i intake conflicting things. i cannot bifurcate into two people. i oscillate between these things. eventually i create a new identity that makes compromises. in essence it can stay the same, or it can change. this is growth. or, if the compromise i make compromises other values then do i not lose some of the growth i had gained in the last oscillation? it is possible. it is possible, then, that the choice i make based on weighing decisions could allow me to fall backwards instead of move forward. or to do them equally at the same length, but in different respects.

for conflict to result in growth there must be acceptance that conflict exists, and there must be compromise.
[spirals]

--i am reflecting, and trying to learn through a session. Jayson...
the subject is so thick and his is doing great things with it in his paper. it is so relevant to everyone. and everything.
[fractals]
[[gifts]]

chaos. my head is full. i just need some of it to drain out right now. it is taking so much effort to put down thought to paper. i don't want it to leak out anyway [drip. drip drip.. drip. drip....drip..dripdrip]
i want to know it all, hold it ALL in my head. keep it. work with it. learn. grow from it. i want it. BECAUSE i am being exposed right now and it must fit somewhere, here.

my brain is starting to learn to work on two tracks at the same time. it has to. i have to write and read. write and speak. speak and write. think and write. read and think and write. do and think and remember. draw and see. connect and disconnect. listen and climb. climb and focus. climb and relax. hold and release. let go and hold on. let go. move on? hear. listen.
forward things.
conflicting things.
build, crash! descend, crash! paradigms, leverage and
CRASH.


how much? how much disruption can faith endure? as much as we want. as much as we can hold up. or is it a matter of will? and how much is that? how many times can betrayal befall loyalty before loyalty collapses? small collapses. small renewal.

always on the verge
never enough energy or time to make sense of things enough to actually break through.

ignore this.
it is mush...though a fairly accurate representation of the feeling in the mind of an Alex/interdisciplinary student/writing tutor/writer/friend/daughter/human/animal/cell/thingggggggggggggggggggggg/(blue whale)

AND
if i continue thinking right now, i might collapse.
back to mind-numbingly sketching the way a striped shirt falls over a jewelry box.


[next time there is an election, lets make an initiative for having more hours in the day.]