i writed something good!
and i wanna show someone
but it's 3 am.

GO TO
SLEEP

bah! ideas today...
I'm bursting. its great, but crippling until i buckle down, which doesn't happen until everyone else is asleep.
maybe i should just re-accept that i work best (write best) in the middle of the night.

Been reading and writing like crazy these past couple days. Berry, Circumference, On the Plaza, articles about the occupy movement (and there are about 30 on RS that I want to read). But I am overloading myself with ideas and have realized that my ability to frame ideas cohesively has been crippled somehow, probably by being inundated with an unmanageable amount of complex ideas. Or maybe I am just ignoring the process, unwilling to submit to the necessity of limiting my scope of exploration. What's that quote? "Tug on one thing and you will find it connected to everything else in the universe." something like that, and it has been my experience lately. But I don't know where to make the cut...

Part of the "problem" is that I have so many projects going on right now, I don't even know what to do, where to start, how much to focus/spread my energy. I've spent the majority of the past few days trying to explore ideas for my contract next quarter, meaning I have been disregarding the work I need to do for my contract this quarter (except that I found out that I get to go to a weekend workshop with my Uncle in a couple weeks on Bainbridge if I want).

Also, I taught myself a couple new things yesterday which I want to keep practicing. And I should be doing some Spanish every day, but I'm not. That should be one of my goals... starting now?

Mom found a perfect location for a Co-op in North Bend. When I saw it I was about ready to buy it right then and there. Oh, vision. It could be great. So now I've gotten a little crazy thinking I could write a contract where I do a feasibility study for a Co-op in North Bend, based on a model similar to the one in Oly.
But I really wanna keep doing urban studies (its sooo related though, Alex)
and I don't wanna be commuting between here and there...
but I do want to start that project. Especially now that I know there is so much internal interest in the community. Side project on top of school? (You're insane).

To do:
-practice Spanish daily
-email people interested in starting a co-op, set up interest meeting to be held during x-mas break, start FB group/page/whoa!
-write up for Circumference project, send to group, finish reading Circumference
-keep compiling resources/brainstorming for potential urban space/play contract, find sponsor
-figure out what class(es) to register for --go to Academic Fair, Wednesday
-email evergreen peeps back about summative eval panel (after meeting with reena, monday)
-put together presentation AND paper for current contract, make it exciting!
-finish other work for current contract
-"NaNoWriMo"
-finish making the things
-email people about the other things (carolyn i am starting to sound like you)
-watch movie in spanish, write review/response in spanish

ok. just one question: WHEN?
I swear.. I have been working on one of these things or another pretty much straight for the past two days besides sleeping.

oh, don't forget:
-Veg food for thanksgiving
-soccer party friday!
-photo-shoot/baby shower saturday


enough spewing. back to it.
i am enjoying myself, btw. just somewhat overwhelmed. whelmed? dunno
AHHH

-Ian MacKenzie, Charles Eisenstein, November 11, 2011

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ours To Love.

Maybe you will listen now.

These people are,
and this world is
ours to love.

As humans we are young, we are naive,
and we do not collectively have something to look to for guidance.
many of us are lost. we all have our own ways.:
some of us find comfort in religion.
some of us find satisfaction helping other people.
some of us are content to stray without direction.
We are all different.
But we are all together, and that is the important part.
We are all together as a community in this loss,
We are all together as a race in this world,
and we are all together as living creatures in this universe,
and we need to realize that together we can make and break lives.

because we have a power. It is a power that we all utilize in different ways.
Humans, through all their flaws, have the capacity for love,
and if we open our hearts that capacity will fill to its infinite brim.
However, if you think about it, love is also responsible for hate.
Hate is driven by love. It is for the love of something that we employ hate to protect that which we love - an idea, a religion, a person, a way of life...
but rather than closing the doors on "conflicting" ideas ect, why do we not remember the age old adage "live and let live"?
The reasoning behind this cliché is that no one person is the same - as you can see by looking around you right now - but that our differences are a gift which present us with the chance and the choice to love.
Sadly do not always take it that chance. In fact, I would say it is rare for any one person to show love to every other person that they meet.
Why? Because that calls for complete acceptance,
and acceptance requires strength, and we are weak.
But we are weak only as long as we allow ourselves to be.
I say NO MORE. I choose strength. I choose acceptance.
I choose to open my life up to the possibility of love without force.
It is time to be strong, for ourselves and for everyone else.
It is time to cast aside ignorance and fear of the unknown
and embrace the truth that we are all here together and we need each other.
It is time for a revolution in the name of love.

Love and life go hand in hand:
Without life there is no one to love.
Without love there is no reason for life.

-Me, January 2, 2008

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Revolution.

"DROP EVERYTHING GET UP AND RUN

RUN to the side of your brothers and sisters who fight on your behalf

RUN to the footsteps and doors of office buildings full of those still sleeping

STOP what you are doing whatever it may be and RUN

STOP watching the news

STOP checking for status updates

STOP driving your car, literally pull over get out and RUN

PUT DOWN your cell phone and coffee, ok maybe not the coffee

LEAVE BEHIND the comfort of your warm home

LEAVE BEHIND outdated modes of thought

LEAVE BEHIND anything and everything that is holding you back and RUN

WHAT IF you could be the straw that breaks the camals back

WHAT IF your presence would help make those around you stronger

WHAT IF you could actually change the world

WHAT IF you could inspire people to want to at least try

IMAGINE IF it worked

IMAGINE IF every single person you know started running right now

running to the side of our brothers and sisters standing in the cold

holding onto every hope they've ever had of making things better

COULD YOU decide that everything you left behind was not as important as our future?

COULD YOU ignite the fire in your heart that's been slowling burning out

the fire that used to guide your way, telling you that all things are possible

TELLING YOU that you have the right and the responsibility to no longer be silent

TELLING YOU to use your voice to defend those who cannot speak and who cannot run

WOULD YOU use that fire to set the world ablaze and watch it burn? or

WOULD YOU use a spark to ignite the hearts of everyone around you

WOULD YOU feed that fire until it burned so hot that they couldnt stop themselves from running?

running to the sides of our brothers and sisters keeping themselves warm only

by the embers in their hearts.

DO YOU BELIEVE that the there is something worth saving

DO YOU BELIEVE that you are strong and powerful, if not by yourself than together with others

DO YOU BELIEVE you could make sacrifices to be a part of something bigger than yourself?

then let any reason you have, any little spark of life you find worth defending, ignite your heart

and RUN"

-Jessica Armstrong

"the ability to respond to the need of the moment."

you can't just go halfway down
you have to go all the way.

"The actual human voices we hear form and fade like pond-ripples; that is their mystery. Often we misread them as solid objects, like stones or stars, because we're used to carved steel, printed text, digitalized recordings of the fluttering larynx and its small warm wet wind, the vibration which reaches out and shivers skin inside our ears and the watery electricity of our brains. One way of remembering that voices are not things is to recall that one of those voices is our own: a dark resonance in a solid tongue and bone, which is not tongue and body themselves. It is the breath of our bow across the larynx our violin. It is in fact our body, vibrating, as it grasps the world alternatively, a casting of our body upon the air."

of everything.

::quote of the day, brought to you by the OccupyOly listserv. it was funnier in context, and by that i mean my own.

---------------------------------------------------
A list of things I want to remember or think more about

People:
RC
Mom
Carolyn
Joan Jett
Joan Hitchens
David Hitchens
Tom Ward (helllo)

Things that are buzzing:
"Awkward Walks"
Sounds of Resistance
Occupy Writers
mapsss
flies (flies)
fleas (fuck)

Death:
dead whales
dead dogs
dead flies
dying flies
dying leaves
dying person

Words&concepts (of perplexity/complexity/someplexity):
"occupation"
"sustainability"
"empowerment"
"independence"
"peace"
"skookum"
(and a whole slew of others)

Food:
Chard
Eggplant
and lotsa green things
plus grapes

Dreams:
3 layers deep
discovery in my sleep

Updates:
walking without a boot
hell, walking without a brace even.
training for a marathon
competing in the climbing comp tomorrow!
not

there are a massive amount of sirens in the streets tonight.

-------------------------------------------------------

i will start writing again soon, probably.

Michelle knew Rachel.

Today I was walking from seminar to the Writing Center and this guy was singing and playing guitar at the edge of the grassy knoll on Red Square. Right when I passed him the lyrics to his song were something to the effect of "darling you're a blue whale in the deep sea."

I was just reminded of something else. This quote has been bouncing around in my head for weeks now, trying to apply itself to different parts of my life. It is something I synthesized from different things the pastor at Becca's church said:

"We live in a culture of entitlement. There is nothing wrong with desires, but when desires turn to demands, love is destroyed. Entitlement turns desires into demands causing the divisions in our relationships."

I suppose it is more applicable in a discussion of demands between individuals and not between people and government. But it came up for me at the end of the previous post when I asked "what are our demands for each other?"


geez. I'm overwhelmed now.
and its time to do homework.

Lately everyone has been talking about the Occupy Wall Street (Occupy everywhere) movement that's going on right now, and it's got me inspired to write about some things I've been thinking about for some time, specifically about the most effect and powerful ways to make change. So here we are in the middle of this incredible global movement that has been popping up all over in the form of the occupation of public space, as well as worker strikes and direct action. And while I am completely elated that this is happening, that people are waking up and standing up together, I am wondering where it will lead and how. My questions come from three sources of influence that I've encountered in the last month or so. These are: of one of Wendell Berry's essays, "Think Little," which I just read (and loved!), a difficult conversation with my father last month, and an strategic article on "Envisioning" written by Donella Meadows.

The conversation with my dad on 9/11 began as a discussion about who was involved in the events of that day ten years ago, and evolved into an argument about the causes of social injustice, environmental degradation, etc. I talked about how corporate interference in government has taken away the power of the people, and how our lives are contained in manufactured boxes of abundant distraction and conditioning. I said the response was to recognize this and respond through personal life choices (working toward self-sufficiency within local communities, avoiding putting money into corporate pockets by selective spending, and other actions). I also expressed anxiety that unfortunately many people have none of the means to access this perspective, or the energy or empowerment or know how to make such choices. In response to my concern that my voice--a single voice--is not enough to be heard in such an enormous system of influence and power, he simply told me not to be disheartened and not to "run away". In essence he encouraged me that I do have an influence and that being discouraged and removing myself completely was irresponsible. It's not that I totally disagree with that, but it got me thinking: there has got to be a balance that can be lived especially at this juncture in history when so much is happening--there's got to be a balance between living within "the system" in order to change it, and living without it.

If we are in collective transition between one way of living and another, perhaps we must straddle the line in order to be fully alive and active members of our race, of our communities, during this time in history. In Wendell Berry's essay "Think Little" he talks about this in a context that is very applicable to what has been going on these past few weeks in NY and across the country. He says:

It seems to me that the Civil Rights Movement and the Peace Movement, as popular causes in the electronic age, have partaken far too much of the nature of fads. Not for all, certainly, but for too many they have been the fashionable politics of the moment. As causes they have been undertaken too much in ignorance; they have been too much simplified; they have been powered too much by impatience and guilt of conscience and short-term enthusiasm, and too little by an authentic social vision and long-term conviction and deliberation.

He goes on to say:

If this effort is carried on solely as a public cause, if millions of people cannot or will not undertake it as a private cause as well, then [this] is sure the happen. In five years the energy of our present concern will have petered out in a series of public gestures--and no doubt in a series of empty laws--and a great [...] human opportunity will have been lost."

In context he is referring specifically to the environmental movement, but what he says is applicable to recent events and to all movements. My point (and his, I assume) is not to say that we shouldn't revel in the energy and enthusiasm bubbling up at these times. Trust me, I am riled up and ready to hit the streets. The occupations of public space and gatherings of people are great because we suddenly we are not one voice trying to be heard over the roar of political slander and mass media's deluge of distraction, we are the vast majority of people screaming our demands under the slogan of "we are the 99%." And so, in the midst of this, Berry is asking us (the people, the majority), to really examine what are our demands, and who are we demanding them from? Are we demanding them from the 1%, or from the 99%? Or are we really asking for major changes from 100%, from everyone?

Berry says "A man who is willing to undertake the discipline and the difficulty of mending his own ways is worth more to the [...] movement than a hundred who are insisting merely that the government and the industries mend their ways." If 99% of people made this thing their own personal private cause too, by asserting some autonomy from the present system by thinking up and creating alternatives, wouldn't that be revolutionary in itself?

Am I being idealistic? Or is this the way forward?

Possibly, both. In her article, Donella Meadows, a prominent systems thinker and a huge influence of mine, tells of her Envisioning Workshops in which she asks people to describe "not the world they thought they could achieve, or the world they were willing to settle for, but the world they truly wanted."

This exercise is totally idealistic. And it is idealistic to ask that the 99% to be the ones making the changes when the major destruction and oppression is happening seemingly so far out of our reach. It is idealistic because we are asking people--we are asking ourselves--to live up to our own ideals. But this is important, because it is our ideals that move us to the action of creating what we desire and believe in. As Meadows wrote: 

"Vision is the most vital step in the policy process. If we don’t know where we want to go,  it makes little difference that we make great progress. [...] Even if information, models, and implementation could be perfect in every way, how far can they guide us, if we know what direction we want to move away from but not what direction we want to go toward? There may be motivation in escaping doom, but there is even more in creating a better world."

So what are our ideal visions for this world? How can we begin creating them through the present movement? What desires and demands do we have for our government, and what desires and demands do we have for ourselves. How to keep that balance of living within a system that oppresses us in order to change it, and living without it in order to live up to our highest ideals.

darkness engulf me now and pull me down into me and cold seep through my clothes and skin and weather wither me into the leaves and hold me hold me mystery with your deep rich color of decay and grey my skin so i blend in with clouds or snow or the crashing waves and save me from the sun that bakes me into sleep and wakes me into dreams so i rise and rise and fall take it all underneath where spry spring blossoms and steady summer greens go when they are shed to die from this life for some time in the seasonal night

xx

"Say you hoped to
tame something
wild and stayed
calm and inched up
day by day. Or even
not tame it but
meet it halfway.
Things went along.
You made progress,
understanding
it would be a
lengthy process,
sensing changes
in your hair and
nails. So it's
strange when it
attacks: you thought
you had a deal."

-Kay Ryan