i am remembering my responsibilities. my bigger responsibilities. the one's that push me down into myself. into a hole.
I don't think i am going to let that happen. I'm sure gonna try to fight it, because I can't really afford to be so introspective. not that being that way would even help me fulfill my responsibilities anyway. no, i need to stay awake. and i need to be in action. i can't be paralyzed by the overwhelmingness of everything. i have to be stronger than that.
stronger. always stronger.
just like every day that i run, i run farther. and faster.
today i feel excited. not so stoked for the paper i have to write. but i feel like something good is about to begin.
maybe im a little anxious, but not like i felt all weekend, when everything was suddenly thrown at me from all different directions.
anyway. i have to write this paper on this amazing book Manifestos on the Future of Food and Seed. Its been a while since a book has been such a call to action for me. but this book is so eyeopening and real that it made me just want to shift so many aspects of my life.
i feel like... people are so ignorant. what i think about most is people in my family, because that is what i know the most. not to say that we are ignorant people... but our lifestyle, conscious as it may be, is so much part of the problem. the great thing is though, when we are dealing with my immediate family i know they will at least listen to the call, and likely make some change in response. when we go out to my extended family (well, my mom's side, cause that's all i really know) they are much less susceptible to understanding the actual problems of this world.
all i know is when i went to see Aunt Kathy's new house, i wasnt really impressed. i mean, the coolest part of it was the goats, and the property. but the house itself was... nothing special. and not just aesthetically. but what really bothered me was this whole idea that they have all this land, and this huge house and its "off the grid" so its "environmentally friendly" (not that they probably really care), and it just felt like... it was all done for the wrong reasons. yea it was their dream fulfilled and maybe is a better idea than living in a housing development, but i really wish they wouldnt pretend to me that they are such great people just because of certain choices they make about the way to energize thier lives. i mean they bought this 100+ acres of land for god knows how much...
i'm rambling. i have a point i just can't seem to make it using this example.
i know there is a possibility that Aunt Kathy even reads this blog... and thats fine. I don't mean to be rude, or assume i know things that i don't. this is just the feeling i got when i was there.
I just know that this is how so many people think, even me, and we all have to break this paradigm. it can't be about us individually. it has to be about us as a whole. which is why running away from society, just because I hate it isnt gonna make a goddamned difference.
but the thing is, i don't hate humanity. i hate our culture of ignorance. i hate that we can sit back and read Brave New World, and 1984 and not realize that they are comments on the present. not some fictional future that might happen at this rate. no, it is today that we are force fed soma pills that keep us subdued under a false reality of happiness.
i feel like i am really putting myself out on the chopping block for some criticism. maybe im an idiot. maybe i have no fucking clue what i am talking about. except that i do. maybe i just have yet to "impose order on the chaos of my mind" enough so that i can actually portray a clear thought through the use of my language.
anyway. this whole rant started because of Manifestos. And I think i am going to have my mom read it at the very least. I don't think Nathan would really take much stock in it or anything I had to say. If I were to have Becca read a book, it would either be The Poisonwood Bible, or Priveledge Power and Difference. Or both. Though we would have to have conversations about them probably to portray the point I really want to get across.
Maybe that would be really cruel... trying to shatter a paradigm. But if its ignorance than isnt it kinda my responsibility to say something?
I donno. I have so much more ranting to do. I don't really want people to comment and be like "you're wrong because blah blah blah" but have at it if you must. Maybe that is your duty that you need to fulfil today. who the fuck knows.
i don't pretend to know anything. im just bouncing stupid ideas off this stupid computer screen to try to find some answers.
all in all though. im in a good mood today. you wouldnt know it by my thoughts or how i look or even how i feel, but i'm just choosing to ignore the side of me that wants to pull me down into an utter chaotic wreck. i need some stability, and if that means being ignorant to something, its going to be something that only has to do with me.
"Time for the final bow.
Rows of deserted houses,
All our stable mates highway bound.
Give us our measly sum.
Getting the air inside my lungs is heavenly.
Starting out with nothing but crippling doubt.
We'll rest easy, justified.
Suffered a swift defeat, i'll endure countless repeats.
The gift of memory is an awful curse.
With age it just gets much worse, but i won't mind
I won't mind
I won't mind
I won't mind"
Oh Death Cab, you are timeless to me.
(timeless, which is a song in hairspray, sung by christopher walken, who reminds me of your accents last night, and reminds me why my smile is beating out all the pressure inside.)
I'm gonna go run. I need to think and exert some energy before I can even approach this paper.
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"Each Day" Blog by Alexandria Chana Eisenberg is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
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5 comments:
Being responsible isn't just about what we do, it is also about the spirit within which we do it. We need the right truth but also the right energy. Nothing counts for much, no matter how right or orthodox the action, if it doesn't issue from love and gratitude. In the words of T.S. Eliot, "The last temptation that's the greatest treason is to do the right thing for the wrong reason."
I would love to read that book . . . mom
if that is the case, that is exactly why i wasnt impressed by their actions of building the house. it was more about them than anything else.
but i donno if i fully agree with that quote anyway. who knows what motives are wrong or right? all i know is that i'm not trying to get revenge on anyone (i donno how I would, or how that is applicable, but its an example of perhaps a "wrong" reason to do something). i am trying to help people realize the hypocrisy of our day to day actions, and how slowly, these choices are killing us and everyone else. that's a good enough reason for me.
what ignorance in my life do you think you need to say something about... or what paradigm are you referring to? are you talking about environmental stuff? -bec
Kant's Groundwork for the Metaphysics of Morals argues that all humans possess the rational capabilities to determine moral and immoral actions, and so i really think that you're stuck on the wrong question. i think the question you should be asking is one deals more with which path would lead to the most good over the longest period, and whose values are most important in what circumstances. it also sounds like you're dealing with a teleological suspension of the end: if the final outcome is good then what does the path there matter?
becca, you'd have to read the books.
nygil, i don't know if you are talking to me or my mom. if me, then i either don't get what you are saying or don't think it is relevant how i understand it.
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