I...


[there are so many things to follow right now. Where to start? Or end... as the case may be.]

I think I may stop writing in my blog, indefinitely, for my own purposes.


I feel inadequate, unsure, empty, right now --but mostly only when it comes to this... this being, my attempt at... anything involving talent, originality, or artistry. Maybe that article, which everyone attacked, and I commended, really was bullshit. Maybe I only really liked it because it was what I needed to hear at the time in order to justify my continuously disappointing endeavors as a writer/photographer/whatever. "Everybody is Talented, Original, and has Something to Say." ...great. Whatever misguided sense of optimism I had when I read that and felt good about it, is gone. And if somehow that sentiment is true, then I feel I am the exception.

Sky says I can't self-deprecate. That is one of his rules.
Well, I listened to him for a while, and tried to be strong in my work and have faith in myself. But all of my surroundings (people and their talents and their criticisms of myself and others)broke through and demolished my attempts to feel a greater sense of worth.


When I write in my blog, I relish the idea that I am writing for myself, and I embrace that by expressing whatever I want, however I want. Of course, I have an audience (small, but present) and I am aware of such as I write. But, it doesn’t keep me from expressing MYself on MY blog. And when it comes to reflections for Cultivating Voice, of course I try harder because I want Sandy to enjoy what I write, but I don't feel the need to edit, or rewrite anything I initially say because everything we do is so open-ended. When I am writing for The Pacific Northwest program (for which writing has only been assigned once or twice the quarter) I again feel no need to revise much, or even try much, because I am confident in my ability beyond the level expected of me in that class. And even the more weighted papers I wrote for Legacy... the only reason I got so stressed over them was because of my own expectations of myself when it comes to essay writing (as I was conditioned to be through my AP classes). I never felt overly concerned that my work would be deemed inadequate, and even if it was it would only be the difference between a "needs work," "good," "very good, or "excellent" penned across the top of the page (of which I only ever received the latter two).
What all this adds up to the idea that perhaps my lack of anxiety has possibly led to the unfortunate crippling of my ability to write. Either I must stop being so complacent, or I must stop being so aware of other people --talents, criticism, ect-- (or, I must stop writing).
The purpose behind ending my reliance on this blog, is to begin writing for a new audience. An audience that will force me to use whatever talent/endurance/stubbornness that I have within me, which has at many points allowed me to be proud of what I transferred from thought to paper.

I don't know if I believe that, or this (any of this). I just know that its what I am feeling, was feeling, have felt.
I don't know if I will ever write here again, or if I will write here tomorrow (Or even later tonight). I just know that change is penetrating everything in my life, and certainty seeps from my mind with each passing day.