"i feel walled-in. i pretend to know why, but i dont respond. i try. i am working inside to change myself, to feel more free. it must just been a state of thought... a state of mind. (i wish i could write what we talked about without feeling like an idiot. its so damn difficult for me to fee confident in saying what i have to say. i feel like everything i know is so rudimentary. and like its all something someone told me, and i dont know what to believe anymore.

im exhausted of being the person ive been being. i want to feel curious, energetic, alive, bold, joyful, fearless, daring, happy, interested, caring, loving, and on and on. i want to feel free. but i am terrified of freedom. i am scared of certainty and i am scared of uncertainty. i am terrified to explore new ways of being, but can't continue on like this. my thought process is that it might be better not to go to camp so i can dedicate energy to this self-discovery that desperately needs to happen. then i think "oh, maybe going to camp will remind me of things i'd forgotton about myself." maybe. maybe. but maybe i am just hiding in what is "safer" and "known." although i know there are parts of it that i genuinely dont want to go without, and there are people there i want to spend time with, and things there i want to do. but also parts that feel like a waste and parts that feel selfish, and parts that feel dreadful.

i want to feel strong but i dont.
i am terrified of changing. there are so many ways to be, and im afraid to choose. im afraid of not being able to go back. im afraid of not making the right choice. im afraid of regret. im afraid of the truth. im afraid of myself. im afraid of everyone else.
im afraid of time...not having enough. of having enough and wasting it. im afraid of what ie already lost. not just time but truth, reality, visions, values, pieces of myself. im afraid to lose more. to give more. i am afraid of my power... how much i have and the fact that i will never be able to give it all.
im afraid that i will never be able to do enough.
im afraid that i will get comfortable. im afraid of discomfort. im afraid of pain. im afraid of being numb to other people's pain. im afraid i'll forget or be forgotten. im afraid i'll never be loved the way i love or the way i want to be loved. im afraid of meaninglessness. im afraid of placing meaning on something that only i care about.

im afraid of the dark. of zombies. of corruption, anger, sadness, pain, loss, solitude, groups, being wrong, being right, interactions, comparisons, criticism, betrayal, change, stagnation, death, love.
i wonder if i will survive.
but of course i will....
what of all of this could end me before my time (unless i let it)?
but if i am so strong, as to be able to face these things then i will surely have to face them all, an that is daunting.
knowing this though, how do i let go of the uncertainty of everything? how do i enjoy while waiting to be sprung upon by my fears? (the same way i fall asleep each night, gladly, even facing the eminence of my frequent nightmares... thy are all adventures anyway and they are at the least good stories). i will practice now. i will embrace this ending and embrace the blank pages ahead, which will fill with questions, ideas, answers, and probably more lists of fears."