what i liked about last night... even though i really hated it all... was that i cried harder than i have in a long time. maybe the last time was when I found out Mike died. but I don't remember crying too hard that day... I remember Ariana screaming at me on the phone... she was the one who deserved to cry and scream and it is moments like that where I could be a rock. I cried later.

Last night, i was stone as much as i could be for you. But then I needed to be human too. I wanted to scream. I really wanted to exert more emotion than I had energy for. And I am so glad I ended up at Alicia's. Literally that saved me because I could scream and cry and yell and just say exactly what I needed to say. And she listened and helped so much. And I was amazed by something... how long it had been since we shared so much with each other. She even mentioned how earlier she was thinking of those nights we'd just lay awake and talk til the sun came up. I know Alicia is so close to me for a reason. I've always known that. So when she changed so drastically, so quickly I started losing site of why we were so close in the first place. I thought it was because of how deeply we feel things, and the way we are always seeking to understand more about the world, even if it's through pain. Anyway... this is an example of why these crazy fucked up random ups and downs that have been happening, still feel right. because that moment with Alicia needed to happen. And the night with you needed to happen.

And maybe you do need to step back from all of this...
but Alicia told me one thing last night that I am going to tell you:
"Don't prevent."
She said "I try to live my life such that I doesn't prevent possibility, or the infinite things that might happen. I try to keep down all the barriers that block possibility from occurring."

And why would you block something off if it was something good? Even if we are uncertain about what that something is, or what it means...
why deny it?