Cameron and I watched all the Lord of the Rings movies since graduation. Watching them, I have decided I want to try to live my life as a great and noble quest. To live with more conviction about my duty and passion, and to embody dedication to what I care for. To keep questioning myself and others, and to continue asking, but to speak with strength and beauty, even in uncertainty. Cameron always encourages me to say things, even if I am unsure about their truth. There is probably no avoiding this in any case, but it is a difficult task to take on consciously. I am getting better.

Now that I am able to slow down, I can start to integrate. There is much to be integrated, but I am able to be more conscious of and committed to the processes necessary. I do not have to force so much anymore--things just emerge: poetry, activity, other things that have no name. Synchronicity and a sense of rightness surround me like humid air, and hold me.

There is still doubt. Fear, regret, loneliness, disappointment, frustration. And I would be a fool to think that panic will not overtake me again. But it is nice to know that I can find pockets like this where there is peace.

Last night, at the sunset, Carolyn and I discussed her situation and it brought up something that I had been thinking about in relation to my own life. How much we (as a society) value obtaining independence, particularly financially. In many situations, this is more than a value but a need. In any case, we consider those who are not financially independent as some sort of failure. But in this moment, I am not financially independent, and do not yet have plans or a need to be, especially in this time of emotional and spiritual shifting. I am a highly privileged person with the the unique opportunity for a season of stillness.

For a time I had been thinking "Oh, how selfish am I? I am emotionally turbulent and need this time to heal. I am bringing no good to the world. I am just sucking up resources and life." But now I can see that in my personal healing, I am healing parts of the world. And even in the absence of immediate demand upon me, I have much to offer. Yes, I have so much to give right now and how wonderful it is that I only need to focus on that--on shifting the energy of the world, inwardly and outwardly. I have time. I can use that time to benefit the world. The failure would be if I remained only a consumer--able but unwilling to give back.

There is no ignoring it: this is a privilege that most people cannot enjoy. I do not take that lightly. I feel the gentle weight of my responsibility in this time. There is much in it, but it does not feel heavy because it does not feel urgent, though much of it is. The fact that I have the time to spend on it brings me peace and encouragement.