I left home... I remember knowing it was possible that Cinder would die while I was gone, but I didn't believe it in my heart. Until today, I dont know if I really believed that she had.

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This morning I woke up in a tent. I was getting ready, late, because no one seemed to realize that I had no clue what time to get up. I could hear people outside bitching about people not cleaning their dishes from the night before. The way we are supposed to clean dishes is nasty, but I understood the purpose and had done mine anyway. I was pulling my pants on in the tent and thinking how much better I was doing at the "here and now" thing (pretty much camp philosophy and how i have been trying to live my life... trying not to always be waiting for the next thing, but enjoying what i am doing at present). Right as I was smiling to myself about how I might actually enjoy this month rather than feel anxious through it (or actually physically running away, as I had seriously considered the first night), someone started violently shaking my tent and yelled at me to wake up. I said "Im up already" and it was Mike who replied saying "obviously not! youre still in your tent!" not only is it one of my pet peeves to be bothered about doing something while im already in the process of doing it, but the way he said it, and the way he expected ME to know anything about anything i am supposed to be doing at this camp just pissed me off.

whatever. "im stuck here, so i need to enjoy it." i thought. i mean... its not that it isnt an enjoyable place, but i guess these past few days i just felt drawn to being home. its understandable, because it has been a while, but this is the lifestyle i wanted, right?

well they gave us a lecture during/after we ate breakfast. i pretty much just zoned out. i had listened last night, and enjoyed last night, but morning isnt my best time anyway. last night there were hundreds of fireflys in the woods (maybe the most magical thing ive ever seen). and a big bright moon in the sky. and a creek trickling nearby. and a warm campfire that i helped build.

we went back to camp. i showered (in a warm shower), and in the bathroom I was looking around and trying to convince myself that this was going to be part of my home for the next month, and this is going to be part of my routine. i was desperately trying to have a good attitude about it, and maybe slightly succeeding, but knowing that it was going to take a while to accept.

on the way back to my cabin i hear someone say "she's not in there." for some reason i knew the voice was talking about me, and when she saw me she turned back around and said "shes right here." i enjoy moments like that.

as i rounded the corner I saw Josh and he said "We've got some things to do today. We're going to Charleston, starting as soon as you are ready to go." Oh, at that point I probably couldnt have heard better words. Not only was I going to get to miss the CPR course, but I was going to get to have cell service to call my mom, maybe get online, pick up some of the things I need. I marveled at the strings he must have pulled to get me out of work today but explanation was not needed for enthusiasm. I through my stuff together and met Josh at the car. As I walked passed the PAC Desi smiled politely at me and wished me a good time. We drove the scenic route, through Fayetteville where there is AMAAZZZING climbing that he said he would take me too if I came back to visit sometime. Other than that, I slept most of the way.

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I must have been really tired from our hike yesterday. I had hiked with Amber and Kiona on North Laurel Fork. At one point we didnt know which way to go, and we much later found out that we had picked the wrong way. But had we not chosen that way we never would have found Fork. We named the dog Fork because he was a boy, and Laurel was too girly. He was a bear tracking dog which we knew from his collar, but he was severely malnourished. He followed us... for miles and miles. I gave him food eventually. and kept giving him food, and trying to feed him water out of my hands. He walked strangely. He looked like he hadnt been feed for a week or more. He just followed us. He let us pet him. He was a good dog, and I knew I would never be able to leave him behind because his collar seemed not to be transmitting a signal (though I would never know for sure). When we finally got to the pick up point, we took a vote with the other group about whether or not to take him and try to contact his owner. I volunteered to take the blame if we got in trouble because I could give a shit less at this point if people thought my protectiveness of animals was overdone (besides, if Andy was really mad, he would just fire me, and then I wouldnt have a choice about whether or not to stay --which i was and still am debating heavily).

Madeline (who i KNEW i would like) refused to leave without him when others had doubts, and picked Fork up and put him in the back of the Yukon. After a mile or two he got comfortable. After about 10 miles, and after we had picked up the last of the hikers, we passed a small town and Fork started whining and staring out the back window. We pulled over and opened the back and he bolted out and started running back the way we had come. We assumed he then knew where home was, and let it go. I hope he's okay.

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Anyway.. So Josh and I went and he got ready at his house for the wedding he is playing tonight. Then he dropped me off at the office and I called my mom. My dad picked up, and my mom immediately after. They told me that had bad news about Peekaboo...

So now, I am left here, in this office, alone. in this town/state/region, alone. knowing that i am going to be miserable at camp, and knowing that whether i go home now, or in 4 weeks, i am going to be miserable there.

timing is really fucking something. you know, when you make these big plans you dont know what you are really committing yourself to, and so you have to be ready for whatever. but even if you know the possibility of something exists, you are never prepared for it. and even if something seems impossible to occur, it CAN occur, and you knew it... and you probably just denied it to yourself.

I remember watching that garage door shut, and seeing them for the last time, and maybe some tiny part of me felt like it might be the last time, but most of me believed otherwise.

this fucking computer is dying...

like everything else.