first things first...

CAKE LADY [Fabiola] HAS A FUCKING FACEBOOK! YES!!! Oh gosh I miss you, Pisco, even more now. Talking about it today with people just made me so excited to have found it. So, maybe I won't end up detailing all I have to say, but I'm kinda in a typing mood. And away we go.

Tonight, I begrudgingly went to this sort of impromptu local music show at The Nursery where many people from high school were going to be performing. I sorta anticipated a high-school reunion type feel, and wasn't looking forward to that, but Dana invited me and since I was dying to see her (hadn't since March) I knew I needed to go. But I also knew Tony was going to be there, and I can't deny that it still makes me nervous to see him. Mainly, I was bothered because I have been so happy and Tony was there during (and was the cause of) much of my unhappiness. The last time I had seen him was last November over Thanksgiving Break which on top of being the worst period of my life I proceeded to have one of the most painful interactions with him of our very long, ever-more sparse, but always intensely emotional relationship. So sitting there waiting, I was almost anticipating that his re-appearance into my life would shatter all these things in myself that have allowed me to feel so much better.
I mean, in recent years we have texted each other on occasion, generally when he needed consoling or advice, or when I felt like reminding him that he is always loved and thought of, and those interactions are always good. And we had one phone convo on the car ride from Georgia to WV (when he was in NY) which was probably one of the most relaxed I've been with him, or with anything associated to his name, since I was 16. So I had the memory of that conversation to keep my heart-rate down while the first bands played. I had Dana too and it was great to see her. She didn't seem quite as excited to see me, but I figured she was just nervous for her performance. I hung out with her and Noelle (who looks great now) and a couple people I never really got to know from high school. Minority Child played. This is a very unique grungy band made up of 2 guys from my graduating class (Bryan and Dylan) and then a guy who I think is the guitarist's younger brother. Dylan is incredible on guitar and all of their music captivates you because it almost never repeats itself. Its sorta like they just get up there and jam.

Tony showed. We gave each other a great hug and so I stopped worrying so much. He played. A couple OCMS songs and one other. Maybe I can just read him better than most people, or maybe it was blatantly obvious, but he was super nervous. He did well though. I mean, he used to sing me songs in Spanish and I remember he had a very nice voice. But even though I knew, I swear, if I wasn't looking straight at him I wouldn't have believed it was him. He was dang good. Just nervous. And I was thinking about him as I watched him, knowing his dreams, to be an artist... to be a musician and just hoping so hard that somehow he gets out of this valley and does it for himself. He could be so great. He already is great... he just doesn't know what to do with it... how to project it. Almost like he is afraid of his potential.

After his set he disappeared for a while but then came and found me and sat next to me on the bench. It was nice that he sorta just gave all his attention to talking to me. I mean, he did most of the talking, but its just cool that even though all his friends were there he still made time to catch up. We talked about Peru, his family, his job, his plans for college, and his nerves on stage. He said he was really antsy, and he thought he didn't do his best, and he wished he felt comfortable enough to sing loudly like he does with his friends...

It's hard for me to not say anything... to not tell him that I know he is good enough... to belt it out... to do whatever it is he wants to do.

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Anyway I watched some more people perform while the sun went down behind us, and dark and cold crept in around us. The stage was dimly lit, tiki torches were set ablaze, string lights brightened the potluck area. I felt settled, calm, and happy that I had come. During one of the sets I talked to Christi who I only know through Tony's sister. She had really grown up and we had a great conversation about her desire to become a horticulturalist.

Then Dana played with some friends, and holy fuck... I too easily forget how talented people are. She blew my mind with her voice and songwriting. I loved hearing her perform.

After that some older people played. I listened some but decided to wander over to the refreshment table where I said hi to Bryan, and then saw Sean Byrnes. This is someone who I love to death and who I really wish was in my life more than he is. He goes to Fairhaven (as did his brother) and is loving it. While I was talking to him I looked over and saw a guy wearing an Evergreen shirt. Couldn't place him at first but then I realized it was Alex Hazelmann (Alex Olson's ex) who is going to be in my program next year. So we all talked about Fairhaven and Evergreen. Sean and I talked about our respective travels abroad (he to Costa Rica), and how much we each are loving our unconventional educations. Haze got super excited hearing us talk about it, and Bryan said that he was saving up to go to EG too.

Dominic (who I really didn't know in high school) started playing as we talked. We went over to enjoy. At one point he played a song about a girl that he loved drowning. It took me about halfway through to realize it was probably about Tess. Then I remembered very vague images of him on stage in the auditorium trying to speak through tears during her memorial service. As he played, I sat back from the stage and after a while my eyes kept being drawn to a particularly bright spot at the top of Mount Si. It kept getting brighter as he played and finally peaked over the mountain once Dom's set was over, and it was time for Dana to drive me home.

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My initial nerves and apprehension about the night came out of habit. There is a pattern (much less prevalent now) I have always lived by, in mind and action. The simplest way to put it is self-consciousness. Probably everyone deals with it, but to the degree I've let it control me and hurt me? I haven't been able to figure out if it is normal or not; if other people just have stronger methods of coping with it, hiding it, or ignoring it. I don't know how to say this, but I think in shedding the shadows that held me so far under for so long, I found a new layer of myself. I guess you could call this one confidence. I feel good about the person I am. I don't want to hide it anymore. I don't really even feel like there's much of anything to hide.

One of the singers tonight, an older one, said "I wrote this song back in the angry part of life." Everyone laughed. "You know? Back when you were feisty and and always fighting something?"

I guess he comment helped me organize some of the thoughts I'd been having. First I thought about my "angry part of life" and remembered how I believed it would last forever. That the only way to escape it was death. I believed I knew too much injustice and shit about the world to be a happy person. I guessed I could temporarily escape it by using drinking or smoking to ignore it, and to punish myself (the health of my body) because I was a part of the injustice. It scares me to think about what would have happened if I ended up going down that road. Suicide probably; I was already so close to that edge. I had seen people go to these substances to escape, and I had seen them get better for a bit, and then just crash, and continuously spiral even lower. I knew I wasn't going to be happy, but I also knew I didn't want to go there. I guess my strong will I can thank for that. I was spiraling, but I was doing it in my mind, and not physically. (Well... I can't say that... There was a physical aspect. Multiples, maybe. I can't explain why the one I chose was okay with me, while I have always seen drugs and alcohol as out of the question. In my mind, the intention is the same. Maybe not. I do not have the mind of an alcoholic, nor even a person who desires to drink. I have only had the impulse on a few occasions, and I know what I felt, but I obviously cannot speak for everyone. Anyway, I supposed I did what I did because my mind had been conditioned by me and my surroundings to reject the more obvious methods of escape/self-harm.) Anyway, I could only try to explain what happened that changed things for me. And again, maybe I am too quick to refer to it this way... as though now things are different for me. They are, but indefinitely because I can't pretend I fully understand my mind or the depression that found host in it, but I can confidently say that I feel immensely better now.

The second thing I thought of (after the performer made that comment) was that maybe most people go through that anger and guilt; they rebel against the rules and the norms and the injustices on themselves and the things that piss them off. And then they grow up, get out of the valley, escape the drama, find independence, do whatever, and become content. They anger is placated by the relative calm/norm of their lives. For me, that is what scared me so much about happiness: complacency. I never wanted to be a person who was okay with the way things were, because so much of the way things are is NOT okay. Even if everything is dandy in my life, the majority of other people are suffering, or at least struggling. I didn't want to be ignorant of that.

But I remembered something Vladi had said during his lecture about finding the right balance of exuberance and humility. The exuberance part first:

The new layer, the happiness that lightens every thing about every day, and the anger and hate that built in me daily for years... they both have the same result. This desire to make the world better. The anger drove me to fight, but the joy I have found in the beauty of people and places and the world also drives me to fight. I want to protect it, spread it, share it, feel it. As angry as I was about the terror, I am exuberant about finding ways to rectify it.

It continues to be a process to even accept the possibility of me being a happy person. I was in such an opposing state for so long. But Vladi's idea helped a lot. Humility suggests awareness. Awareness in my mind has always equated to unhappiness. Perhaps that affiliation can change now. In the face of the horrific, if there is a balance of awareness (which is often heavy) and exuberance (which is energy to do what needs to be done to make the heavy lighter) then maybe inner peace can still exist.


Perhaps this metaphor of shedding a layer is wrong. Maybe instead I grew a new layer, over the old. As liberating as it is to get rid of something, I don't like to think of it as gone because it isn't totally gone. I wouldn't be able to feel the depth of joy that I do without having felt that depth of pain, so it is with me still. Not necessarily that it is hidden or suppressed, but more that it is a huge part of my make up and identity; one of the biggest parts so far. I will never forget it, and I hope no one else who knows me does either.

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After having said all this, there is an entry in my journal that I would like to put here. It is very long and I don't have the brain capacity to write it all out now, at 3 am. But I will type it up sometime. It says almost everything I said in this post. A little more, a little less. But it was from my flight home (the last leg of my long journey) and to me it demonstrates that going on the trip, doing what I did, seeing what I saw, is what made the change in me. My thing tonight is that these changes were demonstrated when I entered this situation at The Nursery where I know I would have been miserable had it occurred before I left for Peru.