i need to be here because these are things i don't want to miss out on. these are good things, that i cant get anywhere else.

i wish i had just gone home. i wish i didn't know what i would be missing here. i feel like i messed up horribly by missing the end of Peekaboo's life. i dont know if this feels worse because i had time to have gone home briefly before camp (and even if i didnt know she was going to die i would have at least gotten to see her again), or because this is the second time this has happened since ive been gone.

i just dont want to be here alone, but thats how i feel, despite being surrounded by wonderful people, doing amazing things. i feel wrong about it. i feel like so much of my heart is somewhere else right now. but then i just feel weak if i give up-- Peru got easier, this will too. but it almost physically hurts my brain to think that im not going to be home for a month.

i wish i was stronger and i keep telling myself that i can get through this if i just suck it up and do it. and i have been trying as hard as i can try to allow this to be the good experience it should be. but i feel like hell; like ive been swimming upstream constantly...

i dont even know how home could be better, except that maybe i would be able to grieve, and relax, and let myself feel whatever it is that i feel. and i would be with people who feel my pain and understand that i have been through a lot these past three months and that i just need a break. but i am the only one who can give myself that break, and i just dont want to. i dont want to feel weak again. i dont want to give up like i always use to. its just a month. 4 weeks. thats all. why does it feel so long? its 4 weeks of experience that i can never get back if i leave. thats what my brain is telling me, but... for some reason i feel like this is going to damage me severely, but logically, and from what everyone is telling me about camp, it will make me better to stay, and it will help me heal. i swear i am trying desperately to give it that chance.