"Down to the downtown
Down to the lock down boards
Nails lie around

I crouch like a crow
Contrasting the snow
For the agony, I'd rather know
'Cause blinded I am blindsided

Peek in
Into the peer in
I'm not really like this
I'm probably plightless

I cup the window
I'm crippled and slow
For the agony
I'd rather know
'Cause blinded I am blindsided

Would you really rush out?
Would you really rush out?
Would you really rush out, for me now?
Would you really rush out?
Would you really rush out, for me now?
Would you really rush out, for me now?
Would you really rush out, for me now?
Would you really rush out, for me now?
For me now
For me now

Taught line
Down to the shoreline
The end of a blood line
The moon is a cold light

There's a pull to the flow
My feet melt the snow
For the irony I'd rather know
'Cause blinded I was blindsided
'Cause blinded I was blindsided"

"I'm reading "Iran Awakening" for my gender and politics class, and it's author Shirin Ebadi is just so... You.
The way she gets pissed people who blindly obey... The way she acts as though common sense and morality should always override the actual legal tenants... The way she writes about how she can't stand to write to her friends whom have left Iran, not because she has forgotten them, but because of how she remembers too well the way things were with them... Every sentence she writes i can't help looking at through your eyes, so much to the point that it's almost painful. She reacts to the events of oppression in ways that i would almost guarantee you would... She fights, and doesn't stop, even when most overwhelmed. And then i find my mind wandering and putting you in her place. Your face down among the many who can't comprehend the brutality of their state, the ludicrous nature of the laws being put forth. Your form, hunkering down in a small house with gunfire and explosions racking the buildings, lighting candles, silently singing and trying to take care of all those around you...

Hah, funny. My grandma just told me that "reading can't hurt you"
I only nodded, but i know better.
Reading, art and creativity, has hurt me more than any physical pain ever will.
I'm sure you feel similar... and we both know it's something that they will never understand."

------------------------------------

always interesting to see yourself through the eyes of another.

listening to music on the "Kids Fuck to Dubstep" website and trying to motivate myself to do work.

worked my hands raw on that V2+ at the Warehouse tonight. Did not finish it, and they will be clean-sweeping the cave tomorrow apparently. if i had one more week i coulda done it. i hate it when climbing is more frustrating than relaxing. I don't like getting so angry working on a project. Ah well, it was the first time I have really had a realistic horizontal route to work on, and I did well for that. and I finished the majority of other routes i attempted.

i probably have something actually important to express, but can't access it now.

I was talking to Marissa last night at Marissa L's and she said:
"sometimes I will just google 'whales' and look at pictures of them for hours."
yes! i am not the only one.

i felt refreshed being there, enjoyed good food (such a rare occasion, it seems), and laughed hysterically at card games.


deep quiet today. it seems everyone is at the solidarity rally and not anywhere on or near campus. i feel this immense space right now that's all mine for a while. if the wind weren't blowing i might think that time had stopped. no sounds or movement at all. i've been waiting for this to come; our ears take in so much information over most of every day. i am enjoying the simplicity of that information right now. except, obviously, the tapping of the keys here. in between though, silence. i could write in my journal but i have been finding myself staring at the blank page so long.


this silence is a shock to my system like so many other recent occurrences.


music. the only music i can handle recently has been soft and acoustic for the most part, and then occasionally my typical ultra hard and electronic. nothing in between really. its been my emotions too; i been consistently wound up or down to an excess.

---------------------------------

my computer got a virus today in the middle of my writing, so now it is hours later and i am about to go climbing.

The second half of class was canceled due to the snow. The snowwwwww.



I just went back in my blog and read last February and March. So dark. The difference a year can make. I never believed I could be happy.

I've been trying to write this blog for an hour, but I don't even know what I want to say. Just feeling expressive, I suppose.

Maybe, sometimes what I need instead of writing is reading what I once expressed.



"Go tell the night, you can tell the night when we're through."

i am probably being overly defensive
but i don't know how to fully trust right now

I'm afraid
everyone is going to change their minds after a night.
or lie about who they are.
or manipulate.

this fear has re-emerged in me in the past two days...
it was the wedding, i think.

i am bad at keeping people at arms length. my arms are too short and people can still reach my heart. and i am fucking terrified of what they might do with it.

Tomorrow is going to be hard for me...
I am excited to be with my whole family, but I wish it was just going to be my family. I'm probably just having a bad attitude about this whole thing.

I am home. Yesterday I caught a ride with Ben J who was visiting his brother at Evergreen. Their grandmother passed away yesterday and Ben was headed home to an empty house, so I invited him to stay over. When we got to the valley he and I went out to dinner at Los Cabos and humiliated ourselves with pathetic attempts to speak in Spanish to the waiters. For the rest of the night we sipped hot chocolate, and played the guiter and tried to figure out how to restring the banjo, introduced each other to new music, joked about making a band called "Ben Joselyn Dropped Out," and talked about life. I was glad to spend the time with him, and more glad he didn't have to be alone.
He left early to see Emily. I slept late.

When I finally got up and saw the sun I was determined to go climbing. I grabbed my clothes for the wedding and my climbing shoes, and caught a ride into town with Dad. It was freezing at the feature and I had to stay sun-side for a while. Once I did some traverses and warmed up I felt great. I relish that mode I can get into when my fingers are numb from being cold and it feels like I can pretty much hold anything (even though I keep slipping off). I felt pumped up and so glad to be outside. I had the place to myself for a while, until these two guys came over and I sorta recognized one from Mount Si. Turns out it was Trey and Baly Botten, two of Cody Botten's brothers. I felt oddly privileged to meet them and was glad to see them being happy. We worked on a couple routes together and they went insanely high for not having any ropes. When the sun fell behind the hills it was too cold to climb anymore. As I began walking I realized that I probably shouldn't have worn Chaco's. Note to self: "Sun does not mean summer! Wear socks in February."

I walked to Ben's because I really wanted to see Emily who was also visiting the valley this weekend. I put on Nellie's UGG boots to keep my feet warm. I couldn't believe they fit (she is all grown up, and apparently has a boyfriend too. Oh, being 13). Ben, Em and I went on a quest for tracing velum and margarita mix. Saw the pink lady that use to stalk me and Tony. Saw Cynthia Jane and talked about how my flower-stunt went over. When I realized how little time I had to be at Dave and Cheryls to leave for the wedding we ran back to Ben's to grab my stuff and I scarfed a Peanut Butter and Chocolate Chip sandwich. I hopped across the street to Dave's and changed in the car.

The wedding.... Lets skip that part. The reception was fun. I loved catching up with Ashley and meeting her boyfri....husband. We danced together and I was reminded me of all our old dance parties summer after tenth grade. I can't believe she's married now. Anyway, the DJ did a bunch of couple-y dances (duh, its a wedding... but I was hellza bored because the only people I knew there were couples). Needless to say I was stoked when Single Ladies came on and I immediately rushed to the center of the dance floor where I danced and sang. The music cut and there was a countdown. I was standing right where the bouquet was thrown. All I had to do was make an epic keeper save on my tiptoes to catch it. Look... it was an effort for Nate's sake who begged Dave and Cheryl to stop suggesting that Annie be the one to catch it. Anyway I thought it was hilarious, especially because people took it so seriously afterwards. Ahh well, at least now that superstition will be laid to rest. I might have to gag myself later for saying this but I felt pretty special... *cringe* nevermind that.
Oh donny... I must have had too much sugar. But there was chocolate chip cookies and a fondue fountain so it was all justified I suppose.

I didn't think I would feel glad to have gone to the wedding, but I do. I am happy to have been there for her, and to have had that time with her, and to see her so happy.

when he said "and a little bit of sadness" i could feel the inevitable sorrows of life peaking through the beautiful clouds, as sunlit truth. a warm wash that allows for comparison, to make the richness of chocolate cream sink a bit further into our tongues, and let our own lives mutually sink a bit further into the sand. we suddenly feel the rawness of other emotions. it is only a glimpse and as we lay back in muted light we let the color step inside our eyes, the music in our minds, and we slide into the night for a soft sleep where the weight of life and death is floated from our consciousness. it is the highest peace to hope for in these times when foundations liquefy into questions. memory will be salvation from aimless wander, and i can hold yours for tonight my friend.

nothing out of the ordinary.

So... I don't have mono, which is awesome. But what the heck is wrong with me then?

may prove to be my greatest adversary. projects due 3 days in a row. scholarships due one of those days. time sheets due. rent due. sleep long overdue. class time. work time. climbing/sanity time? and my brain is already quitting cause I just haven't given it a break. writing tonight is not happening. although, if i fail at everything else i am probably a contender for the world's greatest editor, so at least i won't starve.

I'm sick of people talking about how family values/structure and the marriage covenant is being broken because of "gays" and "liberals." Marriage has proven its failure on its own. And family? When adult siblings in "traditional families" can actually work through their differences and be civil to each other then maybe I will see what the big deal is with "traditional family" structure. I just don't understand why so many people are scrambling to protect something that doesn't really exist. Okay, that's obviously an exaggeration. And I know all this sounds fucked up coming from me, especially since my family has created the strongest bond between 5 people I have ever witnessed. I guess I don't mean to say that I have a problem with marriage or this idea of family, but I do have a problem with people thinking its the only way to live and trying to prevent others from branching out. There is no reason to force anyone to live under that structure when there are so many issues with it, and on such a large scale.

Hmm, I still feel like typing...
I guess I will just write about my day.

Had lecture and seminar. Seminar has been great these past two weeks, at least for me. Some of the discussion is dry but there have been really great connections made and I feel like I've been learning a great deal. I also gotta say, I love Aubrie. We've been working together in studio group since the beginning of last quarter and she is brilliant, vibrant and so awesome to work with. I will miss her when she leaves for Texas to go to grad school, but I know she is going to do such great things for the world its hard for me to be too sad about it. She and I are interested in similar techniques for dealing with social issues but also seem to balance each other out. I love that we both geek out about city planning stuff which we did for a bit after seminar today.

A bit later when I got home, Austin invited me to go climbing with he and Ross. We hit the gym for an hour but they got worn out fast, and I had to catch the bus to go to the Writing Center pizza party at Vic's. At the party I talked to people from the center who I hadn't interacted with much before; wonderful people who have so much passion for what they do and compassion for the people involved. I am overwhelmed by the love and intention that exists in our community of tutors/writers/dreamers/doers. The time together was great but everyone trickled out without a word about bowling. Soon enough it was just Cameron and I talking about our respective experiences in Peru, and Sandy and Michael joking about their business. We parted ways from them and went to the bus stop where we both awkwardly mused about how boring it would be to go home, so we decided to just go bowling together. There was a bit of a wait at the alley and the guy at the counter sent us to the bar saying the time would pass quicker if we just had a couple drinks. Cameron and I had just been talking about how I don't drink but we laughed our way to the bar where we sat down, declined drinks, watched the bartender do some tricks, and played a game with a ripped up coaster. Then we went bowling. Not the best of my games, particularly because of my ankle so Cameron taught me some different ways to stand when I throw the ball, but I often ended up defaulting to throwing it backwards through my legs (which was surprisingly fairly successful). After our games, we ran into a group of Andean Root-ers and Ben, and then Maddie, but instead of following her to the dubstep show, we sat at the bus stop and talked for what felt like hours until the bus came. Coulda sat there all night talking though.

When I got home... I don't know how to explain what happened, but basically I got really freaked out by my housemate. I got up to my room but couldn't relax. I had an intense feeling that something bad was about to happen either to me or to him. Nervously I went down to talk to him and we ended up having a really nice conversation, at the end of which he said he felt better. It was the longest talk we've ever had and I am glad to have finally gotten to know him. He also told me that our other housemate is moving out after February, so now I'm on the watch for someone to take his place.

Hmm, I think the theme today is conversation. The synapses that can manifest or show themselves between one another sometimes seem infinite. But so often I feel like we just don't listen enough. People enter a conversation with an agenda, and so often it would be better if we just threw that to the wind. This would help us listen with more intention and be more reflective about what we say before we say it.
We need to think about the kind of person we are, what kind of expectations we have, and how to open ourselves up to the possibility that the other person will conflict with us. And then, we need to listen to them to find out who they are. We need to be self-accountable. We need to learn the art of non-violent communication. We need to recognize the power of our ability to express what we feel to one another. We need to learn how to lay our walls down, lay our arms down, and have CONVERSATIONS. We need to respond to what the other person/people is/are saying by being thoughtful about the emotions involved on either side. And these interactions through words can't be the only basis of relationship. There has to be action too. The way someone treats a conversation with me is important to me. And I have been making an effort to converse in these ways that allows less to fall through the cracks. Conversation can open up doors. Can it slam them shut too?

Oh, one of the things Cameron and I were talking about is the idea of poly-amorous relationships. It seems healthier to me to be in relationships with multiple people and talking about it, than to be in a relationship with a single person and not talk about your feelings of wanting to be with other people. (What's that one Savage Garden lyric? "I believe that trust is more important than monogamy.") That's why I don't care about the stigma around it and I am interested in trying it out eventually; if the situation is right and everyone has talked clearly and reached a mutual understand of the relationship dynamics, then why not? The problem arises when people don't say how they feel, and when someone won't listen or be accountable for how their actions might affect another. But that's when any relationship stops being effective.

Ok. Have had my fix of typing. Don't know why it's so therapeutic to just outlet like this. Maybe its just the ability to focus on something without expectations about what it has to be. The rest of this weekend is about expectations and time lines. ...And family! Because I'm going to see them tomorrow!

I know the world is constantly in flux, but its been more noticeable lately.

Life's been hard these past few weeks, but its been better. Things have been happening that have shifted everything from beneath me. The intensity of the shift has me shaken but as I wander on this new piece of ground, I am finding things I like, things I have been looking for. Possibilities. People. Old things I thought were lost, and new things I didn't know to exist.


Today and yesterday have surely thrown me for a loop. A positive one mostly, even though yesterday sucked. It was just about perspective, I guess. And its okay, I just need to do what I need to do. And what I need to do is good. I am so lucky: I get to be in school, have a job in a shitty economy, have the opportunity to have someone give me money to go somewhere. Its fills out my days working on all of this, but I need to stop thinking about it "taking time." It isn't. It is how I am spending my life. Again, I am so lucky. I get to choose how to spend my time. This is what I choose. I should be happy about it, and I am. I am tired, but that's because I am working hard. I'm doing positive things for myself AND for the world.

And... I am making new friends, finding new things I like to do, and discovering new ways to be in the world.

"She's amazing. If you don't believe me check her skeechbook!"
-Tyler, impersonating Nelson.

it has to be possible to be a vegetarian and a successful climber at the same time.
but not if i don't have time to feed myself well everyday, or climb frequently enough to keep in shape.
but i might as well cut out half of my heart if i had to give up one or the other. and being mediocre on both is hell too.

whatever... it was just a bad day.
that's what i have to think.

I could honestly write an essay about the conflict between my stack of work and my frame of time. That would be quite counter-productive, and I already know I'm preaching to the choir; time is in constant demand. I should just submit myself to this week of looking and feeling like a zombie. Hopefully my effort will start equating to progress. I've been running up hill and not getting anywhere. No. I've been running up hill and it keeps getting taller.

"What?! I like T-Pain!"

-Tyler

hahahahahahahhahaha

we must reveal our faces to show that we love.