shifts

i'm done with this blog. maybe blogging at all. dunno. not feelin it lately

My solo self-eval workshop yesterday was boss. 7 people was a good size for me and they were all first-time eval-writers so I pretty much couldn't go wrong.

-----------------------------------------------------

I wish I had the guts to try out for Romeo and Juliet. If it was Hamlet, you know I'd be all over that audition.

-----------------------------------------------

"Stars, hide your fires; these here are my desires and I won't give up them up to you this time around. And so, I'll be found with a stake stuck in the ground, marking the territory of this newly impassioned soul." (Mumford&Sons, duh).

-----------------------------------------------------

Carolyn thinks I should document what I ate today:
a bagel
a fruit leather
a piece of pizza
a bowl of cereal
half a granola bar
a couple bites of sorbet
a couple bites of lentil soup

-------------------------------------------------------

apparently my crash pad came in the mail at home!

------------------------------------------------------

I may actually be part-time photographer and part-time climbing assistant this summer, according to Josh. STOKE

-------------------------------------------------------

WHY CAN'T I FOCUS?!

-----------------------------------------------------

Carolyn is going to bring me to foooooooood.

----------------------------------------------

Where's my wallet?!?
Found a clifbar while looking though.

-------------------------------------------

found my wallet.



I clearly need to do some substantial writing or else I wouldn't have gotten on my blog so often throughout the day and ended up with nothing legitimate to show for it.

I guess this is what happens when I have actual writing to do.
Inkwell
Eval
Worklog
Architect's Blog
Tutoring reflection

(at least I compiled my portfolio for the most part)

Tonight I am going to have to make a decision about NYSC. I called Madelyn for advice about it. She reminded me that last year I had expressed to her my frustration of always feeling distanced from the delegates because I my lens was always between us; because I was often supposed to act invisible in order to get candid shots. She encouraged me to be confident in my ability to be climbing assistant. While I am tempted to stay with what I know I can excel in, she may have convinced me to take the chance. How could I go wrong being involved with climbing all summer anyway?

It's Tony's birthday today. He's been in more contact with me lately. I enjoy knowing that he still values a friendship between us.

Apparently there is something going on at home right now. Mom's going to call me soon. I will feel better when I know nothing bad happened...

Dear Alex,

You are crazy if you think you can spontaneously sign up for a design-build course costing a couple thousand dollars and spanning the entirety of spring break, to construct a tree house in MEXICO.

Love,
Reality



Am I though? It sounds so perfect...
http://rawdesignbuild.com/workshops/oaxaca_2011/

tonight and tomorrow night is all the time I have left to finished the SketchUp assignment of designing and "building" a climate-sensitive house.
eww
I don't want to think about that anymore, and I reaaaaaaaally hate drawing in SketchUp... under a deadline, at least.

Josh called me twice yesterday about camp positions. He gave away that they were considering me for climbing assistant!! and photographer. I called him this morning to see what further info he needed and he asked if I had lead-climbing experience. I said no, none. And not much top-roping either. So I pretty much thought that was a bust. But I got an email this afternoon saying that I was being offered either position! Shouldn't be a hard choice, right? I'd love to eat, sleep, and breathe climbing for a month and a half but I'd have to be in West Virginia June 16th, two weeks earlier than otherwise, AND wouldn't get to go to fly-in. Oh, and can you say "belay-bitch"? Even still... CLIMBING ASSISTANT!!??!? No computer obligations. No sitting in the office on sunny days. And even if I don't climb every day I will still get to work with people who are climbing. And I will be out of camp a lot, and I could still take some pictures, and I wouldn't have to do the Dow Tour. Of I could do what I know how to do, what I feel comfortable with, what I did well enough last time that they want me to do again; take pictures 24-7, be called a creeper by all the delegates cause I have to document them doing EVERYTHING.
Oh pros and cons....
I know where my heart is on this, I am just afraid of it. My decision needs to be made a week from yesterday.

ok, enough fantasizing. back to making a model of something that will never actually exist.

"love will not betray, dismay, or enslave you; it will set you free, to be more like the man you were made to be. there is a design, an alignment, a cry of my heart to see the beauty of love as it was made to be."

"Down to the downtown
Down to the lock down boards
Nails lie around

I crouch like a crow
Contrasting the snow
For the agony, I'd rather know
'Cause blinded I am blindsided

Peek in
Into the peer in
I'm not really like this
I'm probably plightless

I cup the window
I'm crippled and slow
For the agony
I'd rather know
'Cause blinded I am blindsided

Would you really rush out?
Would you really rush out?
Would you really rush out, for me now?
Would you really rush out?
Would you really rush out, for me now?
Would you really rush out, for me now?
Would you really rush out, for me now?
Would you really rush out, for me now?
For me now
For me now

Taught line
Down to the shoreline
The end of a blood line
The moon is a cold light

There's a pull to the flow
My feet melt the snow
For the irony I'd rather know
'Cause blinded I was blindsided
'Cause blinded I was blindsided"

"I'm reading "Iran Awakening" for my gender and politics class, and it's author Shirin Ebadi is just so... You.
The way she gets pissed people who blindly obey... The way she acts as though common sense and morality should always override the actual legal tenants... The way she writes about how she can't stand to write to her friends whom have left Iran, not because she has forgotten them, but because of how she remembers too well the way things were with them... Every sentence she writes i can't help looking at through your eyes, so much to the point that it's almost painful. She reacts to the events of oppression in ways that i would almost guarantee you would... She fights, and doesn't stop, even when most overwhelmed. And then i find my mind wandering and putting you in her place. Your face down among the many who can't comprehend the brutality of their state, the ludicrous nature of the laws being put forth. Your form, hunkering down in a small house with gunfire and explosions racking the buildings, lighting candles, silently singing and trying to take care of all those around you...

Hah, funny. My grandma just told me that "reading can't hurt you"
I only nodded, but i know better.
Reading, art and creativity, has hurt me more than any physical pain ever will.
I'm sure you feel similar... and we both know it's something that they will never understand."

------------------------------------

always interesting to see yourself through the eyes of another.

listening to music on the "Kids Fuck to Dubstep" website and trying to motivate myself to do work.

worked my hands raw on that V2+ at the Warehouse tonight. Did not finish it, and they will be clean-sweeping the cave tomorrow apparently. if i had one more week i coulda done it. i hate it when climbing is more frustrating than relaxing. I don't like getting so angry working on a project. Ah well, it was the first time I have really had a realistic horizontal route to work on, and I did well for that. and I finished the majority of other routes i attempted.

i probably have something actually important to express, but can't access it now.

I was talking to Marissa last night at Marissa L's and she said:
"sometimes I will just google 'whales' and look at pictures of them for hours."
yes! i am not the only one.

i felt refreshed being there, enjoyed good food (such a rare occasion, it seems), and laughed hysterically at card games.


deep quiet today. it seems everyone is at the solidarity rally and not anywhere on or near campus. i feel this immense space right now that's all mine for a while. if the wind weren't blowing i might think that time had stopped. no sounds or movement at all. i've been waiting for this to come; our ears take in so much information over most of every day. i am enjoying the simplicity of that information right now. except, obviously, the tapping of the keys here. in between though, silence. i could write in my journal but i have been finding myself staring at the blank page so long.


this silence is a shock to my system like so many other recent occurrences.


music. the only music i can handle recently has been soft and acoustic for the most part, and then occasionally my typical ultra hard and electronic. nothing in between really. its been my emotions too; i been consistently wound up or down to an excess.

---------------------------------

my computer got a virus today in the middle of my writing, so now it is hours later and i am about to go climbing.

The second half of class was canceled due to the snow. The snowwwwww.



I just went back in my blog and read last February and March. So dark. The difference a year can make. I never believed I could be happy.

I've been trying to write this blog for an hour, but I don't even know what I want to say. Just feeling expressive, I suppose.

Maybe, sometimes what I need instead of writing is reading what I once expressed.



"Go tell the night, you can tell the night when we're through."

i am probably being overly defensive
but i don't know how to fully trust right now

I'm afraid
everyone is going to change their minds after a night.
or lie about who they are.
or manipulate.

this fear has re-emerged in me in the past two days...
it was the wedding, i think.

i am bad at keeping people at arms length. my arms are too short and people can still reach my heart. and i am fucking terrified of what they might do with it.

Tomorrow is going to be hard for me...
I am excited to be with my whole family, but I wish it was just going to be my family. I'm probably just having a bad attitude about this whole thing.

I am home. Yesterday I caught a ride with Ben J who was visiting his brother at Evergreen. Their grandmother passed away yesterday and Ben was headed home to an empty house, so I invited him to stay over. When we got to the valley he and I went out to dinner at Los Cabos and humiliated ourselves with pathetic attempts to speak in Spanish to the waiters. For the rest of the night we sipped hot chocolate, and played the guiter and tried to figure out how to restring the banjo, introduced each other to new music, joked about making a band called "Ben Joselyn Dropped Out," and talked about life. I was glad to spend the time with him, and more glad he didn't have to be alone.
He left early to see Emily. I slept late.

When I finally got up and saw the sun I was determined to go climbing. I grabbed my clothes for the wedding and my climbing shoes, and caught a ride into town with Dad. It was freezing at the feature and I had to stay sun-side for a while. Once I did some traverses and warmed up I felt great. I relish that mode I can get into when my fingers are numb from being cold and it feels like I can pretty much hold anything (even though I keep slipping off). I felt pumped up and so glad to be outside. I had the place to myself for a while, until these two guys came over and I sorta recognized one from Mount Si. Turns out it was Trey and Baly Botten, two of Cody Botten's brothers. I felt oddly privileged to meet them and was glad to see them being happy. We worked on a couple routes together and they went insanely high for not having any ropes. When the sun fell behind the hills it was too cold to climb anymore. As I began walking I realized that I probably shouldn't have worn Chaco's. Note to self: "Sun does not mean summer! Wear socks in February."

I walked to Ben's because I really wanted to see Emily who was also visiting the valley this weekend. I put on Nellie's UGG boots to keep my feet warm. I couldn't believe they fit (she is all grown up, and apparently has a boyfriend too. Oh, being 13). Ben, Em and I went on a quest for tracing velum and margarita mix. Saw the pink lady that use to stalk me and Tony. Saw Cynthia Jane and talked about how my flower-stunt went over. When I realized how little time I had to be at Dave and Cheryls to leave for the wedding we ran back to Ben's to grab my stuff and I scarfed a Peanut Butter and Chocolate Chip sandwich. I hopped across the street to Dave's and changed in the car.

The wedding.... Lets skip that part. The reception was fun. I loved catching up with Ashley and meeting her boyfri....husband. We danced together and I was reminded me of all our old dance parties summer after tenth grade. I can't believe she's married now. Anyway, the DJ did a bunch of couple-y dances (duh, its a wedding... but I was hellza bored because the only people I knew there were couples). Needless to say I was stoked when Single Ladies came on and I immediately rushed to the center of the dance floor where I danced and sang. The music cut and there was a countdown. I was standing right where the bouquet was thrown. All I had to do was make an epic keeper save on my tiptoes to catch it. Look... it was an effort for Nate's sake who begged Dave and Cheryl to stop suggesting that Annie be the one to catch it. Anyway I thought it was hilarious, especially because people took it so seriously afterwards. Ahh well, at least now that superstition will be laid to rest. I might have to gag myself later for saying this but I felt pretty special... *cringe* nevermind that.
Oh donny... I must have had too much sugar. But there was chocolate chip cookies and a fondue fountain so it was all justified I suppose.

I didn't think I would feel glad to have gone to the wedding, but I do. I am happy to have been there for her, and to have had that time with her, and to see her so happy.

when he said "and a little bit of sadness" i could feel the inevitable sorrows of life peaking through the beautiful clouds, as sunlit truth. a warm wash that allows for comparison, to make the richness of chocolate cream sink a bit further into our tongues, and let our own lives mutually sink a bit further into the sand. we suddenly feel the rawness of other emotions. it is only a glimpse and as we lay back in muted light we let the color step inside our eyes, the music in our minds, and we slide into the night for a soft sleep where the weight of life and death is floated from our consciousness. it is the highest peace to hope for in these times when foundations liquefy into questions. memory will be salvation from aimless wander, and i can hold yours for tonight my friend.

nothing out of the ordinary.

So... I don't have mono, which is awesome. But what the heck is wrong with me then?