"i feel walled-in. i pretend to know why, but i dont respond. i try. i am working inside to change myself, to feel more free. it must just been a state of thought... a state of mind. (i wish i could write what we talked about without feeling like an idiot. its so damn difficult for me to fee confident in saying what i have to say. i feel like everything i know is so rudimentary. and like its all something someone told me, and i dont know what to believe anymore.
im exhausted of being the person ive been being. i want to feel curious, energetic, alive, bold, joyful, fearless, daring, happy, interested, caring, loving, and on and on. i want to feel free. but i am terrified of freedom. i am scared of certainty and i am scared of uncertainty. i am terrified to explore new ways of being, but can't continue on like this. my thought process is that it might be better not to go to camp so i can dedicate energy to this self-discovery that desperately needs to happen. then i think "oh, maybe going to camp will remind me of things i'd forgotton about myself." maybe. maybe. but maybe i am just hiding in what is "safer" and "known." although i know there are parts of it that i genuinely dont want to go without, and there are people there i want to spend time with, and things there i want to do. but also parts that feel like a waste and parts that feel selfish, and parts that feel dreadful.
i want to feel strong but i dont.
i am terrified of changing. there are so many ways to be, and im afraid to choose. im afraid of not being able to go back. im afraid of not making the right choice. im afraid of regret. im afraid of the truth. im afraid of myself. im afraid of everyone else.
im afraid of time...not having enough. of having enough and wasting it. im afraid of what ie already lost. not just time but truth, reality, visions, values, pieces of myself. im afraid to lose more. to give more. i am afraid of my power... how much i have and the fact that i will never be able to give it all.
im afraid that i will never be able to do enough.
im afraid that i will get comfortable. im afraid of discomfort. im afraid of pain. im afraid of being numb to other people's pain. im afraid i'll forget or be forgotten. im afraid i'll never be loved the way i love or the way i want to be loved. im afraid of meaninglessness. im afraid of placing meaning on something that only i care about.
im afraid of the dark. of zombies. of corruption, anger, sadness, pain, loss, solitude, groups, being wrong, being right, interactions, comparisons, criticism, betrayal, change, stagnation, death, love.
i wonder if i will survive.
but of course i will....
what of all of this could end me before my time (unless i let it)?
but if i am so strong, as to be able to face these things then i will surely have to face them all, an that is daunting.
knowing this though, how do i let go of the uncertainty of everything? how do i enjoy while waiting to be sprung upon by my fears? (the same way i fall asleep each night, gladly, even facing the eminence of my frequent nightmares... thy are all adventures anyway and they are at the least good stories). i will practice now. i will embrace this ending and embrace the blank pages ahead, which will fill with questions, ideas, answers, and probably more lists of fears."
that i can grow wings if i want to fly.
"To me it is clear that the way of life encouraged and imposed on people by the dominant institutions of our society (eg public schooling, media and advertising, the extractive capitalist economy) is in many vitally important ways contrary to our natures and our abilities to mature. We are conditioned to develop into parts of the technocratic machine that is the dominant, globalizing capitalist society, a society that professes to stand above nature, to have transcended nature and its messiness and beastliness. But to me this sense of dichotomous superiority is simply hubris, alienation, and unexamined pain. This is not to say that humanity is not a distinct form of life in nature, or that it doesn’t have some unique set of qualities, but that these very qualities can only find genuine expression if they are voiced form the ancestral home, the ground, the context of nature. To me, being whole must mean being an integral part of creation itself, that which has sprung from source: the earth, and further back, the unimaginable mystery of the cosmic womb of the universe. It is all continuous; there is no dichotomous break between the human and all else, except that which we perceive." -Cam
I finished my climbing project!
I smashed the tip! I got the ear! I climbed the V5! and it was awesome!
and on Tuesday, I gave a good presentation in Spanish, which was also a huge accomplishment for me.
and yesterday I danced harder than I ever have in my life, probably.
I smashed the tip! I got the ear! I climbed the V5! and it was awesome!
and on Tuesday, I gave a good presentation in Spanish, which was also a huge accomplishment for me.
and yesterday I danced harder than I ever have in my life, probably.
was full! (im hyper and sleep-deprived and have recently made a commitment to myself to stop taking myself so seriously--ya know, sometimes--and to be more of the goofball i am. so this could be interesante. let the ridiculosity begin! )
yesterday:
blah morning (except the sunny-crispness of the day)
yesterday:
blah morning (except the sunny-crispness of the day)
Went to the GIS lab to work on my map which was enjoyable enough, minus being inside. It got me super-stoked about valley farms/living in the valley and taking this project from theoretical to reality. Faarms, yea!
Went to work/(my job is awesome) and I met with a writer who I have a weekly appointment with at the center, which i love because she cares a lot, and is such a sweetheart. Then Curriculum Club with an awesome group of Cultivating Voice lovers.
Went to work/(my job is awesome) and I met with a writer who I have a weekly appointment with at the center, which i love because she cares a lot, and is such a sweetheart. Then Curriculum Club with an awesome group of Cultivating Voice lovers.
Woah. Then I skipped out for an hour and went to the Academic Fair -- my last one ever :(
(until i am a teacher at Evergreen that is)
Anywho, met some dope folks who are faculty and teaching sweet and current stuff. but now i can't decided between about 500 class. so that's good.
I went to one table about the Lights Out class and that teacher is awesome, and he basically said "I won't be teaching the class from the front of the room... all our learning is going to be collaborative and experimental. oh, and all our work might fail."
OKAY. sounds good...
then at another table I was transported into an alternative universe (one with a dark, artsy, New York feel) talking to this visiting faculty guy and his friend (who are twins in secret i think). their Academic Adviser-friend came over to chat about whatever, and looked at my list of classes and she was like "take this and this" (Senior Seminar and Lights Out). Artsy New York guy was like "whats that?" and she was like "its basically about how to survive the fucking apocalypse!" and in my head I thanked jesus and was like "bah! i love Evergreen!"
then i talked to people at other tables... like for the class i've been tryin to take for 4 years, and kinda sorta maybe lost interest in it, but i dunno. and also a class Civic Intelligence and Collective Action. Sounds bomb. its gonna be about Occupy and Co-ops (as far as I'm concerned at the moment, in this mindset). Those faculty had a lot to say and just kept talking even though I was due to be back in the center, so when i broke free i ran from the CRC to upper campus and made it just in time for my appointment. did my thang, left the center, and booked it back to the CRC for an hour of climbing, which turned into an hour and a half cause it was... epic.
first of all, when i got there Ty said he had a present for me. it was a card which said "May the odds be ever in your favor" and inside it was was a brass/bronze? replica of the Mockingjay pin from Hunger Games... WHAT? I flipped out and kinda jumped all over the place and then was pumped to climb. They named Eric's V5 (aka my project of three weeks that I bousta finish) "Smashing Tip" to... uhh... taunt/motivate me and make me laugh i guess. I the next couple moves on it which i'd been struggling with. yea, it felt amazing.
finally i pulled myself away from climbing to go downstairs to the Evergreen Dance Coop freewave. basically it was just a giant PENDULUM DANCE PARTY YO. and i was totally high from it afterwards so i went to look at the moon and wait for Cam.
the moon and the trees scene was like my vision i had when i was crying the other night from my breakdown. it was superbonita and cool.
(until i am a teacher at Evergreen that is)
Anywho, met some dope folks who are faculty and teaching sweet and current stuff. but now i can't decided between about 500 class. so that's good.
I went to one table about the Lights Out class and that teacher is awesome, and he basically said "I won't be teaching the class from the front of the room... all our learning is going to be collaborative and experimental. oh, and all our work might fail."
OKAY. sounds good...
then at another table I was transported into an alternative universe (one with a dark, artsy, New York feel) talking to this visiting faculty guy and his friend (who are twins in secret i think). their Academic Adviser-friend came over to chat about whatever, and looked at my list of classes and she was like "take this and this" (Senior Seminar and Lights Out). Artsy New York guy was like "whats that?" and she was like "its basically about how to survive the fucking apocalypse!" and in my head I thanked jesus and was like "bah! i love Evergreen!"
then i talked to people at other tables... like for the class i've been tryin to take for 4 years, and kinda sorta maybe lost interest in it, but i dunno. and also a class Civic Intelligence and Collective Action. Sounds bomb. its gonna be about Occupy and Co-ops (as far as I'm concerned at the moment, in this mindset). Those faculty had a lot to say and just kept talking even though I was due to be back in the center, so when i broke free i ran from the CRC to upper campus and made it just in time for my appointment. did my thang, left the center, and booked it back to the CRC for an hour of climbing, which turned into an hour and a half cause it was... epic.
first of all, when i got there Ty said he had a present for me. it was a card which said "May the odds be ever in your favor" and inside it was was a brass/bronze? replica of the Mockingjay pin from Hunger Games... WHAT? I flipped out and kinda jumped all over the place and then was pumped to climb. They named Eric's V5 (aka my project of three weeks that I bousta finish) "Smashing Tip" to... uhh... taunt/motivate me and make me laugh i guess. I the next couple moves on it which i'd been struggling with. yea, it felt amazing.
finally i pulled myself away from climbing to go downstairs to the Evergreen Dance Coop freewave. basically it was just a giant PENDULUM DANCE PARTY YO. and i was totally high from it afterwards so i went to look at the moon and wait for Cam.
the moon and the trees scene was like my vision i had when i was crying the other night from my breakdown. it was superbonita and cool.
Cam and I had an amazing snack dinner (snacks being quinoa, carrots, broccoli, hummus, apples, peanut butter, and oreos). we had a great convo about classes, and then he played guitar for a bit. lovelyly.
that's the end of the outline i wrote for this blog last night while listening to Cam play, so that's all folks!
... until TODAY, when i went back into the climbing gym determined to "smash some tip" so to speak.
and I DID IT!
all but the last move...the ear... but that's waiting for another day i guess.
in any case, its the hardest route I've ever done, and I got the second half (minus the ear) and then, when i was fresher and tried it again I put it all together (minus the ear). i was up there, so hyper aware and just coursing with adrenaline because it was pretty bad-ass, if i do say so myself.
and now... after a whole day of successfully blowing off my homework, i shower and sleep.
that's the end of the outline i wrote for this blog last night while listening to Cam play, so that's all folks!
... until TODAY, when i went back into the climbing gym determined to "smash some tip" so to speak.
and I DID IT!
all but the last move...the ear... but that's waiting for another day i guess.
in any case, its the hardest route I've ever done, and I got the second half (minus the ear) and then, when i was fresher and tried it again I put it all together (minus the ear). i was up there, so hyper aware and just coursing with adrenaline because it was pretty bad-ass, if i do say so myself.
and now... after a whole day of successfully blowing off my homework, i shower and sleep.
i feel like i live in too many different realities...
I'm tired and scared.
I'm tired and scared.
My self at camp sent me a letter which I got, forwarded through my cabin leader, and my mom, and finally, to me today:
Dear Alex, Since I have to write this quickly I am going to talk about about what I've been feeling lately and why it is so important to hold on to that. "Happy" is the feeling, and not just happy, but grateful for, and in awe of, life. I think love is what did this to me. Right now I am blissfully in love with Cameron. This has changed me in so many ways, but it has also helped me bring forth things in me that were buried. Curiosity and mystery have been key components of my life, but seeing and sharing wonder with him has truly replenished my source of it. Forgiveness and patience were things I knew, but this relationship has tested them to their limits and revealed the beauty of being open to the ways of the world. Love. I have always believed in love, but trusting mystery and enduring the difficulty of forgiveness, I have been able to witness its true power. What I want you to remember is this: There is not enough time to do all I want to do, but there is time to do much, grow significantly, change the world. But you have to harness every moment. You have to say yes to things that are difficult and scary. You have to continue to love and forgive and live in the reality and mystery and wonder of what is, and believe in the possibility of what can be. And trust. Make it happen. Let it happen... I am out of time. These are snippets of my thoughts. A message to the future. Hope it helps <3 Alex
Dear Alex, Since I have to write this quickly I am going to talk about about what I've been feeling lately and why it is so important to hold on to that. "Happy" is the feeling, and not just happy, but grateful for, and in awe of, life. I think love is what did this to me. Right now I am blissfully in love with Cameron. This has changed me in so many ways, but it has also helped me bring forth things in me that were buried. Curiosity and mystery have been key components of my life, but seeing and sharing wonder with him has truly replenished my source of it. Forgiveness and patience were things I knew, but this relationship has tested them to their limits and revealed the beauty of being open to the ways of the world. Love. I have always believed in love, but trusting mystery and enduring the difficulty of forgiveness, I have been able to witness its true power. What I want you to remember is this: There is not enough time to do all I want to do, but there is time to do much, grow significantly, change the world. But you have to harness every moment. You have to say yes to things that are difficult and scary. You have to continue to love and forgive and live in the reality and mystery and wonder of what is, and believe in the possibility of what can be. And trust. Make it happen. Let it happen... I am out of time. These are snippets of my thoughts. A message to the future. Hope it helps <3 Alex
Being a part of this show is the best thing I've done for myself in a LONG time. It's grounding for me, cathartic ... and ... wild. I haven't been around this many girls (only girls) I think ever. It's pretty incredible. And its kinda... alchemical: that energy coming together with the other things that have been brewing inside me. Something new is starting.
yumm.. Oyster mushrooms I grew. It was a kit, so growing them wasn't difficult, but I am still proud! I have to admit, they are kinda like friends to me...made my room less lonely. :)
"Bring on the snow, and the wind. Let's make a new world, again."
"Sometimes it is good to step back from too many words, and simply live into a new phase of one’s life as directly as possible"
dreams
Gaby and Olivia
friends killing blue whales
cats keep on getting smushed
sailing
Kirsten
Gaby and Olivia
friends killing blue whales
cats keep on getting smushed
sailing
Kirsten
have the best timing. Just the other day I was thinking about one of the nightly readings Kaleigh did at camp this year. I was thinking of a particular one, but also in general that it would be nice to have one of those inspirational reminders about life, and what it can be if we don't get bogged down by all the pressure we face all the time. I guess I haven't checked my email for a while, but she sent a message on the 30th to everyone from Cabin 5, and I found it tonight. She said:
Here's your reading. It's from The Irresistible Revolution by Shane Claiborne, who is one of my heroes (though he hates when people say that about him).
"For tonight's topic, I wanted to talk about new starts and resolutions. It's traditional, as the new year begins, for people to make resolutions about how they want to change or things they want to accomplish in the new year.
[...]
I want to encourage and challenge y'all to find what you love and keep at it, whether it's a school subject, a hobby, or a relationship. Find your passion and resolve to pursue it. As one of my favorite quotes points out, 'don't ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive and then go do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.'
[...]
I want to encourage and challenge y'all to find what you love and keep at it, whether it's a school subject, a hobby, or a relationship. Find your passion and resolve to pursue it. As one of my favorite quotes points out, 'don't ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive and then go do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.'
[...]
Love,
Kaleigh
PA '06, Cabin 5 Mama '11
Here's your reading. It's from The Irresistible Revolution by Shane Claiborne, who is one of my heroes (though he hates when people say that about him).
'I fell in love with the Home for the Destitute and Dying and spent most days there. I helped folks eat, massaged muscles, gave baths, and basically tried to spoil people who really deserved it. Each day, folks would die, and each day, we would go out onto the streets and bring in new people. The goal was not to keep people alive (we had very few supplies for doing that) but to allow people to die with dignity, with someone loving them, singing, laughing, so they were not alone. Sometimes folks with medical training would come by and be overwhelmed with frustration because we has so few medical supplies, and the sisters would hastily explain that our mission was not to prolong life but to help people die well. As Mother Teresa would say (telling the old story about throwing starfish back into the ocean even though they continue to line the beach in thousands), "We are called not to be successful but to be faithful." That sounds good, but it was the beginning of my years of struggle with the tension between efficiency and faithfulness. I remembered Gandhi's saying that what we are doing may seem insignificant, but it is most important that we do it. So we did.
While the temptation to do great things is always before us, in Khalighat I learned the discipline of doing small things with great deliberation. Mother Teresa used to say, "We can do no great things, just small things with great love. It is not how much you do, but how much love you put into doing it.' "
I needed that so bad... to be reminded of that idea of "coming alive," and the challenge of finding what that means for me. I was crying on the phone to Cam today, about how indecisive I've been about next quarter, and lethargic I've felt and how much I've been sleeping. His response was: "well, if you were a bear all you would be doing right now is sleeping." I like that. It made me laugh. And it also makes me think about what it means to be alive. For a tree it means something different than a bear, but they are both fully alive, fulfilling their purposes as living creatures. Even if that just means sleeping to survive the winter; even if it just means growing taller every year.
For humans being alive I guess can mean all sorts of things too, but it gets all complicated because we have so much freedom to choose what that means and so many of us end up feeling dead while we're still breathing. The bears don't have that freedom though, and I guess that's what I've been struggling with is that... I don't have enough constraints, I have so many choices and it seems to me that the best designs usually come from a response to a prompt or some sort of structure. I mean that is a huge generalization, but it seems true. So how am I supposed to design a good life if I can do and be anything cause I want to do and be everything(there is so much that makes me come alive!) so I end up just spreading myself thin over everything and there isn't enough of me to sink in deep enough in a particular spot to do anything meaningful. and then I feel deadened...and exhausted and I eat too much and I can't get my ass out of bed at a decent time. which makes me worry that if I'm not doing enough this quarter then I will keep sleeping in and won't have time or energy or motivation to do anything and... damn, this is circular! but this is where my brain is getting stuck. and i haven't written for a long time (even in my journal) because i can't keep up with all this junk going on in there.
but anyway, back to the email from Kaleigh: it helped to know that other people are struggling with what I have been: "the temptation to do great things." man, i love how it is framed as a temptation... a distraction almost. like there are so many wonderful things that we could be doing everyday to make the world better for the people immediately surrounding us, but we get so caught up in these big schemes that we don't have energy left for the people we interact with face to face all the time. its like that Wendell Berry quote:
"no matter how much one may love the world as a whole, one can live fully in it only by living responsibly in one small part of it."
i want to do that. but what part? and how?
"we are not called to be successful, but to be faithful."
that...hits me hard. what a beautiful thought.
okay, i could keep writing, but its almost 2 and I need to pack for Oly.
(there ya go Cam... blog=occupied!)
I needed that so bad... to be reminded of that idea of "coming alive," and the challenge of finding what that means for me. I was crying on the phone to Cam today, about how indecisive I've been about next quarter, and lethargic I've felt and how much I've been sleeping. His response was: "well, if you were a bear all you would be doing right now is sleeping." I like that. It made me laugh. And it also makes me think about what it means to be alive. For a tree it means something different than a bear, but they are both fully alive, fulfilling their purposes as living creatures. Even if that just means sleeping to survive the winter; even if it just means growing taller every year.
For humans being alive I guess can mean all sorts of things too, but it gets all complicated because we have so much freedom to choose what that means and so many of us end up feeling dead while we're still breathing. The bears don't have that freedom though, and I guess that's what I've been struggling with is that... I don't have enough constraints, I have so many choices and it seems to me that the best designs usually come from a response to a prompt or some sort of structure. I mean that is a huge generalization, but it seems true. So how am I supposed to design a good life if I can do and be anything cause I want to do and be everything(there is so much that makes me come alive!) so I end up just spreading myself thin over everything and there isn't enough of me to sink in deep enough in a particular spot to do anything meaningful. and then I feel deadened...and exhausted and I eat too much and I can't get my ass out of bed at a decent time. which makes me worry that if I'm not doing enough this quarter then I will keep sleeping in and won't have time or energy or motivation to do anything and... damn, this is circular! but this is where my brain is getting stuck. and i haven't written for a long time (even in my journal) because i can't keep up with all this junk going on in there.
but anyway, back to the email from Kaleigh: it helped to know that other people are struggling with what I have been: "the temptation to do great things." man, i love how it is framed as a temptation... a distraction almost. like there are so many wonderful things that we could be doing everyday to make the world better for the people immediately surrounding us, but we get so caught up in these big schemes that we don't have energy left for the people we interact with face to face all the time. its like that Wendell Berry quote:
"no matter how much one may love the world as a whole, one can live fully in it only by living responsibly in one small part of it."
i want to do that. but what part? and how?
"we are not called to be successful, but to be faithful."
that...hits me hard. what a beautiful thought.
okay, i could keep writing, but its almost 2 and I need to pack for Oly.
(there ya go Cam... blog=occupied!)
"Occupy Love will be a moving, transformative feature documentary that asks the question: how are the economic and ecological crises we are facing today a great love story?"
http://www.indiegogo.com/Occupy-Love
http://www.indiegogo.com/Occupy-Love
"Love is the felt experience of connection to another being. An economist says 'more for you is less for me.' But the lover knows that more of you is more for me too. If you love somebody their happiness is your happiness. Their pain is your pain. Your sense of self expands to include other beings. That's love, love is the expansion of the self to include the other. And that's a different kind of revolution. There's no one to fight. There's no evil to fight. There's no other in this revolution."
~ Charles Eisenstein
~ Charles Eisenstein
"Though the problems of the world are increasingly complex, the solutions remain embarrassingly simple."
| — | Bill Mollison |
(I didn't compile this)L’esprit d’escalier: (French) The feeling you get after leaving a conversation, when you think of all the things you should have said. Translated it means “the spirit of the staircase.”
Waldeinsamkeit: (German) The feeling of being alone in the woods.
Meraki: (Greek) Doing something with soul, creativity, or love.
Forelsket: (Norwegian) The euphoria you experience when you are first falling in love.
Gigil: (Filipino) The urge to pinch or squeeze something that is unbearably cute.
Pochemuchka: (Russian) A person who asks a lot of questions.
Pena ajena: (Mexican Spanish) The embarrassment you feel watching someone else’s humiliation.
Cualacino: (Italian) The mark left on a table by a cold glass.
Ilunga: (Tshiluba, Congo) A person who is ready to forgive any abuse for the first time, to tolerate it a second time, but never a third time.
i writed something good!
and i wanna show someone
but it's 3 am.
GO TO
SLEEP
bah! ideas today...
I'm bursting. its great, but crippling until i buckle down, which doesn't happen until everyone else is asleep.
maybe i should just re-accept that i work best (write best) in the middle of the night.
and i wanna show someone
but it's 3 am.
GO TO
SLEEP
bah! ideas today...
I'm bursting. its great, but crippling until i buckle down, which doesn't happen until everyone else is asleep.
maybe i should just re-accept that i work best (write best) in the middle of the night.
Been reading and writing like crazy these past couple days. Berry, Circumference, On the Plaza, articles about the occupy movement (and there are about 30 on RS that I want to read). But I am overloading myself with ideas and have realized that my ability to frame ideas cohesively has been crippled somehow, probably by being inundated with an unmanageable amount of complex ideas. Or maybe I am just ignoring the process, unwilling to submit to the necessity of limiting my scope of exploration. What's that quote? "Tug on one thing and you will find it connected to everything else in the universe." something like that, and it has been my experience lately. But I don't know where to make the cut...
Part of the "problem" is that I have so many projects going on right now, I don't even know what to do, where to start, how much to focus/spread my energy. I've spent the majority of the past few days trying to explore ideas for my contract next quarter, meaning I have been disregarding the work I need to do for my contract this quarter (except that I found out that I get to go to a weekend workshop with my Uncle in a couple weeks on Bainbridge if I want).
Also, I taught myself a couple new things yesterday which I want to keep practicing. And I should be doing some Spanish every day, but I'm not. That should be one of my goals... starting now?
Mom found a perfect location for a Co-op in North Bend. When I saw it I was about ready to buy it right then and there. Oh, vision. It could be great. So now I've gotten a little crazy thinking I could write a contract where I do a feasibility study for a Co-op in North Bend, based on a model similar to the one in Oly.
But I really wanna keep doing urban studies (its sooo related though, Alex)
and I don't wanna be commuting between here and there...
but I do want to start that project. Especially now that I know there is so much internal interest in the community. Side project on top of school? (You're insane).
To do:
-practice Spanish daily
-email people interested in starting a co-op, set up interest meeting to be held during x-mas break, start FB group/page/whoa!
-write up for Circumference project, send to group, finish reading Circumference
-keep compiling resources/brainstorming for potential urban space/play contract, find sponsor
-figure out what class(es) to register for --go to Academic Fair, Wednesday
-email evergreen peeps back about summative eval panel (after meeting with reena, monday)
-put together presentation AND paper for current contract, make it exciting!
-finish other work for current contract
-"NaNoWriMo"
-finish making the things
-email people about the other things (carolyn i am starting to sound like you)
-watch movie in spanish, write review/response in spanish
ok. just one question: WHEN?
I swear.. I have been working on one of these things or another pretty much straight for the past two days besides sleeping.
oh, don't forget:
-Veg food for thanksgiving
-soccer party friday!
-photo-shoot/baby shower saturday
enough spewing. back to it.
i am enjoying myself, btw. just somewhat overwhelmed. whelmed? dunno
AHHH
Part of the "problem" is that I have so many projects going on right now, I don't even know what to do, where to start, how much to focus/spread my energy. I've spent the majority of the past few days trying to explore ideas for my contract next quarter, meaning I have been disregarding the work I need to do for my contract this quarter (except that I found out that I get to go to a weekend workshop with my Uncle in a couple weeks on Bainbridge if I want).
Also, I taught myself a couple new things yesterday which I want to keep practicing. And I should be doing some Spanish every day, but I'm not. That should be one of my goals... starting now?
Mom found a perfect location for a Co-op in North Bend. When I saw it I was about ready to buy it right then and there. Oh, vision. It could be great. So now I've gotten a little crazy thinking I could write a contract where I do a feasibility study for a Co-op in North Bend, based on a model similar to the one in Oly.
But I really wanna keep doing urban studies (its sooo related though, Alex)
and I don't wanna be commuting between here and there...
but I do want to start that project. Especially now that I know there is so much internal interest in the community. Side project on top of school? (You're insane).
To do:
-practice Spanish daily
-email people interested in starting a co-op, set up interest meeting to be held during x-mas break, start FB group/page/whoa!
-write up for Circumference project, send to group, finish reading Circumference
-keep compiling resources/brainstorming for potential urban space/play contract, find sponsor
-figure out what class(es) to register for --go to Academic Fair, Wednesday
-email evergreen peeps back about summative eval panel (after meeting with reena, monday)
-put together presentation AND paper for current contract, make it exciting!
-finish other work for current contract
-"NaNoWriMo"
-finish making the things
-email people about the other things (carolyn i am starting to sound like you)
-watch movie in spanish, write review/response in spanish
ok. just one question: WHEN?
I swear.. I have been working on one of these things or another pretty much straight for the past two days besides sleeping.
oh, don't forget:
-Veg food for thanksgiving
-soccer party friday!
-photo-shoot/baby shower saturday
enough spewing. back to it.
i am enjoying myself, btw. just somewhat overwhelmed. whelmed? dunno
AHHH
-Ian MacKenzie, Charles Eisenstein, November 11, 2011
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ours To Love.
Maybe you will listen now.
These people are,
and this world is
ours to love.
As humans we are young, we are naive,
and we do not collectively have something to look to for guidance.
many of us are lost. we all have our own ways.:
some of us find comfort in religion.
some of us find satisfaction helping other people.
some of us are content to stray without direction.
We are all different.
But we are all together, and that is the important part.
We are all together as a community in this loss,
We are all together as a race in this world,
and we are all together as living creatures in this universe,
and we need to realize that together we can make and break lives.
because we have a power. It is a power that we all utilize in different ways.
Humans, through all their flaws, have the capacity for love,
and if we open our hearts that capacity will fill to its infinite brim.
However, if you think about it, love is also responsible for hate.
Hate is driven by love. It is for the love of something that we employ hate to protect that which we love - an idea, a religion, a person, a way of life...
but rather than closing the doors on "conflicting" ideas ect, why do we not remember the age old adage "live and let live"?
The reasoning behind this cliché is that no one person is the same - as you can see by looking around you right now - but that our differences are a gift which present us with the chance and the choice to love.
Sadly do not always take it that chance. In fact, I would say it is rare for any one person to show love to every other person that they meet.
Why? Because that calls for complete acceptance,
and acceptance requires strength, and we are weak.
But we are weak only as long as we allow ourselves to be.
I say NO MORE. I choose strength. I choose acceptance.
I choose to open my life up to the possibility of love without force.
It is time to be strong, for ourselves and for everyone else.
It is time to cast aside ignorance and fear of the unknown
and embrace the truth that we are all here together and we need each other.
It is time for a revolution in the name of love.
Love and life go hand in hand:
Without life there is no one to love.
Without love there is no reason for life.
-Me, January 2, 2008
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Revolution.
"DROP EVERYTHING GET UP AND RUN
RUN to the side of your brothers and sisters who fight on your behalf
RUN to the footsteps and doors of office buildings full of those still sleeping
STOP what you are doing whatever it may be and RUN
STOP watching the news
STOP checking for status updates
STOP driving your car, literally pull over get out and RUN
PUT DOWN your cell phone and coffee, ok maybe not the coffee
LEAVE BEHIND the comfort of your warm home
LEAVE BEHIND outdated modes of thought
LEAVE BEHIND anything and everything that is holding you back and RUN
WHAT IF you could be the straw that breaks the camals back
WHAT IF your presence would help make those around you stronger
WHAT IF you could actually change the world
WHAT IF you could inspire people to want to at least try
IMAGINE IF it worked
IMAGINE IF every single person you know started running right now
running to the side of our brothers and sisters standing in the cold
holding onto every hope they've ever had of making things better
COULD YOU decide that everything you left behind was not as important as our future?
COULD YOU ignite the fire in your heart that's been slowling burning out
the fire that used to guide your way, telling you that all things are possible
TELLING YOU that you have the right and the responsibility to no longer be silent
TELLING YOU to use your voice to defend those who cannot speak and who cannot run
WOULD YOU use that fire to set the world ablaze and watch it burn? or
WOULD YOU use a spark to ignite the hearts of everyone around you
WOULD YOU feed that fire until it burned so hot that they couldnt stop themselves from running?
running to the sides of our brothers and sisters keeping themselves warm only
by the embers in their hearts.
DO YOU BELIEVE that the there is something worth saving
DO YOU BELIEVE that you are strong and powerful, if not by yourself than together with others
DO YOU BELIEVE you could make sacrifices to be a part of something bigger than yourself?
then let any reason you have, any little spark of life you find worth defending, ignite your heart
and RUN"
-Jessica Armstrong
"It doesn't interest me what you do for a living
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.
It doesn't interest me how old you are
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dreams
for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life's betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.
I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your
fingers and toes
without cautioning us to
be careful
be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself. I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.
It doesn't interest me how old you are
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dreams
for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life's betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.
I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your
fingers and toes
without cautioning us to
be careful
be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand on the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
"Yes."
It doesn't interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after a night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.
It doesn't interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the center of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.
It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand on the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
"Yes."
It doesn't interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after a night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.
It doesn't interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the center of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.
It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments."
Oriah Mountain Dreamer
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments."
Oriah Mountain Dreamer
"the ability to respond to the need of the moment."
you can't just go halfway down
you have to go all the way.
you have to go all the way.
"The actual human voices we hear form and fade like pond-ripples; that is their mystery. Often we misread them as solid objects, like stones or stars, because we're used to carved steel, printed text, digitalized recordings of the fluttering larynx and its small warm wet wind, the vibration which reaches out and shivers skin inside our ears and the watery electricity of our brains. One way of remembering that voices are not things is to recall that one of those voices is our own: a dark resonance in a solid tongue and bone, which is not tongue and body themselves. It is the breath of our bow across the larynx our violin. It is in fact our body, vibrating, as it grasps the world alternatively, a casting of our body upon the air."
of everything.
oh, synchronicity...
[Quetzal Quetzal Mare]
::quote of the day, brought to you by the OccupyOly listserv. it was funnier in context, and by that i mean my own.
---------------------------------------------------
A list of things I want to remember or think more about
People:
RC
Mom
Carolyn
Joan Jett
Joan Hitchens
David Hitchens
Tom Ward (helllo)
Things that are buzzing:
"Awkward Walks"
Sounds of Resistance
Occupy Writers
mapsss
flies (flies)
fleas (fuck)
Death:
dead whales
dead dogs
dead flies
dying flies
dying leaves
dying person
Words&concepts (of perplexity/complexity/someplexity):
"occupation"
"sustainability"
"empowerment"
"independence"
"peace"
"skookum"
(and a whole slew of others)
Food:
Chard
Eggplant
and lotsa green things
plus grapes
Dreams:
3 layers deep
discovery in my sleep
Updates:
walking without a boot
hell, walking without a brace even.
training for a marathon
competing in the climbing comp tomorrow!
not
there are a massive amount of sirens in the streets tonight.
-------------------------------------------------------
i will start writing again soon, probably.
---------------------------------------------------
A list of things I want to remember or think more about
People:
RC
Mom
Carolyn
Joan Jett
Joan Hitchens
David Hitchens
Tom Ward (helllo)
Things that are buzzing:
"Awkward Walks"
Sounds of Resistance
Occupy Writers
mapsss
flies (flies)
fleas (fuck)
Death:
dead whales
dead dogs
dead flies
dying flies
dying leaves
dying person
Words&concepts (of perplexity/complexity/someplexity):
"occupation"
"sustainability"
"empowerment"
"independence"
"peace"
"skookum"
(and a whole slew of others)
Food:
Chard
Eggplant
and lotsa green things
plus grapes
Dreams:
3 layers deep
discovery in my sleep
Updates:
walking without a boot
hell, walking without a brace even.
training for a marathon
competing in the climbing comp tomorrow!
not
there are a massive amount of sirens in the streets tonight.
-------------------------------------------------------
i will start writing again soon, probably.
Michelle knew Rachel.
Today I was walking from seminar to the Writing Center and this guy was singing and playing guitar at the edge of the grassy knoll on Red Square. Right when I passed him the lyrics to his song were something to the effect of "darling you're a blue whale in the deep sea."
I was just reminded of something else. This quote has been bouncing around in my head for weeks now, trying to apply itself to different parts of my life. It is something I synthesized from different things the pastor at Becca's church said:
"We live in a culture of entitlement. There is nothing wrong with desires, but when desires turn to demands, love is destroyed. Entitlement turns desires into demands causing the divisions in our relationships."
I suppose it is more applicable in a discussion of demands between individuals and not between people and government. But it came up for me at the end of the previous post when I asked "what are our demands for each other?"
geez. I'm overwhelmed now.
and its time to do homework.
"We live in a culture of entitlement. There is nothing wrong with desires, but when desires turn to demands, love is destroyed. Entitlement turns desires into demands causing the divisions in our relationships."
I suppose it is more applicable in a discussion of demands between individuals and not between people and government. But it came up for me at the end of the previous post when I asked "what are our demands for each other?"
geez. I'm overwhelmed now.
and its time to do homework.
Lately everyone has been talking about the Occupy Wall Street (Occupy everywhere) movement that's going on right now, and it's got me inspired to write about some things I've been thinking about for some time, specifically about the most effect and powerful ways to make change. So here we are in the middle of this incredible global movement that has been popping up all over in the form of the occupation of public space, as well as worker strikes and direct action. And while I am completely elated that this is happening, that people are waking up and standing up together, I am wondering where it will lead and how. My questions come from three sources of influence that I've encountered in the last month or so. These are: of one of Wendell Berry's essays, "Think Little," which I just read (and loved!), a difficult conversation with my father last month, and an strategic article on "Envisioning" written by Donella Meadows.
The conversation with my dad on 9/11 began as a discussion about who was involved in the events of that day ten years ago, and evolved into an argument about the causes of social injustice, environmental degradation, etc. I talked about how corporate interference in government has taken away the power of the people, and how our lives are contained in manufactured boxes of abundant distraction and conditioning. I said the response was to recognize this and respond through personal life choices (working toward self-sufficiency within local communities, avoiding putting money into corporate pockets by selective spending, and other actions). I also expressed anxiety that unfortunately many people have none of the means to access this perspective, or the energy or empowerment or know how to make such choices. In response to my concern that my voice--a single voice--is not enough to be heard in such an enormous system of influence and power, he simply told me not to be disheartened and not to "run away". In essence he encouraged me that I do have an influence and that being discouraged and removing myself completely was irresponsible. It's not that I totally disagree with that, but it got me thinking: there has got to be a balance that can be lived especially at this juncture in history when so much is happening--there's got to be a balance between living within "the system" in order to change it, and living without it.
If we are in collective transition between one way of living and another, perhaps we must straddle the line in order to be fully alive and active members of our race, of our communities, during this time in history. In Wendell Berry's essay "Think Little" he talks about this in a context that is very applicable to what has been going on these past few weeks in NY and across the country. He says:
Berry says "A man who is willing to undertake the discipline and the difficulty of mending his own ways is worth more to the [...] movement than a hundred who are insisting merely that the government and the industries mend their ways." If 99% of people made this thing their own personal private cause too, by asserting some autonomy from the present system by thinking up and creating alternatives, wouldn't that be revolutionary in itself?
Am I being idealistic? Or is this the way forward?
Possibly, both. In her article, Donella Meadows, a prominent systems thinker and a huge influence of mine, tells of her Envisioning Workshops in which she asks people to describe "not the world they thought they could achieve, or the world they were willing to settle for, but the world they truly wanted."
This exercise is totally idealistic. And it is idealistic to ask that the 99% to be the ones making the changes when the major destruction and oppression is happening seemingly so far out of our reach. It is idealistic because we are asking people--we are asking ourselves--to live up to our own ideals. But this is important, because it is our ideals that move us to the action of creating what we desire and believe in. As Meadows wrote:
The conversation with my dad on 9/11 began as a discussion about who was involved in the events of that day ten years ago, and evolved into an argument about the causes of social injustice, environmental degradation, etc. I talked about how corporate interference in government has taken away the power of the people, and how our lives are contained in manufactured boxes of abundant distraction and conditioning. I said the response was to recognize this and respond through personal life choices (working toward self-sufficiency within local communities, avoiding putting money into corporate pockets by selective spending, and other actions). I also expressed anxiety that unfortunately many people have none of the means to access this perspective, or the energy or empowerment or know how to make such choices. In response to my concern that my voice--a single voice--is not enough to be heard in such an enormous system of influence and power, he simply told me not to be disheartened and not to "run away". In essence he encouraged me that I do have an influence and that being discouraged and removing myself completely was irresponsible. It's not that I totally disagree with that, but it got me thinking: there has got to be a balance that can be lived especially at this juncture in history when so much is happening--there's got to be a balance between living within "the system" in order to change it, and living without it.
If we are in collective transition between one way of living and another, perhaps we must straddle the line in order to be fully alive and active members of our race, of our communities, during this time in history. In Wendell Berry's essay "Think Little" he talks about this in a context that is very applicable to what has been going on these past few weeks in NY and across the country. He says:
It seems to me that the Civil Rights Movement and the Peace Movement, as popular causes in the electronic age, have partaken far too much of the nature of fads. Not for all, certainly, but for too many they have been the fashionable politics of the moment. As causes they have been undertaken too much in ignorance; they have been too much simplified; they have been powered too much by impatience and guilt of conscience and short-term enthusiasm, and too little by an authentic social vision and long-term conviction and deliberation.He goes on to say:
If this effort is carried on solely as a public cause, if millions of people cannot or will not undertake it as a private cause as well, then [this] is sure the happen. In five years the energy of our present concern will have petered out in a series of public gestures--and no doubt in a series of empty laws--and a great [...] human opportunity will have been lost."In context he is referring specifically to the environmental movement, but what he says is applicable to recent events and to all movements. My point (and his, I assume) is not to say that we shouldn't revel in the energy and enthusiasm bubbling up at these times. Trust me, I am riled up and ready to hit the streets. The occupations of public space and gatherings of people are great because we suddenly we are not one voice trying to be heard over the roar of political slander and mass media's deluge of distraction, we are the vast majority of people screaming our demands under the slogan of "we are the 99%." And so, in the midst of this, Berry is asking us (the people, the majority), to really examine what are our demands, and who are we demanding them from? Are we demanding them from the 1%, or from the 99%? Or are we really asking for major changes from 100%, from everyone?
Berry says "A man who is willing to undertake the discipline and the difficulty of mending his own ways is worth more to the [...] movement than a hundred who are insisting merely that the government and the industries mend their ways." If 99% of people made this thing their own personal private cause too, by asserting some autonomy from the present system by thinking up and creating alternatives, wouldn't that be revolutionary in itself?
Am I being idealistic? Or is this the way forward?
Possibly, both. In her article, Donella Meadows, a prominent systems thinker and a huge influence of mine, tells of her Envisioning Workshops in which she asks people to describe "not the world they thought they could achieve, or the world they were willing to settle for, but the world they truly wanted."
This exercise is totally idealistic. And it is idealistic to ask that the 99% to be the ones making the changes when the major destruction and oppression is happening seemingly so far out of our reach. It is idealistic because we are asking people--we are asking ourselves--to live up to our own ideals. But this is important, because it is our ideals that move us to the action of creating what we desire and believe in. As Meadows wrote:
"Vision is the most vital step in the policy process. If we don’t know where we want to go, it makes little difference that we make great progress. [...] Even if information, models, and implementation could be perfect in every way, how far can they guide us, if we know what direction we want to move away from but not what direction we want to go toward? There may be motivation in escaping doom, but there is even more in creating a better world."So what are our ideal visions for this world? How can we begin creating them through the present movement? What desires and demands do we have for our government, and what desires and demands do we have for ourselves. How to keep that balance of living within a system that oppresses us in order to change it, and living without it in order to live up to our highest ideals.
darkness engulf me now and pull me down into me and cold seep through my clothes and skin and weather wither me into the leaves and hold me hold me mystery with your deep rich color of decay and grey my skin so i blend in with clouds or snow or the crashing waves and save me from the sun that bakes me into sleep and wakes me into dreams so i rise and rise and fall take it all underneath where spry spring blossoms and steady summer greens go when they are shed to die from this life for some time in the seasonal night
xx
"Say you hoped to
tame something
wild and stayed
calm and inched up
day by day. Or even
not tame it but
meet it halfway.
Things went along.
You made progress,
understanding
it would be a
lengthy process,
sensing changes
in your hair and
nails. So it's
strange when it
attacks: you thought
you had a deal."
-Kay Ryan
tame something
wild and stayed
calm and inched up
day by day. Or even
not tame it but
meet it halfway.
Things went along.
You made progress,
understanding
it would be a
lengthy process,
sensing changes
in your hair and
nails. So it's
strange when it
attacks: you thought
you had a deal."
-Kay Ryan
"There is almost a sensual longing for communion with others who have a large vision. The immense fulfillment of the friendship between those engaged in furthering the evolution of consciousness has a quality impossible to describe."
I'm a lonely tree with bare branches reaching outward, twisting onto themselves, looking every direction for something to connect to.
The sky rains the saddest, richest, most beautiful combination of colors on me.
I am a tree. Alone with the sky and the earth,
reaching to catch the rain; this outpouring of blended color.
I cannot catch it. It rolls over me.
I can absorb some of it, use it to grow
and live, and change, and stretch, and
reach outward more, to something unknown,
or nothing at all.
I am a faithful tree.
I fear though that I will be cut short,
that I will be used.
That my effort and worth will be overlooked
or that they are only false manifestations of my need to feel that I am an important part of a greater whole.
I fear that my intrinsic beauty is not enough; that my life-supporting processes will be forgotten;
that I will never be loved, the way I unconditionally love.
The sky rains the saddest, richest, most beautiful combination of colors on me.
I am a tree. Alone with the sky and the earth,
reaching to catch the rain; this outpouring of blended color.
I cannot catch it. It rolls over me.
I can absorb some of it, use it to grow
and live, and change, and stretch, and
reach outward more, to something unknown,
or nothing at all.
I am a faithful tree.
I fear though that I will be cut short,
that I will be used.
That my effort and worth will be overlooked
or that they are only false manifestations of my need to feel that I am an important part of a greater whole.
I fear that my intrinsic beauty is not enough; that my life-supporting processes will be forgotten;
that I will never be loved, the way I unconditionally love.
i know its late.
I've been up since before 7 this morning
for no apparent reason
except perhaps the energy of the world today
re-shaken in mourning.
so watching
reading
thinking
writing
singing
coloring
and
talking about this all day
has my mind pretty worn
but there were a couple things i was reminded of that i wanted to post.
i know... im sorta in private mode with my own writing right now and have pretty much just been reposting links or other people's stuff. it will pass. i think i am starting a new site soon anyway, if i stop being so lazy and indecisive about it.
-----------------------------------------------------
ok, so the first thing is this poem that I initially read in a library in Eugene (in like March?) when I first picked up Pinchbeck's compilation Toward 2012: Perspectives on the Next Age. Its called "If You See Something, Say Something" ...a stab at the signs that have appeared on airports and buses since 9/11/01. Here it is, from Michael Brownstein, 2006:
"We need your help as an extra set of eyes and ears.
Unattended bags? Suspicious behavior?
Take notice of people in bulky or inappropriate clothing.
Report anyone tampering with video cameras or entering unauthorized areas.
If you see something, say something.
I see something.
I see a criminally insane person roaming the halls of the White House.
He believes he's the president of the United States.
And I see a rotund bastard with a heart problem hovering in the background, pulling the strings.
His crooked smile lights the way to perdition.
In the early morning chill I see the streets of New York filled with people on their way to work.
We think we're home free because John Ashcroft retired.
No more red alerts, no more terrorists disguised as tourists worming their way into town.
No more dirty bombs left in suitcases in Grand Central.
Little do we know. Little dare we surmise.
As the rotund bastard with the heart problem said the other day, "You know, it's not an accident that we haven't been hit in four years."
What's that supposed to mean? That sooner or later he'll feel threatened enough to push the hot button again?
And when he does will he be in his secret, climate-controlled tunnel half-way between D.C. and Wyoming?
Far from the narrow, dark canyons of Manhattan?
If you see something, say something.
I see something.
I see the forgotten anthrax killers whose bioweapons source was not al-Qaeda but our own American arsenals.
I see no global war declared on Fort Detrick or the Dugway Proving Grounds, no troops deployed, no actions taken.
Our attention always focused somewhere out there (Iraq, North Korea, Iran), never in here.
If you see something, say something.
I see a billion dollars a week spent on this war rather than the two billion a year needed to lock down leaking Russian nuclear facilities.
I see the US military buying anthrax in violation of treaties limiting the spread of bioweapons.
I see nanotech embraced for mirage medical cures while its use for surveillance and control is ignored.
I see all of us innoculated into a state of permanent low-level paranoia.
If you see something, say something.
I see something.
I see our Supreme Leader in the Oval Office fondling "the football," the top-secret suitcase with instructions to blow up the planet.
Sixteen years after the Berlin wall fell I see thousands of hydrogen bombs still on hair-trigger alert in Russia and the USA.
I see forty of those bombs aimed at New York City.
If you see something, say something.
I see our protective coating of ironic distance sheilding us from the truth.
Over the phone I hear "Have a nice day," and "Please speak to the system."
And in the stores, behind the Christmas carols, I hear the whine of black helicopters making the world safe for democracy.
"Freedom!" I bark, and a miniature poodle on a leash barks back at me.
I see something.
I see the US holding the world for ransom.
Again and again the same words keep surfacing: "the national interest, the national interest, the national interest."
Reptilian brains having a toxic reaction to testosterone.
Plunging us all into the icy waters of selfish calculation.
If you see something, say something.
I see this trashed-out culture of ours approaching the wall.
Plant and animal species disappearing at warp speed.
Soil turned to dust, aquifers drained dry.
And I see it's too painful to go there.
It's too painful to go there, I'm headed outside for a smoke.
It's too painful to go there, I'm busy learning Italian.
It's too painful to go there, my therapist told me to stay positive.
She said that whatever I experience is up to me, that I create my own world.
My guru said the same thing.
But it's funny, no matter what they say I keep seeing this weirdness out of the corner of my eye.
I see undercover agents on every transport platform, watching over my fellow Americans strapped into bucket seats.
I see my fellow Americans weighed down by schedules and cellphones and computers and wristwatches.
I see their children swallowing pharmaceuticals to get through the day.
While in nearby fields the birds and animals look on with infinite patience, waiting outside of clock time for us to burn out and disappear.
(The yellow-throated warbler singing, "Is that the best you can do?
Best you can do?"
"Is that the best you can do?")
I see something.
I see arbitrary national borders separating us from our humanity.
I hear the siren song of nationalism driving us onto the rocks.
9/11 and the war in Iraq no more than red herrings distracting us from this fact.
Cause Iraqis are people just like us. How can their deaths be worth less than ours?
I see it's time for us to take a look in the mirror.
Notice the frightened children in there, wondering how they got into this mess.
Realize there's no one in the whole wide world to blame.
Decide to risk everything and open our hearts.
That's the one thing against which the rotund bastard has no defense.
If you see something, say something.
I see that even though my therapist charges a hundred and seventy-five an hour and my guru has a lifetime free pass, maybe they're right.
I'm responsible for what's happening to me.
My beliefs create my experience.
Otherwise why am I swallowed up in rituals of mutual self-destruction while outside a sweet wind blows through the trees?
Cause I see two wolves fighting in my heart, one vengeful and the other compassionate.
Which one will I feed today?
Will I behave as if the god in all of life matters?
Or will I come after you, blaming and accusing?
Which one will I feed today?"
Unattended bags? Suspicious behavior?
Take notice of people in bulky or inappropriate clothing.
Report anyone tampering with video cameras or entering unauthorized areas.
If you see something, say something.
I see something.
I see a criminally insane person roaming the halls of the White House.
He believes he's the president of the United States.
And I see a rotund bastard with a heart problem hovering in the background, pulling the strings.
His crooked smile lights the way to perdition.
In the early morning chill I see the streets of New York filled with people on their way to work.
We think we're home free because John Ashcroft retired.
No more red alerts, no more terrorists disguised as tourists worming their way into town.
No more dirty bombs left in suitcases in Grand Central.
Little do we know. Little dare we surmise.
As the rotund bastard with the heart problem said the other day, "You know, it's not an accident that we haven't been hit in four years."
What's that supposed to mean? That sooner or later he'll feel threatened enough to push the hot button again?
And when he does will he be in his secret, climate-controlled tunnel half-way between D.C. and Wyoming?
Far from the narrow, dark canyons of Manhattan?
If you see something, say something.
I see something.
I see the forgotten anthrax killers whose bioweapons source was not al-Qaeda but our own American arsenals.
I see no global war declared on Fort Detrick or the Dugway Proving Grounds, no troops deployed, no actions taken.
Our attention always focused somewhere out there (Iraq, North Korea, Iran), never in here.
If you see something, say something.
I see a billion dollars a week spent on this war rather than the two billion a year needed to lock down leaking Russian nuclear facilities.
I see the US military buying anthrax in violation of treaties limiting the spread of bioweapons.
I see nanotech embraced for mirage medical cures while its use for surveillance and control is ignored.
I see all of us innoculated into a state of permanent low-level paranoia.
If you see something, say something.
I see something.
I see our Supreme Leader in the Oval Office fondling "the football," the top-secret suitcase with instructions to blow up the planet.
Sixteen years after the Berlin wall fell I see thousands of hydrogen bombs still on hair-trigger alert in Russia and the USA.
I see forty of those bombs aimed at New York City.
If you see something, say something.
I see our protective coating of ironic distance sheilding us from the truth.
Over the phone I hear "Have a nice day," and "Please speak to the system."
And in the stores, behind the Christmas carols, I hear the whine of black helicopters making the world safe for democracy.
"Freedom!" I bark, and a miniature poodle on a leash barks back at me.
I see something.
I see the US holding the world for ransom.
Again and again the same words keep surfacing: "the national interest, the national interest, the national interest."
Reptilian brains having a toxic reaction to testosterone.
Plunging us all into the icy waters of selfish calculation.
If you see something, say something.
I see this trashed-out culture of ours approaching the wall.
Plant and animal species disappearing at warp speed.
Soil turned to dust, aquifers drained dry.
And I see it's too painful to go there.
It's too painful to go there, I'm headed outside for a smoke.
It's too painful to go there, I'm busy learning Italian.
It's too painful to go there, my therapist told me to stay positive.
She said that whatever I experience is up to me, that I create my own world.
My guru said the same thing.
But it's funny, no matter what they say I keep seeing this weirdness out of the corner of my eye.
I see undercover agents on every transport platform, watching over my fellow Americans strapped into bucket seats.
I see my fellow Americans weighed down by schedules and cellphones and computers and wristwatches.
I see their children swallowing pharmaceuticals to get through the day.
While in nearby fields the birds and animals look on with infinite patience, waiting outside of clock time for us to burn out and disappear.
(The yellow-throated warbler singing, "Is that the best you can do?
Best you can do?"
"Is that the best you can do?")
I see something.
I see arbitrary national borders separating us from our humanity.
I hear the siren song of nationalism driving us onto the rocks.
9/11 and the war in Iraq no more than red herrings distracting us from this fact.
Cause Iraqis are people just like us. How can their deaths be worth less than ours?
I see it's time for us to take a look in the mirror.
Notice the frightened children in there, wondering how they got into this mess.
Realize there's no one in the whole wide world to blame.
Decide to risk everything and open our hearts.
That's the one thing against which the rotund bastard has no defense.
If you see something, say something.
I see that even though my therapist charges a hundred and seventy-five an hour and my guru has a lifetime free pass, maybe they're right.
I'm responsible for what's happening to me.
My beliefs create my experience.
Otherwise why am I swallowed up in rituals of mutual self-destruction while outside a sweet wind blows through the trees?
Cause I see two wolves fighting in my heart, one vengeful and the other compassionate.
Which one will I feed today?
Will I behave as if the god in all of life matters?
Or will I come after you, blaming and accusing?
Which one will I feed today?"
fuck yea, right?
well, I think its clever, and thoughtful.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
alrighty... next:
(if you're a bit winded, you might take a break... the next one is hellza long)
My dear Uncle David certainly has a knack for thinking and words and putting those two things together. oh, and putting his words to the brilliant photographs he takes whilst simultaneously giving a lecture and changing the way the whole world thinks about building codes... but i'll save that for later. tonight, as i was getting concerned whether or not i would be able to sleep with so much on my mind, he posted something that determined solidly that no, i won't be sleeping for a while. hence me being up at 1 again, after six hours of restless sleep last night and a big day today (I went upstairs! I left the house for like an hour! AND I engaged with a whole family of new people who Becca brought to dinner. seriously... just that and it was like 100x more commotion than i've been having the past few days. besides getting sick a bunch. ick). actually though, all kidding aside, it was a big day... emotionally mostly, and i really appreciated the commentary David reposted, which he had written shortly after this day in 2001. If nothing else, read the poem at the end.
"Dear friends
First I want to say that it is rare that I am moved to send out messages to so many of my friends at once. I hope this does not offend any of you, but it is sent with heartfelt sympathy and sorrow for everyone affected by the tragedy of September 11th and its aftermath. I wrote the piece below over the past few days and decided, because of the response that I got from the people that I sent it to initially, to share it more widely. And I also wanted to preface it with some thoughts about the current situation.
These are hard times for anyone who has a larger context than what one could get from the mainstream media or official reports through which to contemplate the events of the past four weeks. Everyone I know is struggling to deal with the aftermath. Many of us are especially challenged to deal with our distrust for the current administration, their motives, underlying agenda, and the very paradigm from which they operate. Like so many others I also have felt the full range of emotions from pride and admiration for the courage, kindness, and generosity of so many people in this country (the basis for a very different kind of feeling for what is great about this country than the uncritical flag-waving, sabre-rattling variety that seems to dominate right now), to dismay, horror, and outrage at the way many of the leaders of our country have responded to the unfolding of events.
The past week or so I find myself coping with more and more sorrow and anger. Much of it relates to the outrage directed at people who are seeking and speaking the truth about our real history and the degree to which the situation in which we find ourselves today is related to long-standing policies of our own government, which often have often been lawless, violent, and anti-democratic. It would appear that the worst aspects of this country emerge along with the best at times of crisis, and so today anyone who does not stand 100% with our leaders can be called a traitor or at the very least unpatriotic and not deserving of a public voice. Nonetheless, the truth remains that the U.S. has had a huge hand in creating the world that we now must all live in - that is undeniably true. And this level of fear and vulnerability is only new to people on these shores, not to most of the world. And those who benefit from the restraint of civic discourse, freedom of information, and the militarization of the nation are scrambling to consolidiate and institutionalize their gains under the cloak of bipartisanship and the need for us to forever be a nation living in fear.
It is as though no one can speak these truths without being accused of excusing or justifying or rationalizing the horrendous crimes against humanity that were carried out on the 11th. This is an enormous and critical distortion of the truth. There are no excuses. None. Not for the acts of those who perpetrated these most recent crimes, nor for the terrorism that the U.S. and the ruthless regimes that we have supported around the world have inflicted upon the millions of innocent citizens of those other countries. And this also does not deny or excuse the atrocities carried out by some of our enemies over the years. Atrocities are atrocities regardless of the goodness of the cause for which they are committed or the self-righteousness of the people who commit them.
I find it astonishing that the same people who are now accusing those who point out the truth about U.S. foreign policy today, can't see the duplicity of their arguments as they rationalize and justify and excuse U.S.-sponsored terrorism elsewhere in the world. People who commit crimes against humanity must be brought to justice. If we are in fact a nation of laws, not of men, as we claim, we would seek no other outcome. One need only look at our new Ambassador to the UN to understand the mindset and lack of integrity of our current administration in the area of human rights abuses or acts of state sponsored terror. What is needed if we are to ever overcome the cycles of violence we seem so committed to perpetuating are strong and truly international institutions of law and justice to which every nation, no matter how weak or powerful are accountable. Acting unilaterally by declaring war against a small group of fanatics rather than dealing with this as a crime against humanity and all nations, requiring a truly international response only fertilizes the ground for the growth of future terrorism.
What I wrote, below, is just a personal outpouring of what I have been feeling and thinking over these past few weeks. And of my conviction that it is only through embracing the pain and sorrow and anger and disappointment and reality - including our own complicity in these things - that we can begin to find a way out. And also from my belief that it is gratitude, compassion, and love, not fear, greed, anger or hatred that can lead us from a place of such awesome despair and danger.
I send this with hopes for a growing movement that values all life and moves to undermine the paradigms and politics of consolidated power, wealth, and control over those of shared power, wealth, and restraint and the understanding that freedoms and rights are accompanied by responsibilities and obligations that transcend private, personal interests. We need to strongly stand up for our civil liberties, including our right to know what our government is doing in our name and with our taxes and in its international agreements. We need to make continually clear to our elected representatives that we will hold them accountable for what they do, whether committing further atrocities in other lands, giving away our rights of economic and political sovereignty to global trade and investment cartels, or taking away our rights such as freedom of speech, or assembly, or the right to dissent and protest without being labeled a terrorist (check out this FBI website to see if you might actually be a terrorist yourself by the FBI's definition: http://www.fbi.gov/congress/congress01/freeh051001.htm>http://www.fbi.gov/congress/congress01/freeh051001.htm).
A key issue that we must address, if we are not to see a spiraling increase in such violence and social chaos around the world and at home, is corporate globalization and market fundamentalism. If you don't understand what is at stake, please read False Dawn by John Gray, and start doing some research into NAFTA, WTO, FTAA, MAI and what they represent in terms of the destruction of social fabric, local economies, and political freedoms, all to be sacrificed to the idea that corporate profits and the pursuit of the highest return on investment is always the highest good. Our leaders have placed our communities, our local, regional and national economies, and all of our laws for public health, safety and welfare in absolute jeopardy out of the insane rejection of the idea of the commons - of a public good superceding private good. The people behind the "wise use" movement - who proposed that every law or regulation that restricts the rights of individuals to maximize their profits - whether potential, imagined, or real - is a governmental "taking" and therefore creates a requirement for compensation for any conceivable loss of opportunity or potential profit - these are the people who are negotiating our global trade and investment agreements. This principle was written into NAFTA and it is embedded in the paradigm of WTO and all the international agreements on free trade and investment. The lawsuits are already being filed and won in NAFTA's private tribunals. This will ultimately result in the shredding of the fabric of civil society and result in tremendous chaos here and abroad. If we think our past policies have created opportunities for terrorists to vilify the US, just wait…. We don't appear to have real leaders. Few of our politicians have clue what they have created. Those that do and still support free trade over fair trade, and property rights over life, should not be given power over anything.
We have our own fundamentalists here, but what they believe in is the market and multinational corporate power. There is much work to be done and the first step is being awake. But most important is that we understand that we are not alone and we are not powerless. Our voices need to be heard and those of us that know and understand what is being done have an obligation to become the leaders that we apparently don't have today.
I am sending this to you because I count you among my friends and deeply value that friendship and the values that we share. It is sent with my blessings and with a loving and open heart.
After Math
I'm almost embarrassed to share
This experience
Too full of emotion
Anger, hope, fear and sorrow
I felt the need to write
And somehow started thinking
About the word "Aftermath"
About the after math
The calculus after disaster
The area under the curve
Under the arc of consequences
Not at all those that we had in mind
But I felt the need to know the numbers
To be able to start to write
So I spent an hour, perhaps more
In internet info searching mode
How many dead now, which ones where?
How many missing?
By who's count?
From what countries of origin?
From what companies?
How many were firemen?
Policemen or Port Authority?
What about at the Pentagon?
Or on the plane in Pennsylvania?
And then I noticed all at once
That I had totally succumbed
To the effects of the numbers
I found I was stunningly numbed
And I thought - Did anyone get it?
When they invented this word?
Numb-er?
That that is what they so often are?
Doesn't anyone notice how effective are these symbols
At dulling the pain?
Dulling the senses?
Dulling the sense?
In my numbness I tried to write
But words and figures were just more symbols on the screen
What do these things mean?
5000, 6000, 7000 dead here, 500,000 starved children in Iraq
How many in Afganistan?
Or was that the number in Nicaragua? Why am I still feeling no pain?
And what about the first $40 billion of disaster recovery money?
To begin our journey back to September 10th
Will that not bring a lot of relief?
It's a little more than $6.50 for every human on earth
I know, it's just for us, spelled U. S.
The special four percent of the humans.
I know, actually it's only for a small percentage
Of that special four percent
But are these the only people who need relief?
But who's counting anyway?
And just what are we going to count?
Who counts?
What counts?
When did we last think
That measuring the right thing roughly is far better
Than measuring the wrong thing with great accuracy?
How do we begin when we don't have a clue
About the worth of any person?
One here is worth many there.
Because lives are obviously so much bigger
The closer they are to the observer
How can we solve for so many unknowns
When we officially don't care about
The value of each strand in the web of life?
The identity of all of our relations?
The consequences of our actions?
When we would rather ignore or suppress
The depth of our pain
The power of our love
The heat of our passion
The taste of our grief
The intensity of our despair
The value of the lives of the victims of our vengeance
The number of things left unsaid, undone
The weight of memories that are all that remain
The length of our mourning
This is not a test
This is a real emergency
Had this been a test
You would have been instructed
To return to the status quo without thinking
But this is a real emergency
And what is emerging is a calling
We are now called to show up
We are now called to do our home-work
We are now called to learn our real history
We are now called to understand
We are now called to demand to know
What our leaders do in our name
We are now called to become leaders
We are now called to wake each other up
We are now called to see ourselves
As the whole world sees us
The whole world
Not just the human beings present today
Not just human ancestors and future human beings
But all beings of every species
With whom we share this world
And we must also see
That it is in this awareness
And in our willingness to experience all these things
That we will find the only authentic power that exists
Power that is for life
We must remember
To call each other and ourselves to truth
To call each other and ourselves to compassion
To call each other and ourselves to loving kindness
And to call each other and ourselves
To keep our eyes open
To keep our hearts open
To keep our minds open
And to remember each other
And to remember as we deal with the aftermath
That gratitude is the first step
In every solution"
-David Eisenberg
went really well. Chi thinks I could be off the crutches and out of the cast in 2 weeks instead of 6. Suweeet. He also told my mom that if I hadn't gotten the surgery now it would only be a matter of time before I would have needed it if I wanted to keep active in my life. So it was not gonna heal fully by itself, but apparently the surgery did the trick. He said there is pretty much nothing I could do to blow it out again if I let it heal right during my recovery period. :)
This was the blessing Kaleigh (cabin leader for cabin 5) read before bed each night. Don't know who wrote it but its a good thing to go to sleep to.
May you be blessed with discomfort
at easy answers, half-truths, and
superficial relationships, so that
you will live deep in your heart.
May you be blessed with anger
at injustice, oppression, and
exploitation of people and the earth
so that you will work for justice,
equity, and peace.
May you be blessed with tears
to shed for those who suffer
so you will reach out your hands
to comfort them and
change their pain into joy.
And may you be blessed with the foolishness
to think that you can make a difference in the world
so you will do the things which others say cannot be done.
http://crios.info/2007/08/31/kinemortophobia/
It actually brought tears to my eyes to know that other people struggle with this. I've been doing a lot better lately, but was thinking at camp that I must be ridiculous for having a crippling fear of something that I've never seen with my own eyes --something that, in all likelihood, nobody else has either. I've thought and talked and wrote about it a lot, and have explored many different aspects of my life that the fear could represent (especially as it manifests in my dreams), but sometimes it feels so literal, like when I am woken up in West Virginia during a lightning storm and have to walk from the cabin to the bathroom to pee and all I can think about is how I am going to deal with a zombie encounter. How will I avoid getting bitten? How will I avoid death? I mean, in the moment like that, metaphorical explanations don't even make sense. Its a literal fear. Obviously there are societal parallels which explain why I wouldn't want to be "bitten" and become a "zombie," but its simpler...er, more straightforward than that at the same time. I guess in those scenarios its like I actually believe they are physically around me somewhere and that I am going to encounter them and that I am going to have to run.
Anyway... It makes me feel less idiotic reading that so many other people have the same modes of thought and the same sort of consciousness about it.
How did I get to thinking about that tonight?
Well, watching Design E^2 reminded me of Matt cause it is his copy of the movie. Then I went to send him a message asking how he's been doing. After I did that I was thinking about what Tyler said the other day when we were fighting. I asked him when I ever completely dropped anyone from my life? He said "when was the last time you talked to Matt?" Ouch. So I was thinking about that and wondering why we stopped talking (aside from busy schedules, heartbreak, and general discomfort). Thanks to facebook I could easily look at our entire message history, which reminded me of how close he and I were for so long. And now, not at all? Its just weird. That sort of break really hasn't happened permanently between me and anyone else that has been such a big part of my life. I guess it just got tainted by certain things that I didn't want to deal with. But its really bugging me now because...he pretty much saved my life. Mmm, more thinking on this later.
Anyway, so I was reading through our message history and I came across a time when I referenced my blog. Reading that got me curious about that period of my life so I went back to read some and came across this post with the title: Kinemortophobia. All the post said was "the name of the fear" and I remembered that I had never actually researched what other people said about it. So here I am.
Right after the zombie post there was a long one --an angry reflective one. There is something about Rachels...3 people who have DEEPLY touched my life without me even really knowing them have been Rachels. Rachel means "one with purity."
Some of the other posts were super intense to look at. I mean, the 6 months leading up to high school graduation it was like I was peaking over a precipice, loaded with anticipation, trying to enjoy the view from where I was (still climbing though) and really just wanting to get the damn rappel over with. Matt was my rope so even if I jumped off, gave up, I'd be okay. The couple months leading up to college... man, some of that stuff blows me away. I can't believe I was the one who wrote those things, or thought them at all. My 18 year old self is firing me up, and humbling me too.
oh shit. its 1. need to sleep. need to eat
look at this... a whole entire new blog post!
Got to see Vienna today. Dana tomorrow. Wonderful people who inspire me! Caitlin soon, Madelyn again soon. So many beautiful people!
MRI results tomorrow too :/
And Cameron :)
It actually brought tears to my eyes to know that other people struggle with this. I've been doing a lot better lately, but was thinking at camp that I must be ridiculous for having a crippling fear of something that I've never seen with my own eyes --something that, in all likelihood, nobody else has either. I've thought and talked and wrote about it a lot, and have explored many different aspects of my life that the fear could represent (especially as it manifests in my dreams), but sometimes it feels so literal, like when I am woken up in West Virginia during a lightning storm and have to walk from the cabin to the bathroom to pee and all I can think about is how I am going to deal with a zombie encounter. How will I avoid getting bitten? How will I avoid death? I mean, in the moment like that, metaphorical explanations don't even make sense. Its a literal fear. Obviously there are societal parallels which explain why I wouldn't want to be "bitten" and become a "zombie," but its simpler...er, more straightforward than that at the same time. I guess in those scenarios its like I actually believe they are physically around me somewhere and that I am going to encounter them and that I am going to have to run.
Anyway... It makes me feel less idiotic reading that so many other people have the same modes of thought and the same sort of consciousness about it.
How did I get to thinking about that tonight?
Well, watching Design E^2 reminded me of Matt cause it is his copy of the movie. Then I went to send him a message asking how he's been doing. After I did that I was thinking about what Tyler said the other day when we were fighting. I asked him when I ever completely dropped anyone from my life? He said "when was the last time you talked to Matt?" Ouch. So I was thinking about that and wondering why we stopped talking (aside from busy schedules, heartbreak, and general discomfort). Thanks to facebook I could easily look at our entire message history, which reminded me of how close he and I were for so long. And now, not at all? Its just weird. That sort of break really hasn't happened permanently between me and anyone else that has been such a big part of my life. I guess it just got tainted by certain things that I didn't want to deal with. But its really bugging me now because...he pretty much saved my life. Mmm, more thinking on this later.
Anyway, so I was reading through our message history and I came across a time when I referenced my blog. Reading that got me curious about that period of my life so I went back to read some and came across this post with the title: Kinemortophobia. All the post said was "the name of the fear" and I remembered that I had never actually researched what other people said about it. So here I am.
Right after the zombie post there was a long one --an angry reflective one. There is something about Rachels...3 people who have DEEPLY touched my life without me even really knowing them have been Rachels. Rachel means "one with purity."
Some of the other posts were super intense to look at. I mean, the 6 months leading up to high school graduation it was like I was peaking over a precipice, loaded with anticipation, trying to enjoy the view from where I was (still climbing though) and really just wanting to get the damn rappel over with. Matt was my rope so even if I jumped off, gave up, I'd be okay. The couple months leading up to college... man, some of that stuff blows me away. I can't believe I was the one who wrote those things, or thought them at all. My 18 year old self is firing me up, and humbling me too.
oh shit. its 1. need to sleep. need to eat
look at this... a whole entire new blog post!
Got to see Vienna today. Dana tomorrow. Wonderful people who inspire me! Caitlin soon, Madelyn again soon. So many beautiful people!
MRI results tomorrow too :/
And Cameron :)
to read all of these! just watched part of the documentary today... geeking out so hard right now now on design/build.
http://basic.redclaycms.com/Resources/Books_and_Media.htm
http://basic.redclaycms.com/Resources/Books_and_Media.htm
my friends are having babies...
weirrrd
weirrrd
http://evergreen.edu/catalog/2011-12/programs/shakespearesamerica-1022
http://evergreen.edu/catalog/2011-12/programs/suburbannation-7451
http://evergreen.edu/catalog/2011-12/programs/watermicrobesandenergysustainablesolutions-1333
http://evergreen.edu/catalog/2011-12/programs/individualstudyindividualmusicinstruction-7911
http://evergreen.edu/catalog/2011-12/programs/medicinalbotanyanintroduction-7899
http://evergreen.edu/catalog/2011-12/programs/energysystemsandclimatechange-1526
http://evergreen.edu/catalog/2011-12/programs/thefungalkingdom-7923
"dirty
alive, surviving
but for the next hundred footsteps,
thriving.
magic might be the word,
so why not the world?
quite a bit of black, such a colorful evening
twin body, sister planet
no color so scary
if you keep your eyes breathing.
this rock sprouts talk--sit.
they're roots, too
not mine, not you,
what is six, what is two?
imagine us, the charcoal's pit.
dust, smiles,
god has a child's
teeth.
a color in your eyes' sides
leads you to a hill
the greenest, fluid, widest pill
a circle's moment makes us still.
wonder back
run to where you're getting
nothing tells me i haven't been here
i couldn't overlook a being
a shapeless ring, these spinning things.
get carried away
save a sunset--they can't begin,
their endings as solid as the original wind.
filter perfect, skyward clean
the unheard of, heard of, numbing dream. "
-Alicia Capp
but its all i know
