so, one of the best days of my life kinda just turned into one of the worst.


i wish you had seen how i really feel. I wish you had seen me cry.
I sat there, solid, tight grip around my legs, pulling them to my chest.
A rock.
but "I'm not a stone, I'm just a man"

and i knew as soon as you left I would be so lost....
i could have kept you longer. i could have said something. you asked me to tell you how i felt.

But i couldnt. i felt that my feelings shouldnt influence what you felt you had to do.
what i felt though, was that you were wrong.

I was questioning who knew you better...
I felt like I dont know who you are. but that you don't either.
and i felt like this could be good for both of us. i know it was good for me... just today.

ok, today before things got fucked up, I couldnt stop comparing this situation to Garden State. I know... I know I have felt this situation before, and not to discredit those connections or anything, but this one... felt the most connected.

just the fact that in a matter of days our lives could change so drastically because of eachother, and other things, but at the heart of it, because we could see reflections of ourselves in eachother and could finally feel like there was someone who could at least hold the same kind of emotions.

there is so much to say, and it isnt all coming out right, but i can go back and sort it out later.

i am sitting in Alicia's room. listening to the sky cry. its 2:23 am.
last night, this time, i was with you, and whether or not it was a dream (or a moment in time as perfect and fleeting as a dream can be) it was one of the most amazing experiences of my life.

i ended up over at Alicia's because once you left tonight.... I just knew it was all wrong. And the only options were to follow you and somehow convince you to stay up and talk to me. Or go talk to him, which would just result in more unnecessary pain. I could write, but this blog interface wasnt working. And I texted Alicia and she wasnt responding. And I could have gone and laid on the field because i knew i needed to just scream and cry and feel surrounded by something real.
i decided i needed a person though and that i was going to get to Alicia even if it meant stealing Ariel's climbing ropes and somehow climbing up to the fifth story of A and knocking on her window. I just had some people take me up the elevator though. I knocked a couple times. No response. Then i knocked and said her name. i knew she heard me, and she came.
I fell apart right there. and when i regained control of any ability to speak i started telling her that i just cant deal with it all. and then i finally got around to what happened tonight.

and i cried hysterically for a while and she held me and talked me through it.
it was the pain that bothered me the most... just that i was so comfortable with it. how can it even be pain if you are so comfortable with it? but i was... it felt like coming back home, or somewhere really familiar where everything just felt like it always had. and that made it worse. because i dont want to be like that again. i don't want that to be my home. and i don't want it to be yours either. and that is why i don't know what the fuck to do. because i know Garden State is just a movie, but I feel like it has a point... and that it is so parallel to what is happening between us that we should listen to it.

you are trying to be fair to yourself and to me. and i am trying to as well. which is why i sat there instead of breaking down into the oblivion i felt. but then when you were gone, i realized how wrong you were. i don't even know what i think you are wrong about, i just have this pure feeling inside me that this is right in some crazy movie-scripted way. because the way last night fell together and occurred so perfectly... that just doesnt happen. and i know you felt the same. i could feel it. i looked in your eyes all night, and i have never seen anything as amazing as that... just... every time we talk, the more we talk, the more human you are than most people i have ever met. and the better you are the more you just open yourself to how you really feel.

that is scary and its hard and it might fucking hurt
but goddamnit.... i think you are wrong. i think you need this. and i think for once in your life you need to go with what YOU want and need.
and if thats what you are really honestly doing then fine. but right now, im not convinced. seriously im not. you took your mask off for me, and i know how you put it on. you can't just hide anymore. you have to... try something new.


Sam: "You don't realize, this is good, this doesn't happen often in your life. We can work this stuff out. I want to help you, you know? We need each other..."
Andrew: "This isn't a conversation about this being over, it's, it's... I'm not, like, putting a period at the end of this, you know, I'm putting, like, an ellipsis on it, cause I'm- I'm- I'm worried that if I don't figure myself out, if I don't go like land on my own two feet, then I'm just gonna to mess this whole thing up, and this is too important. I gotta go... you changed my life in four days. This is the beginning of something really big. But right now, I gotta go."


Andrew (later): "Yeah, the ellipsis, it's dumb. It's dumb. It's an awful idea. I'm not gonna do it, okay? Cause like you said, this is it. This is life. And I'm in love with you... I think that's the only thing I've ever really been sure of in my entire life. And I'm really messed up right now, and I got a whole lot of stuff I have to work out, but I don't want to waste any more of my life without you in it. And I think I can do this. I mean, I want to. I have to, right?"

fuck, you know? like... maybe that isnt exactly our situation, but it is close right?

you are feeling things you havent felt, stronger than youve ever felt.
that says something.

or maybe im just an idiot, and i place too much stock in what i feel...
but... you have to know how i feel. and so im gonna fight for this.
tomorrow though.

tonight, i will finally sleep.