ok, ok. lets cut the bullshit.
i miss matt.
i miss josh.
i miss home. kitties doggies parents siblings (but honestly i rarely think about home... how much i miss it. i think about mom alot and becca. but i havent thought of the animals in i dont even know how long.)

my room was great until the nightmares happened. especially the one set in my room. and then theres the memories of having people in here with me. when im alone... no matter how many pictures and decorations i have... it still feels cool and unwelcoming.

im tired. obviously.
my sleep schedule is off again which i am pissed about. but i seriously need a couple hours of relaxation everyday... and then i always end up taking to much. like tonight. and thats how my work builds up. because i have weekends like this one, where there are suddenly like three different guys giving me all these weird messages. and its up and down, up and down. and i don't have time to help other people, which makes me feel like a bad friend.
and everything i am learning is just making it harder and harder for me to function in this world.

i'm breaking out like crazy. maybe its cause i am drinking 2 percent milk again with my cereal for breakfast every other day. thats what ariel suggested.

i'm frusterated with the weakness of my voice lately. i don't have the backbone to say the things i mean, and when i do i dont convey it right and i get criticized. and if i dont then someone else says what i should have said.

i always forget something i am supposed to do during a WC session, and they never go long enough, and i am doubting my abilities as a tutor. i don't want to bring anything negitive to the WC.

at the end of the day, even if i don't have a break, it'd be nice to come back and read with someone. itd be nice to lay my head in a lap, or on a shoulder. and its unfortunate that i feel so needy in that way. its hard to tell genuine feelings from pure loneliness.

i don't know how to interpret different interactions with me on different days. like... Eric... sometimes he's super nice (well... in the past day or so), and sometimes he's a dick.


im bitter about myself. im bitter about other people.
its fucking 2am.
time is speeding again tonight.
so much for keeping up with my reading so far this week.