth it for me to have to sit through, to have her be satisfied.
Right after seminar at 3, it was time for my biweekly writing center meeting which inconveniently got moved to Monday, 3-5, right when seminar ends, and overlapping with one of my writing center hours.
Ironically enough, that meeting was about group dynamics... and how to find a balance when having discussions with groups, without making the situation uncomfortable with anyone else. Go figure.
It was a very draining meeting, especially having gone through what I just had.
Then immediately after that (actually even before the meeting was over) I had to go to my first tutoring session. That was the best part of my day so far. Unfortunately the kid only wanted to spend about 15 minutes in here. We were having an awesome conversation about his paper, and his program about dreaming, and my dreams, ect. But he left quickly after we were done reading and discussing his paper.
Then I had time to reflect on the session.
Now I have desk duty and I am pretty much venting out 8 hours of one huge stressful day.
Tomorrow... I have work, and Spanish class.
I need to finish reading a book, and pack for the retreat.
Then we have the retreat, which I am excited for because I don't really have class all week, but I am kinda dreading cause I feel so outcast from many of my classmates.
Ben will be there. And there's this chick Donna who's awesome (and had she been in seminar today she would have backed me up, or at least tried to understand me, like she did last week). Kelsey is cool too. And Annie. And hopefully I will get to know many more of the people who I am going to be working with for at least the next 5 or 6 months. I don't want to start getting any negitive feelings toward them already, but I just...
I listen to everyone. I try to understand all the crazy things people say.
I just want to be heard too.
That's about it...
what it all comes down to.
I want someone to relate to me.
You know whats hard about that though?
All the people who are like me, in that sense, are likely going to be the ones quietly listening, the one's waiting to be approached, the one's desperately blogging their emotions out for years and years.
Not saying its a bad thing, or that its all I do... cause I do put myself out there quite a lot.
I just need someone to reach their hand out back to me, and hold it, rather than chop it off.
"If you don't know the kind of person I am
and I don't know the kind of person you are
a pattern that others made may prevail in the world
and following the wrong god home we may miss our star.
For there is many a small betrayal in the mind,
a shrug that lets the fragile sequence break
sending with shouts the horrible errors of childhood
storming out to play through the broken dyke.
And as elephants parade holding each elephant's tail,
but if one wanders the circus won't find the park,
I call it cruel and maybe the root of all cruelty
to know what occurs but not recognize the fact.
And so I appeal to a voice, to something shadowy,
a remote important region in all who talk:
though we could fool each other, we should consider--
lest the parade of our mutual life get lost in the dark.
For it is important that awake people be awake,
or a breaking line may discourage them back to sleep;
the signals we give--yes or no, or maybe--
should be clear: the darkness around us is deep."
-William Stafford
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