I'm done playing games. That's all.

I would do anything for you, but there is nothing I can do. To love is all the help I can give, and its the only cure for the hatred that still seems to creep into my heart and start beating out, in force, through my veins. It's all somewhat forced for now, except in those separate special moments where happiness is the only thing that exists and it exists only for pure and natural beauty. Forced? That's not it. It's just that I have this battle in my head, and the darkness fights lightness with such greater voracity and conviction, and sometimes it is only when I consciously take control that I can beat it back.

This isn't all always true. Sometimes, its just the opposite.

"This love of dichotomy (the dichotomy of love) -of light and dark- I both fear and embrace, and I know I will never escape by fighting, nor could I banish it through will alone. The way the gray plays into colors, enriching the scene, and enchanting me with its contrast to the golden sun, I believe that a no more beautiful sight I could delight to see."

Just thoughts... that may or may not have any true meaning. I guess I can reinforce, at this point, that I have few real convictions. And those I do have are constantly in question, even if I unwaveringly live by them.


Someone wrote me something:

"My words now float
up
to space
and then down to you
in a digital prayer, while
my flesh streaks
down
I-5 with grass seeds
in my hair
and paint on my face.
My soul isn't to be found though,
but of course
no ones' ever was
so i can't lodge any new complaints
into our ledger.

I think of you
and i think of whales
and a spider
braving a crawl space
in an attic that may only hold
starvation.
We're all insane;
there is no debate
on that,
but i fear i might be
growing saner
as i lose things to say,
so i have started
not to speak.

Instead
i try correspondence with the wind
but i only receive changes
in air pressure
as a reply.

This drove Dostoevsky
under-
ground,
but it makes me want to run
to you:
yes to bare feet
and snow
and the prospect
that something was actually waiting
for us
on that blanket.

Now the sun begins
to rise
but the billboard lights are still on
despite the slumber
of the theme parks.

Soon they will wake
and lines
will spontaneously form
out of forged courtesy
and habit,
but i will wonder
when i can sleep
in your arms
under
a January snow
again."

He commented after sending it to me, that upon reading it he realized that he had lived. And I too, now that he mentions it.

The point of this post has been lost completely, except that I have been reading so much and writing so little, and here I am writing now. Reading has been good for me, but I know my true love. Though, I suppose one doesn't come without the other. And neither come without learning, hopefully. And learning has been filling the cracks left open from the base level interaction I've been having with people.

I hope it is clear that I have been trying to love better. I have been trying to love people with purity, hope, respect, honest, and without judgment. And also, trying to leave bitterness behind, because that will not help the people who need my love the most.

Also, I believe I have come to a point where I really need to focus on me, and my family. At least for this next week, before I go to school, but probably even longer. A huge part of this focus means actively loving people, but not allowing their decisions to affect me as I usually do. Even though I feel the importance of allowing things to affect me the way they naturally do, there are some parts of me that still need to be built up and reinforced before I can let the world knock them around every-which way. Normally, this isn't an option. People don't have time to make this space for themselves, most people never get the chance to even make decisions about what they want or who they are (maybe none of us do, depending on your particular spiritual beliefs), but I feel I have a space for this in my life right now, and I want to take it. Meaning... I have no clue what it means, except that I want to be really intentional about my decisions and actions in the next week, leading up to school, and see if I can grow some. Yea, I feel like I have growing pains, but that something is restricting actual development. Whatever it is, I want to be rid of it.

Wouldn't put it past me that I am crazy, and coming up with crazy things to write to explain the crazy way I act sometimes, and the crazy way I feel most of the time, but I don't think it can hurt to do a bit of an experiment here, while my commitments are sparse.