Today I was walking from seminar to the Writing Center and this guy was singing and playing guitar at the edge of the grassy knoll on Red Square. Right when I passed him the lyrics to his song were something to the effect of "darling you're a blue whale in the deep sea."
I was just reminded of something else. This quote has been bouncing around in my head for weeks now, trying to apply itself to different parts of my life. It is something I synthesized from different things the pastor at Becca's church said:
"We live in a culture of entitlement. There is nothing wrong with desires, but when desires turn to demands, love is destroyed. Entitlement turns desires into demands causing the divisions in our relationships."
I suppose it is more applicable in a discussion of demands between individuals and not between people and government. But it came up for me at the end of the previous post when I asked "what are our demands for each other?"
geez. I'm overwhelmed now.
and its time to do homework.
"We live in a culture of entitlement. There is nothing wrong with desires, but when desires turn to demands, love is destroyed. Entitlement turns desires into demands causing the divisions in our relationships."
I suppose it is more applicable in a discussion of demands between individuals and not between people and government. But it came up for me at the end of the previous post when I asked "what are our demands for each other?"
geez. I'm overwhelmed now.
and its time to do homework.
Lately everyone has been talking about the Occupy Wall Street (Occupy everywhere) movement that's going on right now, and it's got me inspired to write about some things I've been thinking about for some time, specifically about the most effect and powerful ways to make change. So here we are in the middle of this incredible global movement that has been popping up all over in the form of the occupation of public space, as well as worker strikes and direct action. And while I am completely elated that this is happening, that people are waking up and standing up together, I am wondering where it will lead and how. My questions come from three sources of influence that I've encountered in the last month or so. These are: of one of Wendell Berry's essays, "Think Little," which I just read (and loved!), a difficult conversation with my father last month, and an strategic article on "Envisioning" written by Donella Meadows.
The conversation with my dad on 9/11 began as a discussion about who was involved in the events of that day ten years ago, and evolved into an argument about the causes of social injustice, environmental degradation, etc. I talked about how corporate interference in government has taken away the power of the people, and how our lives are contained in manufactured boxes of abundant distraction and conditioning. I said the response was to recognize this and respond through personal life choices (working toward self-sufficiency within local communities, avoiding putting money into corporate pockets by selective spending, and other actions). I also expressed anxiety that unfortunately many people have none of the means to access this perspective, or the energy or empowerment or know how to make such choices. In response to my concern that my voice--a single voice--is not enough to be heard in such an enormous system of influence and power, he simply told me not to be disheartened and not to "run away". In essence he encouraged me that I do have an influence and that being discouraged and removing myself completely was irresponsible. It's not that I totally disagree with that, but it got me thinking: there has got to be a balance that can be lived especially at this juncture in history when so much is happening--there's got to be a balance between living within "the system" in order to change it, and living without it.
If we are in collective transition between one way of living and another, perhaps we must straddle the line in order to be fully alive and active members of our race, of our communities, during this time in history. In Wendell Berry's essay "Think Little" he talks about this in a context that is very applicable to what has been going on these past few weeks in NY and across the country. He says:
Berry says "A man who is willing to undertake the discipline and the difficulty of mending his own ways is worth more to the [...] movement than a hundred who are insisting merely that the government and the industries mend their ways." If 99% of people made this thing their own personal private cause too, by asserting some autonomy from the present system by thinking up and creating alternatives, wouldn't that be revolutionary in itself?
Am I being idealistic? Or is this the way forward?
Possibly, both. In her article, Donella Meadows, a prominent systems thinker and a huge influence of mine, tells of her Envisioning Workshops in which she asks people to describe "not the world they thought they could achieve, or the world they were willing to settle for, but the world they truly wanted."
This exercise is totally idealistic. And it is idealistic to ask that the 99% to be the ones making the changes when the major destruction and oppression is happening seemingly so far out of our reach. It is idealistic because we are asking people--we are asking ourselves--to live up to our own ideals. But this is important, because it is our ideals that move us to the action of creating what we desire and believe in. As Meadows wrote:
The conversation with my dad on 9/11 began as a discussion about who was involved in the events of that day ten years ago, and evolved into an argument about the causes of social injustice, environmental degradation, etc. I talked about how corporate interference in government has taken away the power of the people, and how our lives are contained in manufactured boxes of abundant distraction and conditioning. I said the response was to recognize this and respond through personal life choices (working toward self-sufficiency within local communities, avoiding putting money into corporate pockets by selective spending, and other actions). I also expressed anxiety that unfortunately many people have none of the means to access this perspective, or the energy or empowerment or know how to make such choices. In response to my concern that my voice--a single voice--is not enough to be heard in such an enormous system of influence and power, he simply told me not to be disheartened and not to "run away". In essence he encouraged me that I do have an influence and that being discouraged and removing myself completely was irresponsible. It's not that I totally disagree with that, but it got me thinking: there has got to be a balance that can be lived especially at this juncture in history when so much is happening--there's got to be a balance between living within "the system" in order to change it, and living without it.
If we are in collective transition between one way of living and another, perhaps we must straddle the line in order to be fully alive and active members of our race, of our communities, during this time in history. In Wendell Berry's essay "Think Little" he talks about this in a context that is very applicable to what has been going on these past few weeks in NY and across the country. He says:
It seems to me that the Civil Rights Movement and the Peace Movement, as popular causes in the electronic age, have partaken far too much of the nature of fads. Not for all, certainly, but for too many they have been the fashionable politics of the moment. As causes they have been undertaken too much in ignorance; they have been too much simplified; they have been powered too much by impatience and guilt of conscience and short-term enthusiasm, and too little by an authentic social vision and long-term conviction and deliberation.He goes on to say:
If this effort is carried on solely as a public cause, if millions of people cannot or will not undertake it as a private cause as well, then [this] is sure the happen. In five years the energy of our present concern will have petered out in a series of public gestures--and no doubt in a series of empty laws--and a great [...] human opportunity will have been lost."In context he is referring specifically to the environmental movement, but what he says is applicable to recent events and to all movements. My point (and his, I assume) is not to say that we shouldn't revel in the energy and enthusiasm bubbling up at these times. Trust me, I am riled up and ready to hit the streets. The occupations of public space and gatherings of people are great because we suddenly we are not one voice trying to be heard over the roar of political slander and mass media's deluge of distraction, we are the vast majority of people screaming our demands under the slogan of "we are the 99%." And so, in the midst of this, Berry is asking us (the people, the majority), to really examine what are our demands, and who are we demanding them from? Are we demanding them from the 1%, or from the 99%? Or are we really asking for major changes from 100%, from everyone?
Berry says "A man who is willing to undertake the discipline and the difficulty of mending his own ways is worth more to the [...] movement than a hundred who are insisting merely that the government and the industries mend their ways." If 99% of people made this thing their own personal private cause too, by asserting some autonomy from the present system by thinking up and creating alternatives, wouldn't that be revolutionary in itself?
Am I being idealistic? Or is this the way forward?
Possibly, both. In her article, Donella Meadows, a prominent systems thinker and a huge influence of mine, tells of her Envisioning Workshops in which she asks people to describe "not the world they thought they could achieve, or the world they were willing to settle for, but the world they truly wanted."
This exercise is totally idealistic. And it is idealistic to ask that the 99% to be the ones making the changes when the major destruction and oppression is happening seemingly so far out of our reach. It is idealistic because we are asking people--we are asking ourselves--to live up to our own ideals. But this is important, because it is our ideals that move us to the action of creating what we desire and believe in. As Meadows wrote:
"Vision is the most vital step in the policy process. If we don’t know where we want to go, it makes little difference that we make great progress. [...] Even if information, models, and implementation could be perfect in every way, how far can they guide us, if we know what direction we want to move away from but not what direction we want to go toward? There may be motivation in escaping doom, but there is even more in creating a better world."So what are our ideal visions for this world? How can we begin creating them through the present movement? What desires and demands do we have for our government, and what desires and demands do we have for ourselves. How to keep that balance of living within a system that oppresses us in order to change it, and living without it in order to live up to our highest ideals.
darkness engulf me now and pull me down into me and cold seep through my clothes and skin and weather wither me into the leaves and hold me hold me mystery with your deep rich color of decay and grey my skin so i blend in with clouds or snow or the crashing waves and save me from the sun that bakes me into sleep and wakes me into dreams so i rise and rise and fall take it all underneath where spry spring blossoms and steady summer greens go when they are shed to die from this life for some time in the seasonal night
xx
"Say you hoped to
tame something
wild and stayed
calm and inched up
day by day. Or even
not tame it but
meet it halfway.
Things went along.
You made progress,
understanding
it would be a
lengthy process,
sensing changes
in your hair and
nails. So it's
strange when it
attacks: you thought
you had a deal."
-Kay Ryan
tame something
wild and stayed
calm and inched up
day by day. Or even
not tame it but
meet it halfway.
Things went along.
You made progress,
understanding
it would be a
lengthy process,
sensing changes
in your hair and
nails. So it's
strange when it
attacks: you thought
you had a deal."
-Kay Ryan
"There is almost a sensual longing for communion with others who have a large vision. The immense fulfillment of the friendship between those engaged in furthering the evolution of consciousness has a quality impossible to describe."
I'm a lonely tree with bare branches reaching outward, twisting onto themselves, looking every direction for something to connect to.
The sky rains the saddest, richest, most beautiful combination of colors on me.
I am a tree. Alone with the sky and the earth,
reaching to catch the rain; this outpouring of blended color.
I cannot catch it. It rolls over me.
I can absorb some of it, use it to grow
and live, and change, and stretch, and
reach outward more, to something unknown,
or nothing at all.
I am a faithful tree.
I fear though that I will be cut short,
that I will be used.
That my effort and worth will be overlooked
or that they are only false manifestations of my need to feel that I am an important part of a greater whole.
I fear that my intrinsic beauty is not enough; that my life-supporting processes will be forgotten;
that I will never be loved, the way I unconditionally love.
The sky rains the saddest, richest, most beautiful combination of colors on me.
I am a tree. Alone with the sky and the earth,
reaching to catch the rain; this outpouring of blended color.
I cannot catch it. It rolls over me.
I can absorb some of it, use it to grow
and live, and change, and stretch, and
reach outward more, to something unknown,
or nothing at all.
I am a faithful tree.
I fear though that I will be cut short,
that I will be used.
That my effort and worth will be overlooked
or that they are only false manifestations of my need to feel that I am an important part of a greater whole.
I fear that my intrinsic beauty is not enough; that my life-supporting processes will be forgotten;
that I will never be loved, the way I unconditionally love.
i know its late.
I've been up since before 7 this morning
for no apparent reason
except perhaps the energy of the world today
re-shaken in mourning.
so watching
reading
thinking
writing
singing
coloring
and
talking about this all day
has my mind pretty worn
but there were a couple things i was reminded of that i wanted to post.
i know... im sorta in private mode with my own writing right now and have pretty much just been reposting links or other people's stuff. it will pass. i think i am starting a new site soon anyway, if i stop being so lazy and indecisive about it.
-----------------------------------------------------
ok, so the first thing is this poem that I initially read in a library in Eugene (in like March?) when I first picked up Pinchbeck's compilation Toward 2012: Perspectives on the Next Age. Its called "If You See Something, Say Something" ...a stab at the signs that have appeared on airports and buses since 9/11/01. Here it is, from Michael Brownstein, 2006:
"We need your help as an extra set of eyes and ears.
Unattended bags? Suspicious behavior?
Take notice of people in bulky or inappropriate clothing.
Report anyone tampering with video cameras or entering unauthorized areas.
If you see something, say something.
I see something.
I see a criminally insane person roaming the halls of the White House.
He believes he's the president of the United States.
And I see a rotund bastard with a heart problem hovering in the background, pulling the strings.
His crooked smile lights the way to perdition.
In the early morning chill I see the streets of New York filled with people on their way to work.
We think we're home free because John Ashcroft retired.
No more red alerts, no more terrorists disguised as tourists worming their way into town.
No more dirty bombs left in suitcases in Grand Central.
Little do we know. Little dare we surmise.
As the rotund bastard with the heart problem said the other day, "You know, it's not an accident that we haven't been hit in four years."
What's that supposed to mean? That sooner or later he'll feel threatened enough to push the hot button again?
And when he does will he be in his secret, climate-controlled tunnel half-way between D.C. and Wyoming?
Far from the narrow, dark canyons of Manhattan?
If you see something, say something.
I see something.
I see the forgotten anthrax killers whose bioweapons source was not al-Qaeda but our own American arsenals.
I see no global war declared on Fort Detrick or the Dugway Proving Grounds, no troops deployed, no actions taken.
Our attention always focused somewhere out there (Iraq, North Korea, Iran), never in here.
If you see something, say something.
I see a billion dollars a week spent on this war rather than the two billion a year needed to lock down leaking Russian nuclear facilities.
I see the US military buying anthrax in violation of treaties limiting the spread of bioweapons.
I see nanotech embraced for mirage medical cures while its use for surveillance and control is ignored.
I see all of us innoculated into a state of permanent low-level paranoia.
If you see something, say something.
I see something.
I see our Supreme Leader in the Oval Office fondling "the football," the top-secret suitcase with instructions to blow up the planet.
Sixteen years after the Berlin wall fell I see thousands of hydrogen bombs still on hair-trigger alert in Russia and the USA.
I see forty of those bombs aimed at New York City.
If you see something, say something.
I see our protective coating of ironic distance sheilding us from the truth.
Over the phone I hear "Have a nice day," and "Please speak to the system."
And in the stores, behind the Christmas carols, I hear the whine of black helicopters making the world safe for democracy.
"Freedom!" I bark, and a miniature poodle on a leash barks back at me.
I see something.
I see the US holding the world for ransom.
Again and again the same words keep surfacing: "the national interest, the national interest, the national interest."
Reptilian brains having a toxic reaction to testosterone.
Plunging us all into the icy waters of selfish calculation.
If you see something, say something.
I see this trashed-out culture of ours approaching the wall.
Plant and animal species disappearing at warp speed.
Soil turned to dust, aquifers drained dry.
And I see it's too painful to go there.
It's too painful to go there, I'm headed outside for a smoke.
It's too painful to go there, I'm busy learning Italian.
It's too painful to go there, my therapist told me to stay positive.
She said that whatever I experience is up to me, that I create my own world.
My guru said the same thing.
But it's funny, no matter what they say I keep seeing this weirdness out of the corner of my eye.
I see undercover agents on every transport platform, watching over my fellow Americans strapped into bucket seats.
I see my fellow Americans weighed down by schedules and cellphones and computers and wristwatches.
I see their children swallowing pharmaceuticals to get through the day.
While in nearby fields the birds and animals look on with infinite patience, waiting outside of clock time for us to burn out and disappear.
(The yellow-throated warbler singing, "Is that the best you can do?
Best you can do?"
"Is that the best you can do?")
I see something.
I see arbitrary national borders separating us from our humanity.
I hear the siren song of nationalism driving us onto the rocks.
9/11 and the war in Iraq no more than red herrings distracting us from this fact.
Cause Iraqis are people just like us. How can their deaths be worth less than ours?
I see it's time for us to take a look in the mirror.
Notice the frightened children in there, wondering how they got into this mess.
Realize there's no one in the whole wide world to blame.
Decide to risk everything and open our hearts.
That's the one thing against which the rotund bastard has no defense.
If you see something, say something.
I see that even though my therapist charges a hundred and seventy-five an hour and my guru has a lifetime free pass, maybe they're right.
I'm responsible for what's happening to me.
My beliefs create my experience.
Otherwise why am I swallowed up in rituals of mutual self-destruction while outside a sweet wind blows through the trees?
Cause I see two wolves fighting in my heart, one vengeful and the other compassionate.
Which one will I feed today?
Will I behave as if the god in all of life matters?
Or will I come after you, blaming and accusing?
Which one will I feed today?"
Unattended bags? Suspicious behavior?
Take notice of people in bulky or inappropriate clothing.
Report anyone tampering with video cameras or entering unauthorized areas.
If you see something, say something.
I see something.
I see a criminally insane person roaming the halls of the White House.
He believes he's the president of the United States.
And I see a rotund bastard with a heart problem hovering in the background, pulling the strings.
His crooked smile lights the way to perdition.
In the early morning chill I see the streets of New York filled with people on their way to work.
We think we're home free because John Ashcroft retired.
No more red alerts, no more terrorists disguised as tourists worming their way into town.
No more dirty bombs left in suitcases in Grand Central.
Little do we know. Little dare we surmise.
As the rotund bastard with the heart problem said the other day, "You know, it's not an accident that we haven't been hit in four years."
What's that supposed to mean? That sooner or later he'll feel threatened enough to push the hot button again?
And when he does will he be in his secret, climate-controlled tunnel half-way between D.C. and Wyoming?
Far from the narrow, dark canyons of Manhattan?
If you see something, say something.
I see something.
I see the forgotten anthrax killers whose bioweapons source was not al-Qaeda but our own American arsenals.
I see no global war declared on Fort Detrick or the Dugway Proving Grounds, no troops deployed, no actions taken.
Our attention always focused somewhere out there (Iraq, North Korea, Iran), never in here.
If you see something, say something.
I see a billion dollars a week spent on this war rather than the two billion a year needed to lock down leaking Russian nuclear facilities.
I see the US military buying anthrax in violation of treaties limiting the spread of bioweapons.
I see nanotech embraced for mirage medical cures while its use for surveillance and control is ignored.
I see all of us innoculated into a state of permanent low-level paranoia.
If you see something, say something.
I see something.
I see our Supreme Leader in the Oval Office fondling "the football," the top-secret suitcase with instructions to blow up the planet.
Sixteen years after the Berlin wall fell I see thousands of hydrogen bombs still on hair-trigger alert in Russia and the USA.
I see forty of those bombs aimed at New York City.
If you see something, say something.
I see our protective coating of ironic distance sheilding us from the truth.
Over the phone I hear "Have a nice day," and "Please speak to the system."
And in the stores, behind the Christmas carols, I hear the whine of black helicopters making the world safe for democracy.
"Freedom!" I bark, and a miniature poodle on a leash barks back at me.
I see something.
I see the US holding the world for ransom.
Again and again the same words keep surfacing: "the national interest, the national interest, the national interest."
Reptilian brains having a toxic reaction to testosterone.
Plunging us all into the icy waters of selfish calculation.
If you see something, say something.
I see this trashed-out culture of ours approaching the wall.
Plant and animal species disappearing at warp speed.
Soil turned to dust, aquifers drained dry.
And I see it's too painful to go there.
It's too painful to go there, I'm headed outside for a smoke.
It's too painful to go there, I'm busy learning Italian.
It's too painful to go there, my therapist told me to stay positive.
She said that whatever I experience is up to me, that I create my own world.
My guru said the same thing.
But it's funny, no matter what they say I keep seeing this weirdness out of the corner of my eye.
I see undercover agents on every transport platform, watching over my fellow Americans strapped into bucket seats.
I see my fellow Americans weighed down by schedules and cellphones and computers and wristwatches.
I see their children swallowing pharmaceuticals to get through the day.
While in nearby fields the birds and animals look on with infinite patience, waiting outside of clock time for us to burn out and disappear.
(The yellow-throated warbler singing, "Is that the best you can do?
Best you can do?"
"Is that the best you can do?")
I see something.
I see arbitrary national borders separating us from our humanity.
I hear the siren song of nationalism driving us onto the rocks.
9/11 and the war in Iraq no more than red herrings distracting us from this fact.
Cause Iraqis are people just like us. How can their deaths be worth less than ours?
I see it's time for us to take a look in the mirror.
Notice the frightened children in there, wondering how they got into this mess.
Realize there's no one in the whole wide world to blame.
Decide to risk everything and open our hearts.
That's the one thing against which the rotund bastard has no defense.
If you see something, say something.
I see that even though my therapist charges a hundred and seventy-five an hour and my guru has a lifetime free pass, maybe they're right.
I'm responsible for what's happening to me.
My beliefs create my experience.
Otherwise why am I swallowed up in rituals of mutual self-destruction while outside a sweet wind blows through the trees?
Cause I see two wolves fighting in my heart, one vengeful and the other compassionate.
Which one will I feed today?
Will I behave as if the god in all of life matters?
Or will I come after you, blaming and accusing?
Which one will I feed today?"
fuck yea, right?
well, I think its clever, and thoughtful.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
alrighty... next:
(if you're a bit winded, you might take a break... the next one is hellza long)
My dear Uncle David certainly has a knack for thinking and words and putting those two things together. oh, and putting his words to the brilliant photographs he takes whilst simultaneously giving a lecture and changing the way the whole world thinks about building codes... but i'll save that for later. tonight, as i was getting concerned whether or not i would be able to sleep with so much on my mind, he posted something that determined solidly that no, i won't be sleeping for a while. hence me being up at 1 again, after six hours of restless sleep last night and a big day today (I went upstairs! I left the house for like an hour! AND I engaged with a whole family of new people who Becca brought to dinner. seriously... just that and it was like 100x more commotion than i've been having the past few days. besides getting sick a bunch. ick). actually though, all kidding aside, it was a big day... emotionally mostly, and i really appreciated the commentary David reposted, which he had written shortly after this day in 2001. If nothing else, read the poem at the end.
"Dear friends
First I want to say that it is rare that I am moved to send out messages to so many of my friends at once. I hope this does not offend any of you, but it is sent with heartfelt sympathy and sorrow for everyone affected by the tragedy of September 11th and its aftermath. I wrote the piece below over the past few days and decided, because of the response that I got from the people that I sent it to initially, to share it more widely. And I also wanted to preface it with some thoughts about the current situation.
These are hard times for anyone who has a larger context than what one could get from the mainstream media or official reports through which to contemplate the events of the past four weeks. Everyone I know is struggling to deal with the aftermath. Many of us are especially challenged to deal with our distrust for the current administration, their motives, underlying agenda, and the very paradigm from which they operate. Like so many others I also have felt the full range of emotions from pride and admiration for the courage, kindness, and generosity of so many people in this country (the basis for a very different kind of feeling for what is great about this country than the uncritical flag-waving, sabre-rattling variety that seems to dominate right now), to dismay, horror, and outrage at the way many of the leaders of our country have responded to the unfolding of events.
The past week or so I find myself coping with more and more sorrow and anger. Much of it relates to the outrage directed at people who are seeking and speaking the truth about our real history and the degree to which the situation in which we find ourselves today is related to long-standing policies of our own government, which often have often been lawless, violent, and anti-democratic. It would appear that the worst aspects of this country emerge along with the best at times of crisis, and so today anyone who does not stand 100% with our leaders can be called a traitor or at the very least unpatriotic and not deserving of a public voice. Nonetheless, the truth remains that the U.S. has had a huge hand in creating the world that we now must all live in - that is undeniably true. And this level of fear and vulnerability is only new to people on these shores, not to most of the world. And those who benefit from the restraint of civic discourse, freedom of information, and the militarization of the nation are scrambling to consolidiate and institutionalize their gains under the cloak of bipartisanship and the need for us to forever be a nation living in fear.
It is as though no one can speak these truths without being accused of excusing or justifying or rationalizing the horrendous crimes against humanity that were carried out on the 11th. This is an enormous and critical distortion of the truth. There are no excuses. None. Not for the acts of those who perpetrated these most recent crimes, nor for the terrorism that the U.S. and the ruthless regimes that we have supported around the world have inflicted upon the millions of innocent citizens of those other countries. And this also does not deny or excuse the atrocities carried out by some of our enemies over the years. Atrocities are atrocities regardless of the goodness of the cause for which they are committed or the self-righteousness of the people who commit them.
I find it astonishing that the same people who are now accusing those who point out the truth about U.S. foreign policy today, can't see the duplicity of their arguments as they rationalize and justify and excuse U.S.-sponsored terrorism elsewhere in the world. People who commit crimes against humanity must be brought to justice. If we are in fact a nation of laws, not of men, as we claim, we would seek no other outcome. One need only look at our new Ambassador to the UN to understand the mindset and lack of integrity of our current administration in the area of human rights abuses or acts of state sponsored terror. What is needed if we are to ever overcome the cycles of violence we seem so committed to perpetuating are strong and truly international institutions of law and justice to which every nation, no matter how weak or powerful are accountable. Acting unilaterally by declaring war against a small group of fanatics rather than dealing with this as a crime against humanity and all nations, requiring a truly international response only fertilizes the ground for the growth of future terrorism.
What I wrote, below, is just a personal outpouring of what I have been feeling and thinking over these past few weeks. And of my conviction that it is only through embracing the pain and sorrow and anger and disappointment and reality - including our own complicity in these things - that we can begin to find a way out. And also from my belief that it is gratitude, compassion, and love, not fear, greed, anger or hatred that can lead us from a place of such awesome despair and danger.
I send this with hopes for a growing movement that values all life and moves to undermine the paradigms and politics of consolidated power, wealth, and control over those of shared power, wealth, and restraint and the understanding that freedoms and rights are accompanied by responsibilities and obligations that transcend private, personal interests. We need to strongly stand up for our civil liberties, including our right to know what our government is doing in our name and with our taxes and in its international agreements. We need to make continually clear to our elected representatives that we will hold them accountable for what they do, whether committing further atrocities in other lands, giving away our rights of economic and political sovereignty to global trade and investment cartels, or taking away our rights such as freedom of speech, or assembly, or the right to dissent and protest without being labeled a terrorist (check out this FBI website to see if you might actually be a terrorist yourself by the FBI's definition: http://www.fbi.gov/congress/congress01/freeh051001.htm>http://www.fbi.gov/congress/congress01/freeh051001.htm).
A key issue that we must address, if we are not to see a spiraling increase in such violence and social chaos around the world and at home, is corporate globalization and market fundamentalism. If you don't understand what is at stake, please read False Dawn by John Gray, and start doing some research into NAFTA, WTO, FTAA, MAI and what they represent in terms of the destruction of social fabric, local economies, and political freedoms, all to be sacrificed to the idea that corporate profits and the pursuit of the highest return on investment is always the highest good. Our leaders have placed our communities, our local, regional and national economies, and all of our laws for public health, safety and welfare in absolute jeopardy out of the insane rejection of the idea of the commons - of a public good superceding private good. The people behind the "wise use" movement - who proposed that every law or regulation that restricts the rights of individuals to maximize their profits - whether potential, imagined, or real - is a governmental "taking" and therefore creates a requirement for compensation for any conceivable loss of opportunity or potential profit - these are the people who are negotiating our global trade and investment agreements. This principle was written into NAFTA and it is embedded in the paradigm of WTO and all the international agreements on free trade and investment. The lawsuits are already being filed and won in NAFTA's private tribunals. This will ultimately result in the shredding of the fabric of civil society and result in tremendous chaos here and abroad. If we think our past policies have created opportunities for terrorists to vilify the US, just wait…. We don't appear to have real leaders. Few of our politicians have clue what they have created. Those that do and still support free trade over fair trade, and property rights over life, should not be given power over anything.
We have our own fundamentalists here, but what they believe in is the market and multinational corporate power. There is much work to be done and the first step is being awake. But most important is that we understand that we are not alone and we are not powerless. Our voices need to be heard and those of us that know and understand what is being done have an obligation to become the leaders that we apparently don't have today.
I am sending this to you because I count you among my friends and deeply value that friendship and the values that we share. It is sent with my blessings and with a loving and open heart.
After Math
I'm almost embarrassed to share
This experience
Too full of emotion
Anger, hope, fear and sorrow
I felt the need to write
And somehow started thinking
About the word "Aftermath"
About the after math
The calculus after disaster
The area under the curve
Under the arc of consequences
Not at all those that we had in mind
But I felt the need to know the numbers
To be able to start to write
So I spent an hour, perhaps more
In internet info searching mode
How many dead now, which ones where?
How many missing?
By who's count?
From what countries of origin?
From what companies?
How many were firemen?
Policemen or Port Authority?
What about at the Pentagon?
Or on the plane in Pennsylvania?
And then I noticed all at once
That I had totally succumbed
To the effects of the numbers
I found I was stunningly numbed
And I thought - Did anyone get it?
When they invented this word?
Numb-er?
That that is what they so often are?
Doesn't anyone notice how effective are these symbols
At dulling the pain?
Dulling the senses?
Dulling the sense?
In my numbness I tried to write
But words and figures were just more symbols on the screen
What do these things mean?
5000, 6000, 7000 dead here, 500,000 starved children in Iraq
How many in Afganistan?
Or was that the number in Nicaragua? Why am I still feeling no pain?
And what about the first $40 billion of disaster recovery money?
To begin our journey back to September 10th
Will that not bring a lot of relief?
It's a little more than $6.50 for every human on earth
I know, it's just for us, spelled U. S.
The special four percent of the humans.
I know, actually it's only for a small percentage
Of that special four percent
But are these the only people who need relief?
But who's counting anyway?
And just what are we going to count?
Who counts?
What counts?
When did we last think
That measuring the right thing roughly is far better
Than measuring the wrong thing with great accuracy?
How do we begin when we don't have a clue
About the worth of any person?
One here is worth many there.
Because lives are obviously so much bigger
The closer they are to the observer
How can we solve for so many unknowns
When we officially don't care about
The value of each strand in the web of life?
The identity of all of our relations?
The consequences of our actions?
When we would rather ignore or suppress
The depth of our pain
The power of our love
The heat of our passion
The taste of our grief
The intensity of our despair
The value of the lives of the victims of our vengeance
The number of things left unsaid, undone
The weight of memories that are all that remain
The length of our mourning
This is not a test
This is a real emergency
Had this been a test
You would have been instructed
To return to the status quo without thinking
But this is a real emergency
And what is emerging is a calling
We are now called to show up
We are now called to do our home-work
We are now called to learn our real history
We are now called to understand
We are now called to demand to know
What our leaders do in our name
We are now called to become leaders
We are now called to wake each other up
We are now called to see ourselves
As the whole world sees us
The whole world
Not just the human beings present today
Not just human ancestors and future human beings
But all beings of every species
With whom we share this world
And we must also see
That it is in this awareness
And in our willingness to experience all these things
That we will find the only authentic power that exists
Power that is for life
We must remember
To call each other and ourselves to truth
To call each other and ourselves to compassion
To call each other and ourselves to loving kindness
And to call each other and ourselves
To keep our eyes open
To keep our hearts open
To keep our minds open
And to remember each other
And to remember as we deal with the aftermath
That gratitude is the first step
In every solution"
-David Eisenberg
went really well. Chi thinks I could be off the crutches and out of the cast in 2 weeks instead of 6. Suweeet. He also told my mom that if I hadn't gotten the surgery now it would only be a matter of time before I would have needed it if I wanted to keep active in my life. So it was not gonna heal fully by itself, but apparently the surgery did the trick. He said there is pretty much nothing I could do to blow it out again if I let it heal right during my recovery period. :)
This was the blessing Kaleigh (cabin leader for cabin 5) read before bed each night. Don't know who wrote it but its a good thing to go to sleep to.
May you be blessed with discomfort
at easy answers, half-truths, and
superficial relationships, so that
you will live deep in your heart.
May you be blessed with anger
at injustice, oppression, and
exploitation of people and the earth
so that you will work for justice,
equity, and peace.
May you be blessed with tears
to shed for those who suffer
so you will reach out your hands
to comfort them and
change their pain into joy.
And may you be blessed with the foolishness
to think that you can make a difference in the world
so you will do the things which others say cannot be done.
http://crios.info/2007/08/31/kinemortophobia/
It actually brought tears to my eyes to know that other people struggle with this. I've been doing a lot better lately, but was thinking at camp that I must be ridiculous for having a crippling fear of something that I've never seen with my own eyes --something that, in all likelihood, nobody else has either. I've thought and talked and wrote about it a lot, and have explored many different aspects of my life that the fear could represent (especially as it manifests in my dreams), but sometimes it feels so literal, like when I am woken up in West Virginia during a lightning storm and have to walk from the cabin to the bathroom to pee and all I can think about is how I am going to deal with a zombie encounter. How will I avoid getting bitten? How will I avoid death? I mean, in the moment like that, metaphorical explanations don't even make sense. Its a literal fear. Obviously there are societal parallels which explain why I wouldn't want to be "bitten" and become a "zombie," but its simpler...er, more straightforward than that at the same time. I guess in those scenarios its like I actually believe they are physically around me somewhere and that I am going to encounter them and that I am going to have to run.
Anyway... It makes me feel less idiotic reading that so many other people have the same modes of thought and the same sort of consciousness about it.
How did I get to thinking about that tonight?
Well, watching Design E^2 reminded me of Matt cause it is his copy of the movie. Then I went to send him a message asking how he's been doing. After I did that I was thinking about what Tyler said the other day when we were fighting. I asked him when I ever completely dropped anyone from my life? He said "when was the last time you talked to Matt?" Ouch. So I was thinking about that and wondering why we stopped talking (aside from busy schedules, heartbreak, and general discomfort). Thanks to facebook I could easily look at our entire message history, which reminded me of how close he and I were for so long. And now, not at all? Its just weird. That sort of break really hasn't happened permanently between me and anyone else that has been such a big part of my life. I guess it just got tainted by certain things that I didn't want to deal with. But its really bugging me now because...he pretty much saved my life. Mmm, more thinking on this later.
Anyway, so I was reading through our message history and I came across a time when I referenced my blog. Reading that got me curious about that period of my life so I went back to read some and came across this post with the title: Kinemortophobia. All the post said was "the name of the fear" and I remembered that I had never actually researched what other people said about it. So here I am.
Right after the zombie post there was a long one --an angry reflective one. There is something about Rachels...3 people who have DEEPLY touched my life without me even really knowing them have been Rachels. Rachel means "one with purity."
Some of the other posts were super intense to look at. I mean, the 6 months leading up to high school graduation it was like I was peaking over a precipice, loaded with anticipation, trying to enjoy the view from where I was (still climbing though) and really just wanting to get the damn rappel over with. Matt was my rope so even if I jumped off, gave up, I'd be okay. The couple months leading up to college... man, some of that stuff blows me away. I can't believe I was the one who wrote those things, or thought them at all. My 18 year old self is firing me up, and humbling me too.
oh shit. its 1. need to sleep. need to eat
look at this... a whole entire new blog post!
Got to see Vienna today. Dana tomorrow. Wonderful people who inspire me! Caitlin soon, Madelyn again soon. So many beautiful people!
MRI results tomorrow too :/
And Cameron :)
It actually brought tears to my eyes to know that other people struggle with this. I've been doing a lot better lately, but was thinking at camp that I must be ridiculous for having a crippling fear of something that I've never seen with my own eyes --something that, in all likelihood, nobody else has either. I've thought and talked and wrote about it a lot, and have explored many different aspects of my life that the fear could represent (especially as it manifests in my dreams), but sometimes it feels so literal, like when I am woken up in West Virginia during a lightning storm and have to walk from the cabin to the bathroom to pee and all I can think about is how I am going to deal with a zombie encounter. How will I avoid getting bitten? How will I avoid death? I mean, in the moment like that, metaphorical explanations don't even make sense. Its a literal fear. Obviously there are societal parallels which explain why I wouldn't want to be "bitten" and become a "zombie," but its simpler...er, more straightforward than that at the same time. I guess in those scenarios its like I actually believe they are physically around me somewhere and that I am going to encounter them and that I am going to have to run.
Anyway... It makes me feel less idiotic reading that so many other people have the same modes of thought and the same sort of consciousness about it.
How did I get to thinking about that tonight?
Well, watching Design E^2 reminded me of Matt cause it is his copy of the movie. Then I went to send him a message asking how he's been doing. After I did that I was thinking about what Tyler said the other day when we were fighting. I asked him when I ever completely dropped anyone from my life? He said "when was the last time you talked to Matt?" Ouch. So I was thinking about that and wondering why we stopped talking (aside from busy schedules, heartbreak, and general discomfort). Thanks to facebook I could easily look at our entire message history, which reminded me of how close he and I were for so long. And now, not at all? Its just weird. That sort of break really hasn't happened permanently between me and anyone else that has been such a big part of my life. I guess it just got tainted by certain things that I didn't want to deal with. But its really bugging me now because...he pretty much saved my life. Mmm, more thinking on this later.
Anyway, so I was reading through our message history and I came across a time when I referenced my blog. Reading that got me curious about that period of my life so I went back to read some and came across this post with the title: Kinemortophobia. All the post said was "the name of the fear" and I remembered that I had never actually researched what other people said about it. So here I am.
Right after the zombie post there was a long one --an angry reflective one. There is something about Rachels...3 people who have DEEPLY touched my life without me even really knowing them have been Rachels. Rachel means "one with purity."
Some of the other posts were super intense to look at. I mean, the 6 months leading up to high school graduation it was like I was peaking over a precipice, loaded with anticipation, trying to enjoy the view from where I was (still climbing though) and really just wanting to get the damn rappel over with. Matt was my rope so even if I jumped off, gave up, I'd be okay. The couple months leading up to college... man, some of that stuff blows me away. I can't believe I was the one who wrote those things, or thought them at all. My 18 year old self is firing me up, and humbling me too.
oh shit. its 1. need to sleep. need to eat
look at this... a whole entire new blog post!
Got to see Vienna today. Dana tomorrow. Wonderful people who inspire me! Caitlin soon, Madelyn again soon. So many beautiful people!
MRI results tomorrow too :/
And Cameron :)
to read all of these! just watched part of the documentary today... geeking out so hard right now now on design/build.
http://basic.redclaycms.com/Resources/Books_and_Media.htm
http://basic.redclaycms.com/Resources/Books_and_Media.htm
my friends are having babies...
weirrrd
weirrrd
http://evergreen.edu/catalog/2011-12/programs/shakespearesamerica-1022
http://evergreen.edu/catalog/2011-12/programs/suburbannation-7451
http://evergreen.edu/catalog/2011-12/programs/watermicrobesandenergysustainablesolutions-1333
http://evergreen.edu/catalog/2011-12/programs/individualstudyindividualmusicinstruction-7911
http://evergreen.edu/catalog/2011-12/programs/medicinalbotanyanintroduction-7899
http://evergreen.edu/catalog/2011-12/programs/energysystemsandclimatechange-1526
http://evergreen.edu/catalog/2011-12/programs/thefungalkingdom-7923
"dirty
alive, surviving
but for the next hundred footsteps,
thriving.
magic might be the word,
so why not the world?
quite a bit of black, such a colorful evening
twin body, sister planet
no color so scary
if you keep your eyes breathing.
this rock sprouts talk--sit.
they're roots, too
not mine, not you,
what is six, what is two?
imagine us, the charcoal's pit.
dust, smiles,
god has a child's
teeth.
a color in your eyes' sides
leads you to a hill
the greenest, fluid, widest pill
a circle's moment makes us still.
wonder back
run to where you're getting
nothing tells me i haven't been here
i couldn't overlook a being
a shapeless ring, these spinning things.
get carried away
save a sunset--they can't begin,
their endings as solid as the original wind.
filter perfect, skyward clean
the unheard of, heard of, numbing dream. "
-Alicia Capp
but its all i know
You've been increasingly on my mind this past week and I feel recommitted to coming back to you after having a long period of doubt about that. I'm exhausted of thinking of it, but have to say how strange it seems that I wrote about extreme joy while I was there last, yet in current reflection and anticipation, anxiety is the pervasive emotion. I am drawn south still.
I sit in front of this screen. Broken heart. Working late. Science speak. Sun-struck ever-green.
I feel more alive in images. Petrol mart. Metal gate. Stinky sea. Sand-filled every-thing.
Where am I? Somewhere between here and there. Not here at all.
I'm tired.
Paper paper paper
demands and
words walls heart
They would all shake apart in your power, Peru. You aren't for paper people like me. But I would shred and set myself to the wind, and dance my way down to you. If I could.
Not now Not now
Not soon
but soon enough.
I sit in front of this screen. Broken heart. Working late. Science speak. Sun-struck ever-green.
I feel more alive in images. Petrol mart. Metal gate. Stinky sea. Sand-filled every-thing.
Where am I? Somewhere between here and there. Not here at all.
I'm tired.
Paper paper paper
demands and
words walls heart
They would all shake apart in your power, Peru. You aren't for paper people like me. But I would shred and set myself to the wind, and dance my way down to you. If I could.
Not now Not now
Not soon
but soon enough.
or rented
"callmedelilahtheniwouldn'tcare"
"callmedelilahtheniwouldn'tcare"
i am angry
and guilty
and ugly
i don't want to see anyone
or do anything
i feel beaten to near death.
my heart is hardly trying anymore
what can
how can...
i want to heal wholly.
i feel empty
i hate everything
i can't find hope
anywhere.
i am angry
i am guilty
i am sick
and sick of
you
and sick for
you
and sick with
anger
guilt
hatred because i fucking let myself love again.
and guilty
and ugly
i don't want to see anyone
or do anything
i feel beaten to near death.
my heart is hardly trying anymore
what can
how can...
i want to heal wholly.
i feel empty
i hate everything
i can't find hope
anywhere.
i am angry
i am guilty
i am sick
and sick of
you
and sick for
you
and sick with
anger
guilt
hatred because i fucking let myself love again.
you start memorizing delegate names a month and a half before delegate fly-in.
and broken things
like hearts
and banjo strings.
-------------------------
"That book uses a term for one's social clout with another based upon the 'weight' of a person's shadow. it amounts to showing one's intentions reduces the impact he or she desires, and therefore the weight of their shadow is reduced. high social interaction is then termed to a chess game of ones intentions versus how they wish to appear and the significant they wish to hold with that person. this idea just struck a deeper profundity with me tonight. we cast doubt about ourselves to hide the more simplistic nature of our acions and being, but by showing others the reason for casting our shadows we can hopefully allow them to lower their doubt-filled appearances in an effort to see the human shadow for all its worth. this notion is counter to human interaction in which we typically start with simple principals and hope to find a measure of greatness buried within. they're both fun thoughts to entertain and i thought you might enjoy toying with whether you are casting greatness to be boiled down to simplicity, or simplicity to be refined to greatness."
like hearts
and banjo strings.
-------------------------
"That book uses a term for one's social clout with another based upon the 'weight' of a person's shadow. it amounts to showing one's intentions reduces the impact he or she desires, and therefore the weight of their shadow is reduced. high social interaction is then termed to a chess game of ones intentions versus how they wish to appear and the significant they wish to hold with that person. this idea just struck a deeper profundity with me tonight. we cast doubt about ourselves to hide the more simplistic nature of our acions and being, but by showing others the reason for casting our shadows we can hopefully allow them to lower their doubt-filled appearances in an effort to see the human shadow for all its worth. this notion is counter to human interaction in which we typically start with simple principals and hope to find a measure of greatness buried within. they're both fun thoughts to entertain and i thought you might enjoy toying with whether you are casting greatness to be boiled down to simplicity, or simplicity to be refined to greatness."
in my research today I was looking through old emails to find some of the resources Uncle David sent me last year. I came across an email from while I was in Peru where he talked about meeting an Evergreen faculty member, Rob Knapp at a conference he went to. Rob ended up being one of my teachers this year and so I thought I'd reply and tell David about it. Upon reading the rest of the email I remembered that he was going to be in North Bend the day he wrote it and that seemed like it must have been around this time last year. I looked at the date of the email and it was May 8th. Thought it was funny that I came across the email a year later to the day.
May 8th was also my first day in Pisco. Pisco created a context for my research and exploration of adobe as a seismically resistant material. For a year I have been looking for reason to continue believing in its potential in that regard, and I found a glimmer of it today. So... even though I'm not getting much done, I kinda feel like I'm on the right track.
May 8th was also my first day in Pisco. Pisco created a context for my research and exploration of adobe as a seismically resistant material. For a year I have been looking for reason to continue believing in its potential in that regard, and I found a glimmer of it today. So... even though I'm not getting much done, I kinda feel like I'm on the right track.
World Housing Encyclopedia > Housing Reports > Peru > Reinforced Adobe
http://www.dcat.net/resources/Cascadia_Code_Report_Eisenberg_Persram.pdf
my uncle helped write and compile it and my dad contributed content as well, and i can't get my nose outta it today. i am trying to write my design principles, my inkwell article, and my own research report. and while i suppose this is related to all of those things, reading these ideas is blowing my ideas up and carrying me away from doing any solid work. seems to be a pattern lately. big ideas, little resulting product. i'm in this like, perpetual storming process...
anywho... i really just wanted to post this quote:
“Why do we have cars in garages when we have people sleeping on the streets?”
Martin Liefhebber of Breathe Architects
my uncle helped write and compile it and my dad contributed content as well, and i can't get my nose outta it today. i am trying to write my design principles, my inkwell article, and my own research report. and while i suppose this is related to all of those things, reading these ideas is blowing my ideas up and carrying me away from doing any solid work. seems to be a pattern lately. big ideas, little resulting product. i'm in this like, perpetual storming process...
anywho... i really just wanted to post this quote:
“Why do we have cars in garages when we have people sleeping on the streets?”
Martin Liefhebber of Breathe Architects
back to feeling light, and happy! like super happy. like super-cinco* happy.
*super-cinco is a term coined by my mom, who used it to describe the number 15 when trying to count in spanish. but now i'm using it to describe stuff.
*super-cinco is a term coined by my mom, who used it to describe the number 15 when trying to count in spanish. but now i'm using it to describe stuff.
"Days are just drops in the river to be lost always"
im typing at a wall and all i want is to be talking to someone.
im typing at a wall and all i want is to be talking to someone.
i don't where to express what
or how.
so i'm just gonna type it out...
i feel really anxious
and aimless
last night i was memorized by the beauty of everything
performance
poetry
dance
love
and i was immersed in it; lost in it
and today...
i don't feel connected to anything
even though this morning was nice, the rest has been full of small-talk, seemingly unreceived large-talk, and numbing freeway car-travel.
mmm,
i'm sick of trying to make this article happen. what i'm saying doesn't matter
to me
right now, at least.
but i know how much it will suck getting a copy of inkwell next year without myself in it. though, it'd be worse if i hated what of myself was in it. (i shouldn't hate any of myself though, right?)
fuck
i'm just spiraling lower tonight.
its nice to see mom and dad. the kitties. becca comes tonight and nathan tomorrow.
other than that everything feels disgusting.
i just feel far away from meaning, and sorta wasted...
mocha doesn't like the saxophones at the end of this song.
i don't like the next song.
oh, but this one.
"in that dream I'm as old as the mountains!"
i don't know how to share with another. i feel confined in myself right now. maybe as it should be.
i don't know
i don't know
"i don't, i don't know who to believe..."
or how.
so i'm just gonna type it out...
i feel really anxious
and aimless
last night i was memorized by the beauty of everything
performance
poetry
dance
love
and i was immersed in it; lost in it
and today...
i don't feel connected to anything
even though this morning was nice, the rest has been full of small-talk, seemingly unreceived large-talk, and numbing freeway car-travel.
mmm,
i'm sick of trying to make this article happen. what i'm saying doesn't matter
to me
right now, at least.
but i know how much it will suck getting a copy of inkwell next year without myself in it. though, it'd be worse if i hated what of myself was in it. (i shouldn't hate any of myself though, right?)
fuck
i'm just spiraling lower tonight.
its nice to see mom and dad. the kitties. becca comes tonight and nathan tomorrow.
other than that everything feels disgusting.
i just feel far away from meaning, and sorta wasted...
mocha doesn't like the saxophones at the end of this song.
i don't like the next song.
oh, but this one.
"in that dream I'm as old as the mountains!"
i don't know how to share with another. i feel confined in myself right now. maybe as it should be.
i don't know
i don't know
"i don't, i don't know who to believe..."
Lay me down
Lay me down
Lay me down
Lay me down
Lay me down
Lay me down
Lay me down
Lay me down
Lay me down
Lay me down
Lay me down
Lay me down
Lay me down
Lay me down
Lay me down
Don't give in
Don't give in
Don't give in
Don't give in
Don't give in
Don't give in
Don't give in
Don't give in
Don't give in
Don't give in
Don't give in
Don't give in
Don't give in
Don't give in
Come to me
Come to me
Come to me
Come to me
Come to me
Come to me
Come to me
Lay me down
Lay me down
Lay me down
Lay me down
Lay me down
Lay me down
Lay me down
Lay me down
just thought of another escapist escapade.
i guess i need a tent.
and a moving truck
(...a dump truck would do)
moving out by June.
i guess i need a tent.
and a moving truck
(...a dump truck would do)
moving out by June.
and broken things
like hearts
and buildings.
my rejection by whales.
"why don't we have tails?"
-------------------------------------------
"if you're a whale in your next life then i want to be your heart."
-------------------------------------------
foxes and cavemen
sunflower, sunburst
what's the fuckin difference?
anyway
I'm gonna go on a really long walk.
and sing and scream
but not right now
unfortunately.
like hearts
and buildings.
my rejection by whales.
"why don't we have tails?"
-------------------------------------------
"if you're a whale in your next life then i want to be your heart."
-------------------------------------------
foxes and cavemen
sunflower, sunburst
what's the fuckin difference?
anyway
I'm gonna go on a really long walk.
and sing and scream
but not right now
unfortunately.
in order to quicken the draining of the overflowed bathroom, my former roommate drilled a hole in the ceiling underneath.
today was wonderful!
i got to have lunch with my mommy!!! so wonderful.
i got new glasses and contacts! got the tickets! got my tax return!
i finished a good draft of my inkwell article, and had a super fun time in the doing it! (so much support from everyone!)
i got to hang out with carolyn! and talk! and laugh! and be ridiculous! (this is all maybe overkill on the exclamation points, but i am excited about it all so !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
DANCE PARTY. of epicness (to the degree that a dance party can be epic with two people in the kitchen with the lights on... but still)
oh. and 8 consecutive hours of sleep probably contributed to my good mood.
just sent in my article + author's note. meeting with sandy on friday!
now... ott, incense, winding down. trying to get use to wearing glasses again. its been almost a year since i've been able to see without wearing contacts. whoa dude whoa.
okie doke. its about 1. if i go now i will get another solid 8 hours in tonight.
i got to have lunch with my mommy!!! so wonderful.
i got new glasses and contacts! got the tickets! got my tax return!
i finished a good draft of my inkwell article, and had a super fun time in the doing it! (so much support from everyone!)
i got to hang out with carolyn! and talk! and laugh! and be ridiculous! (this is all maybe overkill on the exclamation points, but i am excited about it all so !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
DANCE PARTY. of epicness (to the degree that a dance party can be epic with two people in the kitchen with the lights on... but still)
oh. and 8 consecutive hours of sleep probably contributed to my good mood.
just sent in my article + author's note. meeting with sandy on friday!
now... ott, incense, winding down. trying to get use to wearing glasses again. its been almost a year since i've been able to see without wearing contacts. whoa dude whoa.
okie doke. its about 1. if i go now i will get another solid 8 hours in tonight.
what if the identity that i have had over the past 7 years was one life. 14-21. depression. high school. society. environmentalism. and last year was my shedding of that skin, and this year is the revealing of my next identity. and the next stage requires me to leave some of that other stuff behind?
i was talking with someone in the past year about how our cells are fully regenerated after 7 years, and our body is completely new. and though many of them are expressed similarly in a further/different manifestation. morphogenesis.
i'm just listening to this conversation that trevor is having with a tutee in the writing center. its about a book. it reminds me a lot of what i have been reading in 2012, and talking to Cameron about.
"Hero with A Thousand Faces"
shedding values you hold tightly. breaking down identity. rebuilding the self.
initiation --> visual markers of change
--> all about hardship and pain
i was talking with someone in the past year about how our cells are fully regenerated after 7 years, and our body is completely new. and though many of them are expressed similarly in a further/different manifestation. morphogenesis.
i'm just listening to this conversation that trevor is having with a tutee in the writing center. its about a book. it reminds me a lot of what i have been reading in 2012, and talking to Cameron about.
"Hero with A Thousand Faces"
shedding values you hold tightly. breaking down identity. rebuilding the self.
initiation --> visual markers of change
--> all about hardship and pain
"And after the storm,
I run and run as the rains come
And I look up, I look up,
on my knees and out of luck,
I look up.
Night has always pushed up day
You must know life to see decay
But I won't rot, I won't rot
Not this mind and not this heart,
I won't rot.
And I took you by the hand
And we stood tall,
And remembered our own land,
What we lived for.
And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.
And now I cling to what I knew
I saw exactly what was true
But oh no more.
That's why I hold,
That's why I hold with all I have.
That's why I hold.
I will die alone and be left there.
Well I guess I'll just go home,
Oh God knows where.
Because death is just so full and mine so small.
Well I'm scared of what's behind and what's before."
this is just one, but i feel them all right now.
I run and run as the rains come
And I look up, I look up,
on my knees and out of luck,
I look up.
Night has always pushed up day
You must know life to see decay
But I won't rot, I won't rot
Not this mind and not this heart,
I won't rot.
And I took you by the hand
And we stood tall,
And remembered our own land,
What we lived for.
And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.
And now I cling to what I knew
I saw exactly what was true
But oh no more.
That's why I hold,
That's why I hold with all I have.
That's why I hold.
I will die alone and be left there.
Well I guess I'll just go home,
Oh God knows where.
Because death is just so full and mine so small.
Well I'm scared of what's behind and what's before."
this is just one, but i feel them all right now.
my neighbors are yelling at each other.
jesse got mad at me today.
last night was full of anger between us.
and i just feel so broken by it all.
I am sorry.
I love...
I want love to be stronger.
I want love to be enough...
jesse got mad at me today.
last night was full of anger between us.
and i just feel so broken by it all.
I am sorry.
I love...
I want love to be stronger.
I want love to be enough...
finally making headway on this article! it will be sent in two or three days late, but luckily my co-workers are incredible and are letting me be loose about the dates. I have til Thursday to get a solid draft, and i am actually somewhere along the right road, and approaching that goal. i hope to have a session on it tonight with Andrew after some more writing. then i will keep tweaking it with the time i have. Elissa suggested I meet with Sandy... that would be wonderful if I could catch her soon.
i'm still not convinced it is the BEST idea for me to keep pushing it forward. i thought i'd drop it when i missed two deadlines. and there are so many other projects going on, and then craziness in the personal life. but... i want this. even though i sent in my poem as an alternative possibility for publication (which Cam helped me realize is closer to my personal experience), i do have something else to say with this article, and i am slowly but surely discovering/developing my way to say it.
i am afraid of losing momentum. i am afraid of getting burnt out. but i tried to drop it, and i cant yet.
i'm still not convinced it is the BEST idea for me to keep pushing it forward. i thought i'd drop it when i missed two deadlines. and there are so many other projects going on, and then craziness in the personal life. but... i want this. even though i sent in my poem as an alternative possibility for publication (which Cam helped me realize is closer to my personal experience), i do have something else to say with this article, and i am slowly but surely discovering/developing my way to say it.
i am afraid of losing momentum. i am afraid of getting burnt out. but i tried to drop it, and i cant yet.
To know what you prefer, instead of humbly saying Amen to what the world tells you you ought to prefer, is to have kept your soul alive.
– Robert Louis Stevenson
"....not an escape from reality, but a magnifying glass held up to it"
Jay Michaelson
"It's important that we learn to see the good intentions in each other, always."
Jay Michaelson
"It's important that we learn to see the good intentions in each other, always."
Adam Elenbaas
meh
everything.
i've hardly moved today.
meh
everything.
i've hardly moved today.
really glad I'm not going to spend the next three days in agonizing pain in a hospital bed in Peru (knock on wood).
"All through my childhood, I felt certain that something extraordinary--absolutely amazing and out of the ordinary--was going to happen to me. The world seemed bursting with a secret that nobody would divulge, and someday this tremendous mystery would be revealed. Simply because they were older, I assumed that all adults had passed through this portal into the miraculous essence of existence, although they never spoke about it. As I approached adolescence, I begun to suspect that my deepest hopes were going to be unfulfilled. By the time I went to college, I had realized, to my horror, that "maturity" meant accepting constraints and being bound to a limited career path, rather than blossoming into a deeper dimension of possibility and wonder. This was a painful shock.
I now suspect what I felt is a nearly universal disappointment for young people in our world; I was yearning for initiation into a culture that had abandoned it....
Personally, my youthful sense of being cheated of some deeper potential melted away once I discovered shamanic practices as an adult, and explored visionary states of consciousness in traditional ceremonies... Through this work I restored the primordial connection to the sacred that I had lost after my childhood, as well as my original sense of wonder, and this was tremendously healing and empowering. Through my own shamanic journeys, I realized that modern culture was facing an initiatory crisis on a global scale. We have created a planet of "kidults," perpetual adolescents trapped by material desires, with no access to higher realms and little sense of purpose or moral responsibility...
As Westerners, each of us has to follow a personal path to recover the numinous for ourselves, shedding our self-limiting beliefs and narcissistic complexes in the process."
-Daniel Pinchbeck, "Toward 2010: Perspectives on the Next Age"
"from my point of view the only breakdown was the delusion that I was in control of my life. All the walls -- of identity, ambition, and security, of any illusion that I knew who I was, or where I was, or that I had any clue at all what was happening in life -- all of this collapsed like an obsolete civilization and permitted eternity to course through me as never before. Insofar as apocalypse derives from the Greek apokalyptein, meaning "to unveil," this was some version of my personal apocalypse, and since apocalypse is the etymological antonym of hell, which derives from the Latin helan, meaning "to veil," the only thing to mourn was the liberation from my own illusions." -Tony V, Reality Sandwich website
I now suspect what I felt is a nearly universal disappointment for young people in our world; I was yearning for initiation into a culture that had abandoned it....
Personally, my youthful sense of being cheated of some deeper potential melted away once I discovered shamanic practices as an adult, and explored visionary states of consciousness in traditional ceremonies... Through this work I restored the primordial connection to the sacred that I had lost after my childhood, as well as my original sense of wonder, and this was tremendously healing and empowering. Through my own shamanic journeys, I realized that modern culture was facing an initiatory crisis on a global scale. We have created a planet of "kidults," perpetual adolescents trapped by material desires, with no access to higher realms and little sense of purpose or moral responsibility...
As Westerners, each of us has to follow a personal path to recover the numinous for ourselves, shedding our self-limiting beliefs and narcissistic complexes in the process."
-Daniel Pinchbeck, "Toward 2010: Perspectives on the Next Age"
"from my point of view the only breakdown was the delusion that I was in control of my life. All the walls -- of identity, ambition, and security, of any illusion that I knew who I was, or where I was, or that I had any clue at all what was happening in life -- all of this collapsed like an obsolete civilization and permitted eternity to course through me as never before. Insofar as apocalypse derives from the Greek apokalyptein, meaning "to unveil," this was some version of my personal apocalypse, and since apocalypse is the etymological antonym of hell, which derives from the Latin helan, meaning "to veil," the only thing to mourn was the liberation from my own illusions." -Tony V, Reality Sandwich website
hope. and
"May your days dare delight with your dreams"
Seattle
this weekend.
I could go if I left after Procession/alley business on Saturday. Then I could visit my family on Sunday.
This is all becoming very tempting... besides the fact that I need to buckle down on my article and the other work that has managed to pile up despite my best efforts. I just REALLY miss my family, and would LOVE to see those cave men too.
this weekend.
I could go if I left after Procession/alley business on Saturday. Then I could visit my family on Sunday.
This is all becoming very tempting... besides the fact that I need to buckle down on my article and the other work that has managed to pile up despite my best efforts. I just REALLY miss my family, and would LOVE to see those cave men too.
Heidi posted this cool song on facebook by an artist from Sweden. I went to check out the singers website and found these lyrics which may or may not be the translation from the song, but are really beautiful anyway.
"By the embers it is peaceful
The air is mellow
Resting close to you
Northern lights dance under high heavens
with sundry forms of fires
The full moon keeps watch of weak wanderers
so the coldness of winter won't trick us
beyond the border of eternity
Surround my world
with radiance and warmth
red beauty
Let me be in the center of life
where it's boiling, burning hot
Listening to the sound of life
where does it come from
Following its path, in pursuit
brings me close to your colours and warmth
which shimmer, shine and seduce me"
Anyway, check out the song Irene by Sofia Jannok on youtube or on her website http://www.sofiajannok.com under the "music" tab.
"By the embers it is peaceful
The air is mellow
Resting close to you
Northern lights dance under high heavens
with sundry forms of fires
The full moon keeps watch of weak wanderers
so the coldness of winter won't trick us
beyond the border of eternity
Surround my world
with radiance and warmth
red beauty
Let me be in the center of life
where it's boiling, burning hot
Listening to the sound of life
where does it come from
Following its path, in pursuit
brings me close to your colours and warmth
which shimmer, shine and seduce me"
Anyway, check out the song Irene by Sofia Jannok on youtube or on her website http://www.sofiajannok.com under the "music" tab.
check out the blog for our Alley Revitalization Project at olyalley.blogspot.com <----CLICK
now
my own.
"I feel that I was meant for something more,
My curse, this awful power to unmake..."
My curse, this awful power to unmake..."
the mighty oak tree was once a nut like me"
to defy, challenge, or dare.
"Treat people as if they were what they ought to be and you will help them become what they are capable of becoming."
"Be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars. In the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul."
"Be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars. In the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul."
looking at where i want to go instead of doing what will take me there...
don't i have any way to make fire?
"it was a musical thing and you were suppose to sing or dance while the music was being played."
"man always kills the thing he loves" -Aldo Leopold
"I want to be strong enough,
To not let my fears decide my fate
Surrounded by jingoists;
I don't want any part of this
I want to be strong enough,
To not let my terror turn to hate
Surrounded by jingoists;
I don't want any part of this"
__________________________________
The flame deluge
__________________________________
Tell me, are you free
in word or thought or deed
tell me, are you free
To not let my fears decide my fate
Surrounded by jingoists;
I don't want any part of this
I want to be strong enough,
To not let my terror turn to hate
Surrounded by jingoists;
I don't want any part of this"
__________________________________
The flame deluge
__________________________________
Tell me, are you free
in word or thought or deed
tell me, are you free
"You don't change things by solving problems, you solve problems by changing." -Paul Hawkin
and i just
keep
letting myself
take
the easy way.
i'm so afraid right now
of myself
and everything
keep
letting myself
take
the easy way.
i'm so afraid right now
of myself
and everything
Today was bound to be full.
A year ago tonight I was in Miami with Ben and we were sleeping on an airport floor; the first night of my journey. Today seems to be the marker for so many beginnings and endings since last year, and I have been anticipating making it here for a while. I didn't realize today would be so intense though.
Two people from my graduating class died this week. Nick Harmon and Jacob Lund. There was another person from the valley too. What else is there to say about it? Nick had been a good friend of mine, though many years back it was. Jacob and I didn't get along at all. I drummed in band with both of them. One of them died by accident. The other by choice.
So strange, the difference.
I ran into Shane after the Writing Center meeting and we ended up having lunch and a powerful conversation together. It feels as though we are old friends, and yet we have spent such sparse, short time together in the past. I was surprised how easily and openly I could talk with him. But the interaction fueled me to do some much-needed writing and thinking. So much writing happened. "So much" being relative to the little snippets of thought I periodically record and it call writing. No. I actually felt like I was writing today. (But I just looked at it, and its like a page, front and back. Sheesh... what's happened to me? ...Granted, I was interupted by having to go to a meeting, but fuckin' still... I wish I wrote more. I wish I had the time and inspiration to just sit and write more often).
Oh, after Shane left, I was pleased to also see Ben walking by. I thought he'd left for Turkey already. I called him over and he sat down to talk for a few. Was glad to see him today.
My run was good. It had been the first time I've made the effort to go on a decent run since I left last April. I needed it though. I was bursting. I've been craving that release for so long, but put it off because of my ankles, among other excuses. Halfway on my way to DA PEOPLE's house my right ankle started throbbing and I told it "too bad" and kept going. I needed to run. Was just hitting my stride when I got to the house but decided not to keep going. Wanted to spend time with Ari (who's visiting) since I decided not to go to the movie with them. It got bad reviews and seemed far too violent for my current state.
Eric drove me home though, and I sat and tried to work on my Inkwell article. Ended up writing something completely different than my intended article. It's for Inkwell, and I may do it in stead of or in addition to my Dialogue article.
Yea, lot of built up energy today. Lot of expression.
op, time to go
A year ago tonight I was in Miami with Ben and we were sleeping on an airport floor; the first night of my journey. Today seems to be the marker for so many beginnings and endings since last year, and I have been anticipating making it here for a while. I didn't realize today would be so intense though.
Two people from my graduating class died this week. Nick Harmon and Jacob Lund. There was another person from the valley too. What else is there to say about it? Nick had been a good friend of mine, though many years back it was. Jacob and I didn't get along at all. I drummed in band with both of them. One of them died by accident. The other by choice.
So strange, the difference.
I ran into Shane after the Writing Center meeting and we ended up having lunch and a powerful conversation together. It feels as though we are old friends, and yet we have spent such sparse, short time together in the past. I was surprised how easily and openly I could talk with him. But the interaction fueled me to do some much-needed writing and thinking. So much writing happened. "So much" being relative to the little snippets of thought I periodically record and it call writing. No. I actually felt like I was writing today. (But I just looked at it, and its like a page, front and back. Sheesh... what's happened to me? ...Granted, I was interupted by having to go to a meeting, but fuckin' still... I wish I wrote more. I wish I had the time and inspiration to just sit and write more often).
Oh, after Shane left, I was pleased to also see Ben walking by. I thought he'd left for Turkey already. I called him over and he sat down to talk for a few. Was glad to see him today.
My run was good. It had been the first time I've made the effort to go on a decent run since I left last April. I needed it though. I was bursting. I've been craving that release for so long, but put it off because of my ankles, among other excuses. Halfway on my way to DA PEOPLE's house my right ankle started throbbing and I told it "too bad" and kept going. I needed to run. Was just hitting my stride when I got to the house but decided not to keep going. Wanted to spend time with Ari (who's visiting) since I decided not to go to the movie with them. It got bad reviews and seemed far too violent for my current state.
Eric drove me home though, and I sat and tried to work on my Inkwell article. Ended up writing something completely different than my intended article. It's for Inkwell, and I may do it in stead of or in addition to my Dialogue article.
Yea, lot of built up energy today. Lot of expression.
op, time to go
Nygil mentioned a Death Cab show. I looked it up to see if they were coming up here. Apparently not but I found out that they are coming out with a new album. May 31st. It's been years. I wonder if I'll still like my "favorite band of all time."
Also, I'm supposed to check out the book Left Hand of Darkness by Ursula K Leguin, and a Slipknot album... but I can't remember the title.
skype: nygilyo
Also, I'm supposed to check out the book Left Hand of Darkness by Ursula K Leguin, and a Slipknot album... but I can't remember the title.
skype: nygilyo
someone posted this on facebook. super funny if you know the song.
talked to Aubrie today and i feel better about the project. we are going to make some adjustments to our process when we get back from break.
i read a lot of Water for Elephants today because I just can't put it down. but I passed out at some point. i just woke up again and am feeling like i've been beat up like some of the characters from the book. its been a while since i've been so damn sore all over. but i like it... means i climbed hard enough.
also had an eye appointment this morning. man, if i don't hate anything more than medical exams (or really anyplace where people can nitpick at all the things that are wrong with my lifestyle.) whatever, ordered new glasses and more contacts.
tomorrow will be even better :)
i read a lot of Water for Elephants today because I just can't put it down. but I passed out at some point. i just woke up again and am feeling like i've been beat up like some of the characters from the book. its been a while since i've been so damn sore all over. but i like it... means i climbed hard enough.
also had an eye appointment this morning. man, if i don't hate anything more than medical exams (or really anyplace where people can nitpick at all the things that are wrong with my lifestyle.) whatever, ordered new glasses and more contacts.
tomorrow will be even better :)
this alley project has become so convoluted and frustrating. and i feel like every time i try to contribute to the group effort i only end up inflating the challenge. i made a legitimate effort to help today and it backfired completely. i'm trying not to have a bad attitude, but i'm not good at drawing, or public speaking, or corresponding with clients and stakeholders, and i've missed more meetings than anyone, so i just don't know what i am actually bringing to the table.
"I was raised up believin
I was somehow unique
Like a snowflake distinct among snowflakes
Unique in each way you can see
And now after some thinking
I'd say I'd rather be
A functioning cog in some great machinery
Serving something beyond me
But I don't, I don't know what that will be
I'll get back to you someday soon you will see
What's my name, what's my station
Oh just tell me what I should do
I don't need to be kind to the armies of night
That would do such injustice to you
Or bow down and be grateful
And say "Sure take all that you see"
To the men who move only in dimly-lit halls
And determine my future for me
And I don't, I don't know who to believe
I'll get back to you someday soon you will see
If I know only one thing
It's that every thing that I see
Of the world outside is so inconceivable
Often I barely can speak
Yeah I'm tongue tied and dizzy
And I can't keep it to myself
What good is it to sing helplessness blues?
Why should I wait for anyone else?
And I know, I know you will keep me on the shelf
I'll come back to you someday soon myself
If I had an orchard
I'd work till I'm raw
If I had an orchard
I'd work till I'm sore
And you would wait tables
And soon run the store
Gold hair in the sunlight
My light in the dawn
If I had an orchard
I'd work till I'm sore
Someday I'll be
Like the man on the screen"
I was somehow unique
Like a snowflake distinct among snowflakes
Unique in each way you can see
And now after some thinking
I'd say I'd rather be
A functioning cog in some great machinery
Serving something beyond me
But I don't, I don't know what that will be
I'll get back to you someday soon you will see
What's my name, what's my station
Oh just tell me what I should do
I don't need to be kind to the armies of night
That would do such injustice to you
Or bow down and be grateful
And say "Sure take all that you see"
To the men who move only in dimly-lit halls
And determine my future for me
And I don't, I don't know who to believe
I'll get back to you someday soon you will see
If I know only one thing
It's that every thing that I see
Of the world outside is so inconceivable
Often I barely can speak
Yeah I'm tongue tied and dizzy
And I can't keep it to myself
What good is it to sing helplessness blues?
Why should I wait for anyone else?
And I know, I know you will keep me on the shelf
I'll come back to you someday soon myself
If I had an orchard
I'd work till I'm raw
If I had an orchard
I'd work till I'm sore
And you would wait tables
And soon run the store
Gold hair in the sunlight
My light in the dawn
If I had an orchard
I'd work till I'm sore
Someday I'll be
Like the man on the screen"
shifts
i'm done with this blog. maybe blogging at all. dunno. not feelin it lately
My solo self-eval workshop yesterday was boss. 7 people was a good size for me and they were all first-time eval-writers so I pretty much couldn't go wrong.
-----------------------------------------------------
I wish I had the guts to try out for Romeo and Juliet. If it was Hamlet, you know I'd be all over that audition.
-----------------------------------------------
"Stars, hide your fires; these here are my desires and I won't give up them up to you this time around. And so, I'll be found with a stake stuck in the ground, marking the territory of this newly impassioned soul." (Mumford&Sons, duh).
-----------------------------------------------------
Carolyn thinks I should document what I ate today:
a bagel
a fruit leather
a piece of pizza
a bowl of cereal
half a granola bar
a couple bites of sorbet
a couple bites of lentil soup
-------------------------------------------------------
apparently my crash pad came in the mail at home!
------------------------------------------------------
I may actually be part-time photographer and part-time climbing assistant this summer, according to Josh. STOKE
-------------------------------------------------------
WHY CAN'T I FOCUS?!
-----------------------------------------------------
Carolyn is going to bring me to foooooooood.
----------------------------------------------
Where's my wallet?!?
Found a clifbar while looking though.
-------------------------------------------
found my wallet.
I clearly need to do some substantial writing or else I wouldn't have gotten on my blog so often throughout the day and ended up with nothing legitimate to show for it.
I guess this is what happens when I have actual writing to do.
Inkwell
Eval
Worklog
Architect's Blog
Tutoring reflection
(at least I compiled my portfolio for the most part)
-----------------------------------------------------
I wish I had the guts to try out for Romeo and Juliet. If it was Hamlet, you know I'd be all over that audition.
-----------------------------------------------
"Stars, hide your fires; these here are my desires and I won't give up them up to you this time around. And so, I'll be found with a stake stuck in the ground, marking the territory of this newly impassioned soul." (Mumford&Sons, duh).
-----------------------------------------------------
Carolyn thinks I should document what I ate today:
a bagel
a fruit leather
a piece of pizza
a bowl of cereal
half a granola bar
a couple bites of sorbet
a couple bites of lentil soup
-------------------------------------------------------
apparently my crash pad came in the mail at home!
------------------------------------------------------
I may actually be part-time photographer and part-time climbing assistant this summer, according to Josh. STOKE
-------------------------------------------------------
WHY CAN'T I FOCUS?!
-----------------------------------------------------
Carolyn is going to bring me to foooooooood.
----------------------------------------------
Where's my wallet?!?
Found a clifbar while looking though.
-------------------------------------------
found my wallet.
I clearly need to do some substantial writing or else I wouldn't have gotten on my blog so often throughout the day and ended up with nothing legitimate to show for it.
I guess this is what happens when I have actual writing to do.
Inkwell
Eval
Worklog
Architect's Blog
Tutoring reflection
(at least I compiled my portfolio for the most part)
Tonight I am going to have to make a decision about NYSC. I called Madelyn for advice about it. She reminded me that last year I had expressed to her my frustration of always feeling distanced from the delegates because I my lens was always between us; because I was often supposed to act invisible in order to get candid shots. She encouraged me to be confident in my ability to be climbing assistant. While I am tempted to stay with what I know I can excel in, she may have convinced me to take the chance. How could I go wrong being involved with climbing all summer anyway?
It's Tony's birthday today. He's been in more contact with me lately. I enjoy knowing that he still values a friendship between us.
Apparently there is something going on at home right now. Mom's going to call me soon. I will feel better when I know nothing bad happened...
It's Tony's birthday today. He's been in more contact with me lately. I enjoy knowing that he still values a friendship between us.
Apparently there is something going on at home right now. Mom's going to call me soon. I will feel better when I know nothing bad happened...
Dear Alex,
You are crazy if you think you can spontaneously sign up for a design-build course costing a couple thousand dollars and spanning the entirety of spring break, to construct a tree house in MEXICO.
Love,
Reality
Am I though? It sounds so perfect...
http://rawdesignbuild.com/workshops/oaxaca_2011/
You are crazy if you think you can spontaneously sign up for a design-build course costing a couple thousand dollars and spanning the entirety of spring break, to construct a tree house in MEXICO.
Love,
Reality
Am I though? It sounds so perfect...
http://rawdesignbuild.com/workshops/oaxaca_2011/
tonight and tomorrow night is all the time I have left to finished the SketchUp assignment of designing and "building" a climate-sensitive house.
eww
I don't want to think about that anymore, and I reaaaaaaaally hate drawing in SketchUp... under a deadline, at least.
Josh called me twice yesterday about camp positions. He gave away that they were considering me for climbing assistant!! and photographer. I called him this morning to see what further info he needed and he asked if I had lead-climbing experience. I said no, none. And not much top-roping either. So I pretty much thought that was a bust. But I got an email this afternoon saying that I was being offered either position! Shouldn't be a hard choice, right? I'd love to eat, sleep, and breathe climbing for a month and a half but I'd have to be in West Virginia June 16th, two weeks earlier than otherwise, AND wouldn't get to go to fly-in. Oh, and can you say "belay-bitch"? Even still... CLIMBING ASSISTANT!!??!? No computer obligations. No sitting in the office on sunny days. And even if I don't climb every day I will still get to work with people who are climbing. And I will be out of camp a lot, and I could still take some pictures, and I wouldn't have to do the Dow Tour. Of I could do what I know how to do, what I feel comfortable with, what I did well enough last time that they want me to do again; take pictures 24-7, be called a creeper by all the delegates cause I have to document them doing EVERYTHING.
Oh pros and cons....
I know where my heart is on this, I am just afraid of it. My decision needs to be made a week from yesterday.
ok, enough fantasizing. back to making a model of something that will never actually exist.
eww
I don't want to think about that anymore, and I reaaaaaaaally hate drawing in SketchUp... under a deadline, at least.
Josh called me twice yesterday about camp positions. He gave away that they were considering me for climbing assistant!! and photographer. I called him this morning to see what further info he needed and he asked if I had lead-climbing experience. I said no, none. And not much top-roping either. So I pretty much thought that was a bust. But I got an email this afternoon saying that I was being offered either position! Shouldn't be a hard choice, right? I'd love to eat, sleep, and breathe climbing for a month and a half but I'd have to be in West Virginia June 16th, two weeks earlier than otherwise, AND wouldn't get to go to fly-in. Oh, and can you say "belay-bitch"? Even still... CLIMBING ASSISTANT!!??!? No computer obligations. No sitting in the office on sunny days. And even if I don't climb every day I will still get to work with people who are climbing. And I will be out of camp a lot, and I could still take some pictures, and I wouldn't have to do the Dow Tour. Of I could do what I know how to do, what I feel comfortable with, what I did well enough last time that they want me to do again; take pictures 24-7, be called a creeper by all the delegates cause I have to document them doing EVERYTHING.
Oh pros and cons....
I know where my heart is on this, I am just afraid of it. My decision needs to be made a week from yesterday.
ok, enough fantasizing. back to making a model of something that will never actually exist.
"love will not betray, dismay, or enslave you; it will set you free, to be more like the man you were made to be. there is a design, an alignment, a cry of my heart to see the beauty of love as it was made to be."
