had to say goodbye to Ben this morning...
ugh.


Anyway, I am staying at the Hilton in Miami.
Culture shock anyone?!?
Last night Ben and I ordered pizza(!!!!) and ordered Alice in Wonderland from the hotel. That was nice.

Today I am very... shaken. or, i was this morning. once I dropped Ben off at the airport I took the shuttle back to the hotel and I just wanted to cry... very hard.

Everything was different. I was really physically alone for the first time in months... In a different state than anyone I knew, in a different country then I have been (and than I want to be) and I couldnt even recognize myself in the mirror for some reason...

I turned on the TV and watched some of the World Cup. I flipped between that and the MTV Movie Awards (from sometime this year, though I have no idea when). On that there was a clip for Eclipse. Then I remembered i still have about 5% (Kindle) left in the book. I read a bunch on one of the planes yesterday. I was sobbing... on the plane. haha. Ben was really concerned about me (my mental health I think more than anything).

Anyway, so I watched the Movie Awards. It was very... shocking. I havent heard that much cussing, or seen that much or people's bodies, or heard such vulger lyrics accompianied by extremely sexual dancing, for months as well. It was just like... "oh yea... this exists in the world."


anyway, i was just really emotional about everything that is going on right now. i mean... things are so different in what I am doing and seeing. the way my mind is working. the way i look. the way i feel. who i am with (or not). what i am about to do. the place i am staying. the state of friendships. i am just... baffled by it all.
not all in a bad (or good) way. just...
fuck
im overwhelmed. i am... terrified and sad and excited and angry and happy(er) and lonesome and jealous and trying to remember to live by the things i know and have learned.

i feel calmer. more confident. i feel like i dont need people as much anymore. i feel like i dont need much anymore.
and at the same time, i feel vulnerable. and weak. and lost.

argrg

i am at an internet place. I was walking around trying to find a way to the climbing gym but then i got caught in a storm. the only place i could go into was a pizza place so i went and ate. then i realized i was too far away to the gym to get to it without paying like $30 for a cab. so i was walking back to the hostel and found this place.
but ive been here for an hour and its like $4 an hour (which seems really expensive compared to what i am use to right now) so i am gonna go.

there are a bunch of movies at the hotel i could order and enjoy watching. and there arent very many places to walk to, but i think i will keep exploring.

i hope i find something fun to do for the rest of this weird day...

see my family tomorrow, which is... too good for words.