I had forgotten, already. I hadn't lost it completely but I had definitely forgotten. I had known something was missing for a while (the short time I've been home has seemed to last), but I couldn't place it until I got your letter today.

Has the tattoo been absorbed into me, or was it simply washed away? I regret that I can't look at it everyday, though I suppose that it is only one lesson, and there are more lessons to learn than room on my body for ink to remind myself of them.


But how will I remember who I am? I had forgotten, so soon.


So easily we... I... get caught up in patterns. And even if I am cognizant of them, and making the action towards living "better", I often lose track of the meaning of my other actions.

I've just been losing things to myself a lot lately.

And perhaps I have not really been a writer until now, when I have not written.

I hope someday soon, I will feel once again in necessity of exploring thoughts aloud (and by that I mean on paper).

I am starving. Please, take no offense, but the people I have been spending my time with have been leaving me hungry and cold. Everything is type one. Action and reaction without genuine thought or feeling. I see myself trying to patch the holes in flimsy fabric, praying that these will clothe me until once again I can feel the warmth of what I believe I need to wear for good. How can I pretend to know what that would look like? Or that I would even want to know. And then, again, I know better who I am when there are no mirrors to look at anyway. But reflection is necessary for me. And I will never look back, or forward, or at, or through, and see the same thing. Consistency is not my strong suit when it comes to human interaction or relation... or...
This is all well enough, since what I see in the mirror will also never be the same.

I know the truth, but I am afraid of it --we all fear the unknown. The truth as far as I know it is that I don't know it. Truth is circumstantial. So why this constant search for something constant? Especially when to relax and enjoy the change in lightness can prove to be so much more.

Perhaps fulfilled and happy cannot sustain anymore than empty and broken, nor can they exist under the same circumstances. Nor can the same circumstances ever exist at the same time. Nor can time ever allow any one circumstance to endure.

Maybe there is no remembering who I am, because "I am" doesn't ever exist in the same combination or agglomeration of being. And perhaps this is why I suddenly had a sense of infinity within me during Vladi's lecture... Maybe "I" as a whole do not exist, and therefore "I" will not exist any less once this body and mind decay. It will be another change in composition and order...one I will [probably] not be aware of, and one that out-does every change I have been or will be aware of (at least, with this particular state-of-mind --being "human").


And... it seems I have again found the urge to delve into these things, but at this moment my attention is being called elsewhere (namely making dinner with my parents. All three of us together). So hopefully I can return with this enthusiasm in the near future, though perhaps not tonight as James also wants to spend some time together tonight, and tomorrow is Alpine Days where I will hopefully be able to see old friends and enjoy the time (which requires actually sleeping tonight).

More later.