because

because 

because

well, the why doesn't matter, but i'm not

even though i'm angry. scared. excited. totally ready to fight. to do something. 

i'm here, at a desk, waiting. it's something about allegiance. not to the school, not to a large system, not to a country. just to the people around me... the people who are may be suffering trauma about writing or just want to talk to someone about it. that's why i'm here, i think, i hope, i guess. 

and... i'm afraid. because i'm so angry. what will i do with my anger? i'm surging so full so hot i just wanna fight. i wanna fight all the manipulation legislation of our government taking away our rights taking away our freedom and the military guns pointed prepared to pull the trigger on their own people. [and aren't all people our own?]

the image came back to me today... after going underground, going backwards into time into brick-museum-concentration-camp, seeing the model, seeing the design of human slaughter. hearing the pained voices of survivors. seeing a person shot on the screen. the first person i've ever seen die, a recording but...
i remember sobbing on the steps at the capitol, right in the heat, right in the center. where sweat and tears and humid air all run together and create loud stifling heat and no one can even hear me crying and no one stops to help, except pink peta people who bring me a bottle of water and across the street display images of animals in cages being tortured and killed in cages more manufactured slaughter of souls that don't matter as much as our cravings for meat and power and power, just like the jews were and we don't care. how can people be so cruel? 

we just let it happen, and again, and again

to the animals the earth to ourselves our own liberty and justice for everyone except prisoners on Guantanamo bay, except the soil, except anything we want to exploit, except those that can't defend themselves, except people in poverty, except people who want change and who will protest and who will be arrested, citizenry revoked, detained and disappeared no trial -- because they can do that now.

they they they they

we

allowed this. 

but we are powerless against it,
or?

except...

except if we don't allow it to pervade our hearts, if we love more, if we love better, if we protect each other and protect what we love. and...

but

and

but 

if i say "revolt" or anything too loudly they can silence me forever.
so i don't know what to say, but i have so much of it in me building and burning me up.

my blood says go, get out of your chair!
fuck the computer screen
stand up
stand up to brutality pepper-spraying non-violent "occupation" of already-occupied "public-space" police
stand in front of bulldozer in Gaza and die
stand in middle of church and scream
"we are all guilty of murder"
join underground militia
start alternative community
get out of system fight system inside outside
no side to be on because no side wins if we have to destroy each other or ourselves to do it,
ask the suicidal soldiers
and the broke-down lovers and the mothers.
but we have to fight
something because everything
is crashing crushing hushing us and keeping us shut up
in ourselves in our cells and our cells distort
into cancerous carnivores consuming the other and the self.
my blood says go
there is so much to be done.
stand up.



and my heart says slow
calm
myself
and you
and everyone.
no need to say everything
just say something with everything you have.

my body knows--
it pumps my violent racing blood straight back to the burning center
where it combusts into love
and i am powerful
angry
simmering
sick, sad
and scared
but so so so
something else something new
something more alive
and more free
and more me
and
but
and
but
and

i feel a lot better.