there is power surging in the air today.

And yesterday I felt invincible.
Today I feel fragile. Body beaten down with exhaustion and eyes numb from crying.
But I still feel powerful.

Alicia said last night that we always think about what more we CAN do, and rarely think of all that we have done. I do think of what I've done... but I haven't lately. Not until last night. She said "this is what you do to people Alex. You change their lives because you believe you can, and you don't give up on them." She referenced Tony and Matt. I thought of many others.
It might sound conceited. But it isn't. It's just true. Not to say they didn't change my life. Of course they did. Every single person I meet does.

Nygil wrote this today: "You've always been someone i could confide in when i was at my worst, and when i needed help to figure out where i should turn you were always there to offer directions."

And I have changed people's lives who refused that I could ever make a dent. That is powerful.
And everything that is going on right now is really fucking powerful. And overwhelming. But as overwhelmed as I am by school, and you, and everything else I also know its about to get a little bit worse.

Nygil is about to stop by to say goodbye.


How can this all happen so quickly?

Instant shifts like this have only happened to me when there are bigger things going on.
When I was told we were moving to Washington.
When Tony told me it was over.
Those times I have been so completely stunned and in denial about what was happening...
that is how I feel right now.
I literally can't comprehend how instantly things can change... are changing... have changed.

I feel powerless against the force of change. And maybe in some respects I really am. But I also feel like I am empowered. Because I feel so familiar with all of this obscurity.
And not to say that change is wrong. It can be good, and I know it will happen regardless, but I don't just have to succumb to the changes that are being enacted around me.
I know now that have to power to make change too, and I am ready to fight like hell to make things right.