So... basically... I LOVE the Writing Center. I can just tell it is going to be such a pivotal part of my life. I left today practically skipping. Our discussion almost brought some of us to tears. God, I have never seen people so passionate about their work. Its really like a little slice of heaven, of what more of life should be like.

While I was walking back I thought of a quote that Caitlin has had on her myspace for so long. Its from American Beauty. I don't think I ever really appreciated that movie fully until I watched it with Alex Olsen and Dana and Emily on that night we stayed at Alex's dad's house in Seattle (after the chip tune party, or whatever). I mean, I liked the movie when I was younger, but then it got really disturbing to me, and so I started refusing to watch it. Anyway, that's a tangent. The quote is at the beginning or the end... I can't remember which, but it's when Lester says:

"It's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world."

I will post the rest of the quote later, but this is the part I thought about. I thought: I finally feel that way... except I immediately changed my mind. I don't feel that way. I am still mad... furious. And I think I always will be. What has changed though, is the way I am learning how to deal with it, or better, what to do with it.
And that brings me to a quote I guess I've always found very powerful. "Your anger is a gift." I can't remember who said it originally, but Nygil use to say it a lot. Anyway, I've always understood that quote, but I think maybe (ironically) I was too angry at the quote and how it never told me how to utilize my anger in order to find the gift. Well, its obviously simpler than that. The gift is the meaning that anger brings to your life.

That's why I refuse to say I am not mad. Of course there is so much beauty in the world, and I want to embrace it, and not taint it with my anger. But there's the rub: The beauty wouldn't be so beautiful without the filth, and the filth is what makes me so mad.

For this reason I can't understand (or even rightly stand) a paradigm that wants to ignore reality.

I guess, in so many words, what I am trying to describe is the fact that I can find solace in my discontent, knowing that I will always have something to fight for.

I am deciding against posting the rest of that quote. It's irrelevant now.
I have something else to say though, and luckily my stream of consciousness has led me to a nice transitional point.


So Em sent me a link to this site about terrible crafts and there is the horrible article about Twilight crafts that people have made. So fucking funny. But anyway, someone made these shoes with Jake's face on them, and there's a quote on the other side:
"Until your heart stops beating, I'll be here fighting."
Obviously a spoiler from the third book, but I didn't really give a shit. I asked Ariel and she said it was a quote by Jake from Eclipse, and preceded to tell me I will cry uncontrollably when I read it. (I'm almost in tears just thinking about what might happen). The quote practically slayed me to the point where I am going out to buy Eclipse today if I get my paper done.
I can't stand it anymore.
And here's a disclaimer for you, just so you can't say I didn't warn you...
when I see New Moon in theaters, it is a highly likely possibility that I will be either kicked out, or physically removed and taken to a hospital. I fucking swear, I don't think I will be able to handle it. And I honestly don't give a shit how pathetic that sounds. What can I say? I have a deep emotional connection to the story going on in those books.
And after I see it, I am gonna wanna see it many many times... so if you want to get me a birthday present, just bring me to that movie again. That's all I want.

Anywho...
I have tons of work to do.
Dana is coming tomorrow evening and I'm stoked for that.
But I need to write a paper, read a book, do Spanish homework, catch up on some other stuff for Andean Roots, start another book, start my integration paper, start packing for the retreat.
BAHH!

We watched 3 episodes of Heroes last night. And Tyler and Ariel want more, so I wanna do that too. And I want to maybe see a movie tonight. Alicia is gone this weekend.

Oh, dream last night.
Godzilla, and some like post apocalyptic, pre-apocalyptic world. It kept jumping. I have no fucking clue what was going on. I just lived in this tall apartment building (which eventually turned into the Space Needle) with my family and all the people from school lived there too. Anyway, we all got out of the building and I went back up to grab some stuff. I literally went through all my stuff (and it was stuff I have/had in real life that I don't think I would have consciously remembered while I was awake). I literally went through all of it, and considered my emotional attachment to it, knowing this building was going to be destroyed. I grabbed Timber, and my external hard drive, and some pictures, my journals, my poetry books, stuff that was irreplaceable and particular to me. But I was mad at myself for grabbing so much, and wishing I didn't have a chance so I could just be rid of it all. Eventually, the monster got close (it was a long time coming because we heard him from far away. He was huge. Bigger than any building. Our building got destroyed, and I can't remember if I was in it or not. I just remember hoping and hoping that this was just a dream, and feeling like... nope, for once, this is actually what is happening, so deal with it.
Finally I woke myself up, out of panic.
The strange thing that I have recently been noticing about my dreams... is that there are also like two story lines happening at the same time. Like.. the one I "make" happen, and the one that is "meant" to happen. And they both occur simultaneously. I wish I could explain it better. I SO wish I could portray dreams, and the feeling in them more clearly because some of my dreams could be damn good movies/novels/short stories.
I feel like they would definitely be portrayed the best on film, just because that is how they run in my mind. Apparently that isn't how it is for all people. Alicia was telling me that she usually just dreams in audio and shapes and color. So different.

I still want to figure out why I can remember my dreams better when I'm either in my bed at home, or at school. I hardly remembered any from camp. I'd wake up completely clean. I can't even nap on the field for an hour with having some strange concoction form in my mind.

Oh, and watching Heroes reminds me of some of the dreams I had the first time I watched it.
http://jinxx553.blogspot.com/2008/09/my-power.html
http://jinxx553.blogspot.com/2008/08/dreams-in-past-week.html

wow... dreams have been such an enormous part of my life.
in another post I quoted Heart of Darkness:

"...because no relation of a dream can convey the dream sensation, that commingling of absurdity, surprise and bewilderment in a tremor of struggling revolt, that notion of being captured by the incredible which is of the very essence of dreams."



Now, to get on that essay.
It will be easy if I tell myself that, and stop fucking complaining.
Easy easy easy.
(To do an essay on Friday afternoon??? ...Hahahahahaha.)
Wish me luck.